mature

[peter7805]

Nature

The tomb in the desert field

To the loneliness that I shall walk

When I die

I only permit my child

To come here and stay for a while

And I shall listen to their talk

[hillwalker]

This short verse raises more questions that it answers.

Line 2 doesn't really follow that opening sentence grammatically - I'm wondering whether we are missing the word 'from' to go with the 'to'.

And the concept of a dead person being able to 'permit' their child to do something is also rather strange - as is the title since again it doesn't seem to fit the poem's topic unless I'm missing the point.

H

[Buh4Bee]

Hill gives good advice. I guess you meant 'N' instead of 'M' in the title. I read the poem as a reflective piece as to how a parent wants to be experienced at their tomb after their death. That second line is confusing. I liked the idea of the poem, it just isn't very smooth.

[peter7805]

This short verse raises more questions that it answers.

Line 2 doesn't really follow that opening sentence grammatically - I'm wondering whether we are missing the word 'from' to go with the 'to'.

And the concept of a dead person being able to 'permit' their child to do something is also rather strange - as is the title since again it doesn't seem to fit the poem's topic unless I'm missing the point.

H

thank you very much for the comments,first please forgive the mistake, it should be nature in the title.second thank you again!

[hillwalker]

thank you very much for the comments,first please forgive the mistake,

There's nothing to be forgiven for - it's all part of the writing process.

H :-)