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Jack of Hearts
08-17-2011, 02:16 AM
ZOE


I've moved everything out of my room. I'm sitting in lotus position surrounded by several empty glasses. Sometimes I run my fingers along their edges, freeing an oscillating pitch.

I imagine, even though there's no ocean anywhere near here, the flat muted sound of ship's horn. It grows in intensity across great increments of time. It's almost like a soundtrack. Daylight is coming in through the blinds. It spills upon the carpet like a stain. When it hits some of the glasses they rainbow.

Then we were all sitting in silence. My father has stopped me in the kitchen. I could feel my feet going stiff against the tile.

"Goddammit Zoe!"and he's begining to work himself into a yell. When he yells I can see the fillings in his molars. When he yells he closes the distance between our faces and putrid saliva sprays me- he does this on purpose. I didn't understand. Only when he snatches the glass from my hand and throws it against the kitchen floor (it's tile, always tile, tile that he laid by hand)... only when I see that glass explode, after that moment when it looks like water splashing upwards, do I understand that he's sick of having to fuc-king tell me that dishes do not belong in bedrooms. It takes me a moment to put this together. It took me a moment to put that together.

The next part comes easy. First a sharp increase in pitch, a ringing, in my right ear and then quickly the heat comes into my cheek. There was the feeling that a sneeze got caught in my nose. The stinging comes last but it builds up most intensely. Beyond the kitchen, in the dining room, I could see my mother staring down at the empty table. She disappears as I go tumbling to the tile- his tile.

My mother catches me in the hallway one night. It's very dark.

"Zoe, honey, what are you doing?" she says while glancing over her shoulder at the doorway to the master bedroom.

I don't answer her. I watch the outline of her eyes as they try to make sense of what I'm carrying in my hand.

"Zoe!" she says in harsh whisper,"What are you doing! What if your father sees you?"

And she reaches out to snatch the glass from my hand, to hide it. After she does this, she's silent a moment. "It's empty..." and her hand feels into it,"... completely dry."

We stand still for a long time, staring at each other as best we can. Then my mother extends the glass outward to me, clutches my hand against it, and turns around. In half a breath, she's beyond the shadows and a door click.

Hawkman
08-17-2011, 06:46 AM
This is a very short piece and seems to cover a lot of ground. It appears slightly fragmented, like the broken glass, But the father's rage and violence seems irrational. Is this intentional? The bit about "Dishes don't belong in bedrooms" as the narrator's aparent understanding for his rage seem's to be a bit of a red-herring to divert attention away from the payoff at the end, which would seem to indicate all the parental concern was about secret drinking. It just doesn't quite ring true for me. Having said that I don't think it's a bad piece of writing. The style is effective in constructing an atmosphere of a detached personality within a disfunctional(?) family.

Interesting read Jack.

Live and be well - H

DocHeart
08-17-2011, 04:27 PM
Dear Jack,

Thanks for sharing, first of all.

I'd like to focus on this extract:




The next part comes easy. First a sharp increase in pitch, a ringing, in my right ear and then quickly the heat comes into my cheek. There was the feeling that a sneeze got caught in my nose. The stinging comes last but it builds up most intensely. Beyond the kitchen, in the dining room, I could see my mother staring down at the empty table. She disappears as I go tumbling to the tile- his tile.




I truly enjoyed the vividness of this. You slow down the time very effectively, and the constellation of physical and mental pain that is carried by the slap is conveyed element by element -- the sound, the stinging, the falling. The sight of the mother, present but distant and unable to tame the fury, too. I find writing like this quite exceptional and try to learn from it.

And the remainder? I'm intrigued. Is the child really carrying an empty glass? If yes, why is she doing it? Does she repeatedly provoke the father into violence to get attention? Or is the glass really quite full of some forbidden beverage, but the mother chooses to become an accomplice in the child's secret drinking? Or is it perhaps that I drink too much myself and am getting the whole thing wrong?

In any case, this is a short, powerful piece. If it was in a glass, it would be a shot glass, and the content would probably be unchilled tequila.

Best regards,
DH

Jack of Hearts
08-18-2011, 02:21 AM
Two kind gents-

Too kind, gents.







J

Steven Hunley
08-18-2011, 10:44 AM
I agree with Doc about that part too. Well done.

You don't say what was in the glass or why it's empty. That's so evocative. It allows the reader to do the wondering, and in turn, the required thinking.

Such a short piece like this needs "evocative", unlike my stuff, where I usually spell everything out and beat the reader over the head in the process.

Buh4Bee
08-18-2011, 10:55 AM
I often read stuff and then just move on to the next one, but this one is hard to ignore. It a beautiful sketch of "child abuse". And I believe that child does it to not provoke, but to liberate herself. She is a noble child and rebellious in her defiance. Bring it on she says, and so he does, but she endures.

Jack of Hearts
08-18-2011, 01:03 PM
Steven-Review this thread. (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1064791#post1064791)

jersea- thanks so much. It is good to see you offering on the Poetry forum, by the way.







J

Buh4Bee
08-18-2011, 03:36 PM
That's very nice to hear, truly.

Jack of Hearts
08-25-2011, 03:04 AM
Thanks again for reading!






J