Alone

[aliengirl]

Hi everyone,
I've been reading poems of other members on this forum for a long time, nearly a year. But I've never posted any. This is my first attempt. Just one more point to note- English is not my mother tongue. So I don't feel quite easy while writing poems in English. I'll be thankful if you read this amateur work and share your opinions.

ALONE

Why is my heart so sad tonight?
Longing for what I know not
Listen! The very stillness hums
a soft tune just for you,
as the silver baby moon
looks down and smiles at you,
the sparkling stars reflect
the precious pearls of your tears,
Then why be so lorn, my dear heart?
Why yearn for the unknown?
When the very breath of Nature
Rhythms with your own.


Edit: I've not paid any attention to rhyme while writing but after posting I saw that some line are falling into rhyme. Is it okay?

[Hawkman]

This isn't bad but there are a couple things to mention. Firstly, I think in a poem like this it might not be a bad idea not to capitalise the beginning of each line. It is an accepted tecnique but it is a bit old fashioned these days and it doesn't really aid the reader more accustomed to the contemporary practice of just capitalising the first word of a sentance and proper names.

"longing for what I know not" is kind of mangled in its syntax. It definitely reads archaically. try to rephrase it.

Hear would be better as listen in context. hear would be acceptable as a question but not as a command or statement.

The last thing I'd do is drop the O, in "O dear heart", it's a bit too self conscious. but apart from these minor quibbles it is an expressive poem. Well done.

Live and be well - H

[Jack of Hearts]

You're doing just fine with your English. For the most part the poem moved nicely but there are a couple spots where some archaic is unduly utilised.

Keep writing with us.






J

[Delta40]

Despite what has already been mentioned, your poem successfully portrayed 'alone' and I was captured by it.

Well done.

[MystyrMystyry]

A melancholic mood, and interesting reference to the moon which always elicits a sense of aloneness when the moment strikes (interesting how it seems to smile when I'm happy ???)

This is a very good effort Aliengirl - you really should post more often :)

[Maryd.]

Hey, I loved it. YOu go girl. xo

[Maximilianus]

A poem with lots of potential :)


(...)
Why yearn for the unknown?
When the very breath of Nature
Rhythms with your own.


Edit: I've not paid any attention to rhyme while writing but after posting I saw that some line are falling into rhyme. Is it okay?
I think the meter and rhyme among these final verses fit perfectly as a closure. I feel it renders a deep message. I hope you will post more poems in the near future, AG :wave:

[Silas Thorne]

Quite good, but I'd agree with Hawkman and Jack of Hearts about the archaic use of language, particularly with the phrase 'I know not' and the use of the work 'lorn'. Personally, I'd keep away from speaking to your 'heart', and with an O too, as Hawkman says.
There's really something that sparkles for me though in these few lines:

'Why yearn for the unknown?
When the very breath of Nature
Rhythms with your own.'

Good stuff. Keep on writing. :)

[Buh4Bee]

Very moving, I was very moved. And yes, it is OK.

I went to bed thinking about this poem and it was so very soothing- a nice way to inspire sweet dreams.

[qimissung]

Regardless of what the guys say, I like the so-called archaic language. Instead of archaic, I think of it as more formal and there are times when what your writing just seems to work better in that kind of language.

To say "I don't know what I long for" simply sounds to prosaic.

Anyway, it's melancholic yet charming piece; I particularly love the phrase "silver baby moon."

Do keep writing, aliengirl!

[hillwalker]

Although this has been written in the style of rather old-fashioned poetry it's a commendable effort.

Using archaic expressions rarely works successfully, especially for those writing in a second language. You do a fine job of showing us what's in your heart but trying to copy the classic poets makes it read less genuine than if you had used more contemporary language and expressions.

h

[aliengirl]

Thank you dear friends for reading the poem and sharing your valuable ideas.

@ hawkman- I agree that the language is a bit archaic. Perhaps it was the effect of archaic poetic phrases floating in my mind.
"longing for what I know not" is tangled but so was my mind at the moment. I think it captures that particular feeling. As for 'O' in 'O dear heart' I was not sure. Now I'll remove it as you've suggested.

@ Delta & MM- Glad that you like my little poem. Thank you both for your encouraging ramarks.

@ Mary- Hey dear, thanks a lot. XO

@ Max- Thanks dear, for your encouraging remark. Its good that you like the rhyming end. I'll think myself successful if it carries a message for you.

@ jersea & quimis - Thank you very much. I'm happy to know that you liked it as it is.

@ Jack, Silas Thorne & hillwalker - Thank you very much. I know the archaic use of language may not go down well with every one. You'll sure see some of my works in contemporary language soon.

Thanks everyone once again! :)

[firefangled]

I also thought the last three lines were quite good. Poetically you have a keen sense of rhythm and line. If English is your second language, as I sensed from some of the comments, you are doing very well.

[aliengirl]

Thanks a lot firefangled! Its nice of you to mention that point about rhythm. I often have problem about it. So its a relief to know that I'm moving in the right direction.

[Maximilianus]

@ Max- Thanks dear, for your encouraging remark. Its good that you like the rhyming end.
Very welcome! http://i1005.photobucket.com/albums/af178/maxicastro/Smileys/huggin-smiley-emoticons-4.gif


I'll think myself successful if it carries a message for you.
It surely does, and I feel it has bearing on one of my favorite songs, called Alone You Breathe. Of course its lyrics are totally different, but there's a strong connection in theme. You can listen to it if you want: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4_WVFWaLsQ :)

[Bar22do]

I've discovered your poem only now and am enchanted. It may be a bit archaic, but it shows your talent for poetry and expresses the mood so well. I really hope to read more of your writing! and thank you for having shared this one. I love it, especially

Why yearn for the unknown?
When the very breath of Nature
Rhythms with your own.

[Maximilianus]

I'm also hoping to read more poems from my friend AG! :)

[aliengirl]

I've discovered your poem only now and am enchanted. It may be a bit archaic, but it shows your talent for poetry and expresses the mood so well. I really hope to read more of your writing! and thank you for having shared this one. I love it, especially

Why yearn for the unknown?
When the very breath of Nature
Rhythms with your own.

Thank you Bar. :) I've seen your charming comment right now. The last lines were written in haste but it seems that they are the best part of the poem.


I'm working on a few other ideas. My dear friend Max and you all will surely see more of my works soon.

[aliengirl]

It surely does, and I feel it has bearing on one of my favorite songs, called Alone You Breathe. Of course its lyrics are totally different, but there's a strong connection in theme. You can listen to it if you want: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4_WVFWaLsQ :)

You are very kind to say so Max. Thanks for the link above. I'll certainly listen it.

Oh, I just saw the explanation you've added to your signature. So funny! But the original statement is quite true. :)

[mutedresponse]

This is beautifully sad!

[Maximilianus]

Oh, I just saw the explanation you've added to your signature. So funny! But the original statement is quite true. :)
I thank you for your friendly words, though I doubt it. Sometimes a man feels compelled to try out other options when his original essence has seen little or no retribution, and to resist the temptation becomes an ordeal. One can spend a lifetime doing things expecting nothing in return, but there comes a point when patience runs out.

[aliengirl]

This is beautifully sad!

Thanks for your beautiful words.