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DocHeart
08-18-2011, 04:45 PM
I pestered my mother for a twenty drachma.

“What do you want it for?” she asked without taking her eyes away from slaughtering onions on the chopping board.

“I just want twenty drachma. You can take it out of next week’s allowance.”

I couldn’t see Lukia, but I could feel that she was sitting on the steps outside waiting for me to return and tell her I’ve got the money. At Niko’s caff they had a Bubble Bobble machine, and we often had cravings for it. We were a great team playing Bubble Bobble, Lukia and I. We had got to level 78 last time, hogged the machine for an hour and a half while some of the other kids were rooting for us and old Nikos was threatening us to quit soon or he would pull the damn plug out. This time, we were sure, we could go all the way to level 100. Only Petros, the baker’s son had got to level 100, but he was one of the older guys, 17 or something. And he had been playing alone. Easier when you play alone.

“Let’s go,” I said as I ran past her. She caught up with me and grabbed me and bit my upper arm, laughing.

“Let’s go beat Bubble Bobble, baby!” she shrieked, red curls bouncing, freckles morphing into microscopic strawberries on her cheekbones, almond lips kissing my face.

She was fourteen. I was thirteen. And it was the last Sunday we’d ever spend together.



***


We were doing well. Our hands worked the direction levers and the big red buttons like they were keys on a baby grand, the plink-plonk of the machine’s melody repeating over and over again as bubbles engulfed monsters before we burst them strategically – sometimes one by one, sometimes timing our jumps on the trapped sprites so that they would all explode together, granting us colourful fireworks that announced bonus points.

“Go up to the green platform. Go. Wait there.”

“Why? Oh ok. Trap three of them and jump, the green one is too fast.”

“The big cake appears up there, go. GO, GO, GO!”

“You gotta burst them quick.”

“They’ll go red first.”

“They go red for just a split second. Burst and climb.”

“Next one is the one with the real narrow corridors.”

“I hate that one.”

“Me, too.”

“You stand back, I go forward, when they start chasing me I blow one bubble, then hide behind you as you blow three. Easy-peasy. Get the cake. Oh. Oh! Oh super!”

“Yea, baby! I’m getting all four!”

“You got all four!”

“Oh my god, get the diamonds, GET THE DIAMONDS!”

Cheers and applause from the other kids erupted, annoying the card-playing adults. “Hey Niko, get those poxy kids out of here. And get that damn machine out of here while you’re at it, will you?”

“Get on with it, kids. Enough’s enough!”

Lukia and I played on, glancing at each other at the end of every level, wiping sweat off, laughing, planning the destruction of the next wave of monsters. When level 100 was complete, the screen flashed and furnished us with congratulations in English we could barely understand.

“How many people do you think have done what we’ve done in the whole wide world,” I asked her as I was walking her home.

“I don’t know,” she said. “A hundred. No. A thousand.”

“Well, that puts us in the top one thousand players in the world.” I spread my arms wide and spun on the tarmac. “We are international, baby!”

She jumped on me and we both fell down, peck-kissing arms and faces and necks and hair, in the shadow of old blocks of flats, on the warm pavement.



***


We left Thessaloniki a week or so later. My father had to work at Athens airport now, that’s where they needed hands. I couldn’t quite understand why it had to be his hands, though. All he did was mop the floors. What difference did it make which floors he mopped?

On our first weekend in the capital, he took me to the football match. I had been begging him for ages to take me see Aris while we were still up north, but he never did. Now we were in this foreign city, and he took me to see Panathinaikos unprompted.

“What did you think of them, then?” he asked as we were walking back.

“Not a bad team,” I replied. “That number 6 is quite good.”

“Rocha.”

“Yea, Rocha. He’s quite good.”

“He’s Chilean. What’s the capital of Chile?”

“San Diego. How did Aris do today?”

“1-0 over Kavala.” I liked the way he only had to put his little radio to his ear for a few seconds every half-hour or so in order to know all the results.

First the smell hit me. Spicy meat burning. My early teenage brain said to my stomach it needed it. “Can we get one of those sausage things?”

“Sure. Wanna call Lukia and say hi from the payphone while I wait in the queue?”

“Really?”

“Yea, go. Here,” he got out a handful of coins from his jeans pocket and thrust it in my hand – “that should be enough for you to tell her about the game.”

“She’ll be glad Aris won.”

“I know. Go.”

I ran towards the booth through the now thinning football crowd, grateful for the unexpected opportunity to talk to her, eager to hear her voice. Her mother sounded happy to hear me. Lukia had gone to the movies with Petros, the baker’s son.

My father stood there, hot dog in hand. Just the one. He probably couldn’t afford one for himself.

“I don’t want it,” I said.

“Fine,” he said. “I’ll eat it.”

I walked the rest of the way a few steps ahead of him. I knew the way back. Athens streets weren’t that difficult to navigate. If he thought I was still a kid, he had another thing coming.

In the flat, my mother was ironing his shirts.

Jack of Hearts
08-18-2011, 04:55 PM
Woo hoo a Doc Love original! Will read tonight, where a pick-apart can be done on a PC! (This reader utilize un mobile dee-vahs during the day, not great for reading or analysis...)






J

AuntShecky
08-18-2011, 05:04 PM
I'm impressed with the energy and authenticity of the dialogue in this piece.

The part in the last scene, where your protagonist refuses to eat the treat his father bought, is highly realistic, resonant.

The story as a whole reminds me of two of my favorite
works. (I mean that as a compliment, not as an accusation that the story is "derivative," which it is not.) But the theme and subject matter makes me think it's a little like "Araby" by the great James Joyce. (The setting of your story, of course, is in a quite different part of the Continent, and the outcome is certainly not much happier.)

The other work this reminds me of is sad as well-- the film
Black Orpheus. But the more pleasant elements of that film -- the joyous carnival-- has echoes in the pinball(I take it?) playing.

DocHeart
08-18-2011, 05:05 PM
Will read tonight, where a pick-apart can be done on a PC!


In that case, I'll lie down on the sofa. It's about women, football, sausages and video games. :)

@AuntShecky, thanks so much for your comment. I'm chuffed to bits you enjoyed it. :)

Jack of Hearts
08-19-2011, 04:32 AM
I pestered my mother for a twenty drachma.

“What do you want it for?” she asked without taking her eyes away from slaughtering onions on the chopping board.

“I just want twenty drachma. You can take it out of next week’s allowance.”

I couldn’t see Lukia, but I could feel that she was sitting on the steps outside waiting for me to return and tell her I’ve got the money. At Niko’s caff they had a Bubble Bobble machine, and we often had cravings for it. We were a great team playing Bubble Bobble, Lukia and I. We had got to level 78 last time, hogged the machine for an hour and a half while some of the other kids were rooting for us and old Nikos was threatening us to quit soon or he would pull the damn plug out. This time, we were sure, we could go all the way to level 100. Only Petros, the baker’s son had got to level 100, but he was one of the older guys, 17 or something. And he had been playing alone. Easier when you play alone.

“Let’s go,” I said as I ran past her. She caught up with me and grabbed me and bit my upper arm, laughing.

“Let’s go beat Bubble Bobble, baby!” she shrieked, red curls bouncing, freckles morphing into microscopic strawberries on her cheekbones, almond lips kissing my face.

She was fourteen. I was thirteen. And it was the last Sunday we’d ever spend together.

This seems to be the set up. Things the reader knows from reading it: this story is a story about pre-adolescent childhood, or perhaps early adolescence. There's a sort of love interest at play (not firmly established at this point). There's a common interest, but these youthful preoccupations are usually more than what they seem.

What's exceptional is how you've managed to communicate this gracefully and without beating it into the reader's skull.

The last line is rather cryptic, but also a bit familiar as a device.




We were doing well. Our hands worked the direction levers and the big red buttons like they were keys on a baby grand, the plink-plonk of the machine’s melody repeating over and over again as bubbles engulfed monsters before we burst them strategically – sometimes one by one, sometimes timing our jumps on the trapped sprites so that they would all explode together, granting us colourful fireworks that announced bonus points.

“Go up to the green platform. Go. Wait there.”

“Why? Oh ok. Trap three of them and jump, the green one is too fast.”

“The big cake appears up there, go. GO, GO, GO!”

“You gotta burst them quick.”

“They’ll go red first.”

“They go red for just a split second. Burst and climb.”

“Next one is the one with the real narrow corridors.”

“I hate that one.”

“Me, too.”

“You stand back, I go forward, when they start chasing me I blow one bubble, then hide behind you as you blow three. Easy-peasy. Get the cake. Oh. Oh! Oh super!”

“Yea, baby! I’m getting all four!”

“You got all four!”

“Oh my god, get the diamonds, GET THE DIAMONDS!”

Cheers and applause from the other kids erupted, annoying the card-playing adults. “Hey Niko, get those poxy kids out of here. And get that damn machine out of here while you’re at it, will you?”

“Get on with it, kids. Enough’s enough!”

Lukia and I played on, glancing at each other at the end of every level, wiping sweat off, laughing, planning the destruction of the next wave of monsters. When level 100 was complete, the screen flashed and furnished us with congratulations in English we could barely understand.

“How many people do you think have done what we’ve done in the whole wide world,” I asked her as I was walking her home.

“I don’t know,” she said. “A hundred. No. A thousand.”

“Well, that puts us in the top one thousand players in the world.” I spread my arms wide and spun on the tarmac. “We are international, baby!”

She jumped on me and we both fell down, peck-kissing arms and faces and necks and hair, in the shadow of old blocks of flats, on the warm pavement.

As an aside... this seems semi-autobiographical, at least at parts, and this reader would ask you if English is a second language?

This is the cementing experience the that the narrator and Lukia share. It's the catalyst that puts the emotions over the top and now we're dealing with the real treat of your story, the part you always wanted to give us but had to carefully make palatable. The human part. This is a story about 'growing up' in certain ways. Our Dear Aunt Shecky has compared it to Araby. This reader has studied that short story and much of Dubliners extensively. There are certain superficial comparisons to be made , but you're far enough along your own path to keep the story invigorated, so never fear, Good Doctor.




We left Thessaloniki a week or so later. My father had to work at Athens airport now, that’s where they needed hands. I couldn’t quite understand why it had to be his hands, though. All he did was mop the floors. What difference did it make which floors he mopped?

On our first weekend in the capital, he took me to the football match. I had been begging him for ages to take me see Aris while we were still up north, but he never did. Now we were in this foreign city, and he took me to see Panathinaikos unprompted.

“What did you think of them, then?” he asked as we were walking back.

“Not a bad team,” I replied. “That number 6 is quite good.”

“Rocha.”

“Yea, Rocha. He’s quite good.”

“He’s Chilean. What’s the capital of Chile?”

“San Diego. How did Aris do today?”

“1-0 over Kavala.” I liked the way he only had to put his little radio to his ear for a few seconds every half-hour or so in order to know all the results.

First the smell hit me. Spicy meat burning. My early teenage brain said to my stomach it needed it. “Can we get one of those sausage things?”

“Sure. Wanna call Lukia and say hi from the payphone while I wait in the queue?”

“Really?”

“Yea, go. Here,” he got out a handful of coins from his jeans pocket and thrust it in my hand – “that should be enough for you to tell her about the game.”

“She’ll be glad Aris won.”

“I know. Go.”

I ran towards the booth through the now thinning football crowd, grateful for the unexpected opportunity to talk to her, eager to hear her voice. Her mother sounded happy to hear me. Lukia had gone to the movies with Petros, the baker’s son.

My father stood there, hot dog in hand. Just the one. He probably couldn’t afford one for himself.

“I don’t want it,” I said.

“Fine,” he said. “I’ll eat it.”

I walked the rest of the way a few steps ahead of him. I knew the way back. Athens streets weren’t that difficult to navigate. If he thought I was still a kid, he had another thing coming.

In the flat, my mother was ironing his shirts.

This is where the Joycean 'epiphany' would be. What's offered instead is a subtle assertion of manhood. The biggest clue is in the line:


If he thought I was still a kid, he had another thing coming.

... as well as the subtle implications of the narrator being a 'few steps ahead' of his father and prepared to navigate the streets of Athens by himself.

Are there a couple spots for improvement? Sure. And this reader knows you see them too, and that in the scheme of what you've presented here, they're hardly worth talking about at this point. A handful of stories come through this forum that truly shine and this piece is in that sphere.

Ever since your reply to this thread (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=61880), this reader knew you were marked, Doc. Touched artistically. Mentally off-center enough to 'get things' in the larger picture and make things true to your perspective.

Thanks for sharing. Cheers Doc.










J

DocHeart
08-19-2011, 06:52 AM
Dear Jack,

Thanks so much for taking the time to go into this in such detail -- it's an honour. As a writer yourself, you will agree that there's no greater feeling than knowing that someone is reading you so carefully.

To answer your question - you are correct, English is not my mother tongue. But for some reason I often feel more comfortable writing in English than in Greek.

I must also admit publicly, hanging my head in shame, that I have only read bits and pieces of Joyce, and even that was a long time ago. Since both you and AuntShecky were reminded of him by this little Thursday night, beer-drenched, smoke-stained effort, I must seize the opportunity and take a trip to the bookshop. After all, it's nearly the weekend.

A final note: this story was written last night and it marked the end of a writer's block that lasted almost two months, during which I started many stories but never got past the first paragraph. The attention and kind comments it has drawn from you and AuntShecky, therefore, are of particular value to me.

Thanks again, friend.

Regards,
DH

Steven Hunley
08-19-2011, 10:51 AM
I liked the authenticity of this too. Not only of the setting, but the enthusiasm of youth. The playing, the fun and the attitude expressed at the end. It's so well crafted and so well thought out. There's one other word that I might use to describe such a story that combines play and youthful concerns and pursuits, and the exotic setting too.

Charming.

Damn you Doc, you've charmed us again!

Hawkman
08-19-2011, 11:30 AM
Hi Doc. Firstly, well done, an engaging narrative peppered with slices of real life. It's a good read. The only real criticism I have is that you gave the game away right at the beginning, "It was the last Sunday we'd ever spend together." Really this leaves the story with nowhere to go, we know what's going to happen so the reader just wants to know why. He finds out why when you say, "We left Thessaloniki a week or so later." It sort of pulls the rug from under the revelation that Lukia is going out with the baker's son at the end. The narrator's reaction is understated where perhaps you could have made more of the realisation that he would never see the girl again. As it is the way the story just stops is rather anticlimactic.

This is just a plot point, but the writing is good. Live and be well - H

hillwalker
08-20-2011, 07:26 AM
An entertaining read - very much a carefully drawn slice of life; lightly seasoned with the hormonal anguish of adolescence but without the drama of failed romance.

I particularly enjoyed the tiny details - mother in the kitchen 'slaughtering' the onions - freckles on Lukia's face morphing into strawberries.

Your descriptive passages and dialogue are what makes the story come to life, but I echo Hawk's suggestion that the plot arc is a little underdeveloped. Apart from giving the ending away so early in the story there seems too abrupt a jump from Thessalonika to Athens (with the narrator suddenly as much a minor character as his parents).

But a great piece of writing - you obviously have a way with words and maybe those other pieces you began then discarded can be resurrected now you have rediscovered your talent...

H

DocHeart
08-20-2011, 12:43 PM
@Hawkman, @hillwalker,

Thank you, both, for your kind words. I must agree with you that the plot feels as though there's a hole in the middle. I wanted to keep the story short, but the abruptness of the transition from Salonica to Athens can, I think, be made smoother with a couple of sentences or three.

I also take your point that revealing the end of the relationship so early into the story somewhat deflates it. Perhaps a glimpse into their dreams or their future plans would have been more appropriate there.


@Steven,

My dear friend, thank you for your praise. I try not to be too charming these days. When I was young I used to let it pour out, but it's cost me $100,000 in alimony and a damaged ligament (don't ask).

Happy Saturday night,
DH