Biggus
08-18-2011, 04:19 AM
A HUMOUR SELECTION # 2
SELF DISCIPLINED
I don’t need stimulation
Of any kind
Because I have simply
Trained my mind
To flick a switch
If I need to perform
A simple “click”
And I have the horn
I can get an erection
With a single thought
I consider myself
To be self taut
BAGS OF SACKS
What sacks should I use?
In the garden?
Should I use plastic?
Or maybe Hessian?
I’m not sure I care
To be quite factual
I suppose it’s because
I am bi-sacksual
I AM DEFINITELY READY TO SAY IT
I am definitely ready to say it
I hope she is ready to hear it
How will she take it, who knows?
I take a deep breath and here goes
I stutter and I stammer thru
She said “I know and I love you too”
LABOUR SAVING THINGAMAJIGS
At my age I can safely say
I do not need more gizmo’s
Labour saving thingamajigs
And gadgetry so-and-sos
The garage door opener
And the TV remote
With those two things
I can just about cope
And I sometimes find
Though they are useful
I get them mixed up
To be quite truthful
THE LOST WEEKEND
Oh what calamity did befall?
What an embarrassment for us all
We over imbibed on Saturday night
And awoke on Sunday none to bright
On the porch the paper lay unread
We couldn’t face it and went back to bed
So next morning which was Monday
We found the paper and thought it was Sunday
So we had a relaxing fun day
Not realising it was really Monday
On Tuesday when I returned to work
I really felt a proper berk
My boss had a true blue fit
And saw no humour at all in it
And verbally assailed me with his rancour
Then he called me a total fool
NONSENSICAL # 6
The spa wrangled planner
No the Tsar bangled tanner
The bra strangled Hannah
Or the scar dangled manor
The car mangled spanner
Or the bar tangled scanner
No it’s the Star Spangled Banner
DON’T GO IN THE WATER
I don’t like swimming in the sea
I don’t care what you say it’s not for me
Its not that I’m scared of sharks or eels
Or that I don’t like how a jelly fish feels
It’s not even because of stone fish stings
Or the flotsam and jetsam the tide brings
You may think my phobia quite absurd
But I can’t be swimming along with a turd
A BASIC FACT
A fact remains a fact
Its logic remains intact
Its basic premice is unflawed
Even if the fact is ignored
MY PASTIME
My pastime is, that I like to Fish
I’d do it all the time if I got my wish
But my wife hates me doing it
And she wants me to stop doing it
I say to her it’s just my hobby
She says its just plain nobby
I say potato she says potaeto
I say tomato she says tomaeto
I say it’s just an innocent passtime
She says next time should be the last time
I say it is about the quiet peace
She says it has to cease
I say it’s appreciating the stillness
She say it’s a mental illness
She says I need to get a life
I thing I just need a different wife
BEFORE AND AFTER AT THE SALON
Before
Well you look a little sallow
Right down to the marrow
What you need is a drop of sun
In a bottle I have the very one
Just go into the salon
And you can put some colour on
After
Well my dear fellow
You’ve gone a little yellow
I think a touch too much
In fact much too much
Of the prescribed fake tan
How will you pay Mr Marzipan?
THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD
Edward Bulwer-Lytton wrote
“The pen is mightier than the sword”
This is indeed, a fine sentiment.
That we should heartily applaud
But when faced with machine gun fire
I fear the proposition is flawed
THE FOURTH EMERGENCY SERVICE
I was driving to work this morning
It was just as the day was dawning
And I noticed a parked up AA van
And next to it was a crying man
But properly weeping and wailing
Down on his knees with arms flailing
I just shook my head with a frown
I knew he was headed for a breakdown
NONSENSICAL # 7
You can take a horse to water
But you can’t teach it to suck eggs
Do unto others before their death
Every dog has a silver lining
Every cloud has his day
Glass houses make jack a dull boy
A bird in the hand is a penny earned
A new broom sweeps many a slip
All roads lead to the stable door
Caesar's wife begins at home
Don't throw the baby out with grandma
I KNOW WITH CERTAINTY
I know with certainty
That nine times out of ten
When in my house
Something is broken
Or just malfunctioning
I know before I see it
The probability is
One of my kids did it
And the 10 percent of times
They are off the hook
Then I know who to blame
By my wife’s guilty look
ROTY 2011
It is such a travesty
Of a decision I fear
Carol Vorderman
Winning Rear of the Year
But I wonder if Pippa
Gives a damn
That the voters
Prefer mutton to lamb
SELF DISCIPLINED
I don’t need stimulation
Of any kind
Because I have simply
Trained my mind
To flick a switch
If I need to perform
A simple “click”
And I have the horn
I can get an erection
With a single thought
I consider myself
To be self taut
BAGS OF SACKS
What sacks should I use?
In the garden?
Should I use plastic?
Or maybe Hessian?
I’m not sure I care
To be quite factual
I suppose it’s because
I am bi-sacksual
I AM DEFINITELY READY TO SAY IT
I am definitely ready to say it
I hope she is ready to hear it
How will she take it, who knows?
I take a deep breath and here goes
I stutter and I stammer thru
She said “I know and I love you too”
LABOUR SAVING THINGAMAJIGS
At my age I can safely say
I do not need more gizmo’s
Labour saving thingamajigs
And gadgetry so-and-sos
The garage door opener
And the TV remote
With those two things
I can just about cope
And I sometimes find
Though they are useful
I get them mixed up
To be quite truthful
THE LOST WEEKEND
Oh what calamity did befall?
What an embarrassment for us all
We over imbibed on Saturday night
And awoke on Sunday none to bright
On the porch the paper lay unread
We couldn’t face it and went back to bed
So next morning which was Monday
We found the paper and thought it was Sunday
So we had a relaxing fun day
Not realising it was really Monday
On Tuesday when I returned to work
I really felt a proper berk
My boss had a true blue fit
And saw no humour at all in it
And verbally assailed me with his rancour
Then he called me a total fool
NONSENSICAL # 6
The spa wrangled planner
No the Tsar bangled tanner
The bra strangled Hannah
Or the scar dangled manor
The car mangled spanner
Or the bar tangled scanner
No it’s the Star Spangled Banner
DON’T GO IN THE WATER
I don’t like swimming in the sea
I don’t care what you say it’s not for me
Its not that I’m scared of sharks or eels
Or that I don’t like how a jelly fish feels
It’s not even because of stone fish stings
Or the flotsam and jetsam the tide brings
You may think my phobia quite absurd
But I can’t be swimming along with a turd
A BASIC FACT
A fact remains a fact
Its logic remains intact
Its basic premice is unflawed
Even if the fact is ignored
MY PASTIME
My pastime is, that I like to Fish
I’d do it all the time if I got my wish
But my wife hates me doing it
And she wants me to stop doing it
I say to her it’s just my hobby
She says its just plain nobby
I say potato she says potaeto
I say tomato she says tomaeto
I say it’s just an innocent passtime
She says next time should be the last time
I say it is about the quiet peace
She says it has to cease
I say it’s appreciating the stillness
She say it’s a mental illness
She says I need to get a life
I thing I just need a different wife
BEFORE AND AFTER AT THE SALON
Before
Well you look a little sallow
Right down to the marrow
What you need is a drop of sun
In a bottle I have the very one
Just go into the salon
And you can put some colour on
After
Well my dear fellow
You’ve gone a little yellow
I think a touch too much
In fact much too much
Of the prescribed fake tan
How will you pay Mr Marzipan?
THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD
Edward Bulwer-Lytton wrote
“The pen is mightier than the sword”
This is indeed, a fine sentiment.
That we should heartily applaud
But when faced with machine gun fire
I fear the proposition is flawed
THE FOURTH EMERGENCY SERVICE
I was driving to work this morning
It was just as the day was dawning
And I noticed a parked up AA van
And next to it was a crying man
But properly weeping and wailing
Down on his knees with arms flailing
I just shook my head with a frown
I knew he was headed for a breakdown
NONSENSICAL # 7
You can take a horse to water
But you can’t teach it to suck eggs
Do unto others before their death
Every dog has a silver lining
Every cloud has his day
Glass houses make jack a dull boy
A bird in the hand is a penny earned
A new broom sweeps many a slip
All roads lead to the stable door
Caesar's wife begins at home
Don't throw the baby out with grandma
I KNOW WITH CERTAINTY
I know with certainty
That nine times out of ten
When in my house
Something is broken
Or just malfunctioning
I know before I see it
The probability is
One of my kids did it
And the 10 percent of times
They are off the hook
Then I know who to blame
By my wife’s guilty look
ROTY 2011
It is such a travesty
Of a decision I fear
Carol Vorderman
Winning Rear of the Year
But I wonder if Pippa
Gives a damn
That the voters
Prefer mutton to lamb