Biggus
08-12-2011, 05:05 AM
SOME OF THEM
Some make you cringe
Some drive you mad
Some make you freeze
Some scare you bad
Some are enormous
Some are minute
Some are horrendous
Some are quite cute
Some of them jump
Some cause a rash
Some make a buzz
Some make you dash
Some make you itch
Some make you sick
Some kill you slow
Some kill you quick
Some of them bite
Some of them crawl
Some are big
Some are small
But what they share
Is that insects appal
I have to be honest
I hate them all
THE NEWS OF THE WORLD
The News of the World
Oh the irony is sweet
The news of the screws
That tawdry scandal sheet
Hoisted on its own petard
Because of its crime
They have become their papers
Biggest scandal of all time
REAR OF THE YEAR 2011
In the Rear of the Year
Lovely Pippa Middleton
Was pipped at the post
By Carol Vorderman
Clearly those concerned
Prefer rear end of mutton
J. WELLINGTON WIMPY
J. Wellington Wimpy,
One of Popeye’s crowd,
Had an appetite for burgers
Of which he was proud
He’d eat them thru the show
Munching on them loud
And that was way back
When amongst the TV crowd
Product placement
Wasn’t even allowed
NONSENSICAL # 5
The hand on the knee
No the bland of the tea
Or the stand of the tree
The gland of the pea
Or the band of the free
No the sand of the flea
The brand of the ski
No it’s the Land of the Free
BATHING DRESS
When the bikini replaced the bathing suit
They were brief, but also rather chic
But the briefness was, nonetheless,
Still sufficient to cover both cheeks
STAYING ATTRACTIVE
It seems to me that a man in his middle years
Is rendered more attractive, almost immediately,
To the opposite sex, if found to be wealthy
And/or he is a well known TV celebrity
PRETTY LITTLE MARY
Pretty little Mary
Lives on the prairie
And works in the dairy
Her routine doesn’t vary
Pretty little Mary
Skips like a fairy
Sings like a canary
But is cautiously wary
Pretty little Mary
Is on the contrary
Really rather hairy
And a little bit scary
PEARL’S A SINGER
Pearl's a singer,
She stands up,
When she plays the piano
In a night club
Pearl has a sister,
She really pongs
And that’s why she’s lonely
Her job was entertaining folks,
Singing songs and telling jokes
In a nightclub
Shirl’s her sister, and they say,
That she once was a winner, now she’s hopeless
Shirls's a minger, and they say,
That she once had a shower
They said it was about a year a go
When she succumbed to the B.O.
It was rancid
Shirl’s a minger
She stands out
Coz she won’t lose the BO
In a bath tub
MY WIFE IS MAD YET
My wife is mad
Last night she snored so loud
That she woke herself up
Then she hit me
For snoring so bloody loud
That I woke her up
But to add insult onto injury
Which left me upset
I was the one who hadn’t
Even been to sleep yet
THE WIDOW’S MITE
The Vicar’s sermon
Frank and forthright
Raised the question
Of the widows mite
Quite unnecessary
In my humble view
Because in our parish
There are only two
And I know for a fact
That they both do
MY DEAR OLD MOTHER
My dear old mother
Recently passed away
But it came to my attention
Only the other day
That she was in fact killed
By a “Mrs A”
VEGETUS # 3
My son has announced
His intent to take the pledge
To give up eating meat
He has given to allege
But I don’t know what he’ll eat
As he doesn’t eat veg
SENIOR COURTING
I have met a woman online
A fellow silver surfer
We had a date last night
And I really fancied her
But it’s been too many years
And I couldn’t satisfy her
I think I’m suffering
From penile dementia
SENIOR NETWORKING
A young lady I met in the street
Asked of me “Sir, do you tweet”?
I answered, “No, of course not
But I have to say I do trump a lot.”
Some make you cringe
Some drive you mad
Some make you freeze
Some scare you bad
Some are enormous
Some are minute
Some are horrendous
Some are quite cute
Some of them jump
Some cause a rash
Some make a buzz
Some make you dash
Some make you itch
Some make you sick
Some kill you slow
Some kill you quick
Some of them bite
Some of them crawl
Some are big
Some are small
But what they share
Is that insects appal
I have to be honest
I hate them all
THE NEWS OF THE WORLD
The News of the World
Oh the irony is sweet
The news of the screws
That tawdry scandal sheet
Hoisted on its own petard
Because of its crime
They have become their papers
Biggest scandal of all time
REAR OF THE YEAR 2011
In the Rear of the Year
Lovely Pippa Middleton
Was pipped at the post
By Carol Vorderman
Clearly those concerned
Prefer rear end of mutton
J. WELLINGTON WIMPY
J. Wellington Wimpy,
One of Popeye’s crowd,
Had an appetite for burgers
Of which he was proud
He’d eat them thru the show
Munching on them loud
And that was way back
When amongst the TV crowd
Product placement
Wasn’t even allowed
NONSENSICAL # 5
The hand on the knee
No the bland of the tea
Or the stand of the tree
The gland of the pea
Or the band of the free
No the sand of the flea
The brand of the ski
No it’s the Land of the Free
BATHING DRESS
When the bikini replaced the bathing suit
They were brief, but also rather chic
But the briefness was, nonetheless,
Still sufficient to cover both cheeks
STAYING ATTRACTIVE
It seems to me that a man in his middle years
Is rendered more attractive, almost immediately,
To the opposite sex, if found to be wealthy
And/or he is a well known TV celebrity
PRETTY LITTLE MARY
Pretty little Mary
Lives on the prairie
And works in the dairy
Her routine doesn’t vary
Pretty little Mary
Skips like a fairy
Sings like a canary
But is cautiously wary
Pretty little Mary
Is on the contrary
Really rather hairy
And a little bit scary
PEARL’S A SINGER
Pearl's a singer,
She stands up,
When she plays the piano
In a night club
Pearl has a sister,
She really pongs
And that’s why she’s lonely
Her job was entertaining folks,
Singing songs and telling jokes
In a nightclub
Shirl’s her sister, and they say,
That she once was a winner, now she’s hopeless
Shirls's a minger, and they say,
That she once had a shower
They said it was about a year a go
When she succumbed to the B.O.
It was rancid
Shirl’s a minger
She stands out
Coz she won’t lose the BO
In a bath tub
MY WIFE IS MAD YET
My wife is mad
Last night she snored so loud
That she woke herself up
Then she hit me
For snoring so bloody loud
That I woke her up
But to add insult onto injury
Which left me upset
I was the one who hadn’t
Even been to sleep yet
THE WIDOW’S MITE
The Vicar’s sermon
Frank and forthright
Raised the question
Of the widows mite
Quite unnecessary
In my humble view
Because in our parish
There are only two
And I know for a fact
That they both do
MY DEAR OLD MOTHER
My dear old mother
Recently passed away
But it came to my attention
Only the other day
That she was in fact killed
By a “Mrs A”
VEGETUS # 3
My son has announced
His intent to take the pledge
To give up eating meat
He has given to allege
But I don’t know what he’ll eat
As he doesn’t eat veg
SENIOR COURTING
I have met a woman online
A fellow silver surfer
We had a date last night
And I really fancied her
But it’s been too many years
And I couldn’t satisfy her
I think I’m suffering
From penile dementia
SENIOR NETWORKING
A young lady I met in the street
Asked of me “Sir, do you tweet”?
I answered, “No, of course not
But I have to say I do trump a lot.”