An attempt

[Buh4Bee]

It must be almost 2 years since I have really posted anything, so here is an attempt, but nothing more. Please do tell me about the grammar and spelling. :)

False Prayer

The cupped palms
ascend and release
a black-winged butterfly
as a false prayer.

Silence

Silence sings
when the mallet-less
bell rings.

[YesNo]

The one titled "Silence" was nice: the alliteration in the first line and the rhyme between the first and third line keep the reader focused.

I liked "Deception", but I did not understand what was "false" about the prayer. Perhaps that had something to do with the "black" wings.

Nice poetry.

[Hawkman]

Hi Jersea, nice to see you posting again. I too was slightly confused by the message in Deception. The image of cupped palms would seem to indicate begging or an act of entreaty. For some reason I wanted to think of the palms as forming a bowl rather than a cage. I think the reason for this is that the comma is in the wrong place. You don't need one after release but you do after butterfly.

I also like Silence, but the striker, tongue of a bell, is call a clapper, so maybe clapperless would have been better, but the reader knows what you mean. :)

Live and be well - H

[Jack of Hearts]

This reader quite enjoyed Deception... took the imagery of a 'black butterfly' to signify or reinforce the idea of a false prayer. Really thought that this poem was well done.






J

[Bar22do]

I love both.
Deception - You don't need the comma after "palms" and after "release", I'd also lose "as", so it'd look like this:

Deception

The cupped palms
ascend and release
a black-winged butterfly -
a false prayer.

No nic-picks regarding Silence.

Nice two little pieces. Good to know you're around. Best.

[Twota]

I really like both as well, Silence more tho, Bcuz I don't quite get Deception. :D

[Buh4Bee]

Thank you all for the responses. People have made me realize that Deception is the wrong word for the title. It should simply be called False Prayer. I took out the commas, but left 'as'. Again, thanks for all the feedback, it certainly encourages one to attempt to write more.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Much as I like the skill in both of these, I'm stuck on "false" re the prayer. I do not see the basis on which the prayer is judged to be false, though I assume you meant to signal the falsity by reference to the black-winged butterfly. Is there something in some mythology about black-winged butterflies?

[Buh4Bee]

Thanks for acknowledging some kind of skill. There is no reference to mythology, just a simple idea that seems to be thought more than it really is.

[breathtest]

I don't really have anything to add except that I love these two little poems. They are perfect the way they are. I think the black wings of the butterfly makes it evident that something about it is false, but this does not necessarily have to be revealed within the poem. It can be your own personal thing as the writer, or it can be up to the reader to apply the poem to his/her life. That's the way I see it anyway.

Good job jersea. Please keep writing, your words have such elegance.

[Buh4Bee]

Oh, is that is? People want to me explain the meaning of the false prayer? It is just the idea that we can ask for something and God may not honor it. Answer it with silence, if you will. I think it is a pretty common theme, particularly among the religious or Xistians. I get dark in my religion, as I now am asking why go to church EVERY Sunday, when I could sit in bed with my family. It is like battle fatigue. I have always had a difficult relationship with God. There is no particular deep meaning attached. It was a concrete experience. I literally released a black winged butterfly out the window when the idea struck me. Maybe that clarifies the idea.

Thanks for reading Breathtest. good to see you around, hope you are well.

[Delta40]

I think your clarification adds to the false prayer. I read it as those who would posture devoutness for their own selfish gain.

nice to see you posting again Jersea.

[Buh4Bee]

Good, Delta, that was my intention.

It is a privileged to have you and everyone read this. It is a nice thing indeed to interact with everyone in such a positive way.

[hillwalker]

False Prayer - I thought the image of cupped palms ascending heavenwards to release a butterfly (normally a creature of elegance and fragile beauty but here tinted in darkness) was an original metaphor for the way some people raise their hands in prayer (often for genuine relief) on this occasion for more selfish reasons.

Silence - extremely cryptic, reminding me of the sound of one hand clapping.

H