The Horizon

[Twota]

I am wandering lost in the desert
with a faithless soul in a scrawny vessel.
They say that everything in life is a test,
so I keep on searching for an answer,
the sun stands before me in the sky
shining like a giant chandelier,
it throws fiery arrows roasting my skin
and burning the golden carpets under my feet,
I look ahead and watch the sky and the land stretch
so far away and they touch at a fine thread,
I decide to continue walking till I reach it,
for may be there lie all answers, or better yet,
may be..it's the finish line to my miserable race.

[ShadowsCool]

Twoto,

I do like the ending. It leaves me pondering. Does man walk in the desert all the time? Fleeing from something in his past. Where is man going? Things to think about. Thanks for sharing. I like it.

Shadows

[everyadventure]

You had some conflicting imagery here. The narrator is wandering in the "desert," but you mention a "vessel," which brings to mind a boat or ship. "Chandelier" and "carpet" sound luxurious, which doesn't work well with the narrator's suffering. But I always like to see what you'll post next :)

[Delta40]

I think you're coming along beautifully and I enjoyed reading the stream of imagery.

[Hawkman]

If I read this correctly I interpret the scrawny vessel to be the body containing the faithless soul. If this is the case it would be better to say, "with my faithless soul in a scrawny vessel..." I'm not sure about describing the sun as a chandelier as this implies multiple light sources rather than the single glowing orb of the sun, at least to me.

Where you say,

"I look ahead and watch the two planes stretch
too far away and touch at a fine thread..."

Here I initially thought you were talking about aeroplanes which were too far away to touch. I'm uncertain of the significance of two planes as one would seem to make more sense in context, and perhaps "so far away" would be better than too far...

There is another problem in the sense of these lines in that having established yourself as the subject with a personal pronoun, the "and touch" could be the narrator's touch, or the planes'.

I too, rather liked the closing lines. It's an interesting poem. Thanks for sharing.

Live and be well - H

[Twota]

Twoto,

I do like the ending. It leaves me pondering. Does man walk in the desert all the time? Fleeing from something in his past. Where is man going? Things to think about. Thanks for sharing. I like it.

Shadows
thanks shadows, glad you like it. :D


You had some conflicting imagery here. The narrator is wandering in the "desert," but you mention a "vessel," which brings to mind a boat or ship. "Chandelier" and "carpet" sound luxurious, which doesn't work well with the narrator's suffering. But I always like to see what you'll post next :)
With ''vessel'' I meant body yah :D, and people with a luxurious life also do suffer tho I agree it kinda may not work that well for the reader, and I always love to see your comments Mistress Adventure. :D


I think you're coming along beautifully and I enjoyed reading the stream of imagery.
thanks Delta, Miaow. :3

[Twota]

If I read this correctly I interpret the scrawny vessel to be the body containing the faithless soul. If this is the case it would be better to say, "with my faithless soul in a scrawny vessel..." I'm not sure about describing the sun as a chandelier as this implies multiple light sources rather than the single glowing orb of the sun, at least to me.

Where you say,

"I look ahead and watch the two planes stretch
too far away and touch at a fine thread..."

Here I initially thought you were talking about aeroplanes which were too far away to touch. I'm uncertain of the significance of two planes as one would seem to make more sense in context, and perhaps "so far away" would be better than too far...

There is another problem in the sense of these lines in that having established yourself as the subject with a personal pronoun, the "and touch" could be the narrator's touch, or the planes'.

I too, rather liked the closing lines. It's an interesting poem. Thanks for sharing.

Live and be well - H

Yes Hawk, you're right about all, I edited it now, hope it works, thanks for reading. :D

[Bar22do]

I am wandering lost in the desert
with a faithless soul in a scrawny vessel,
they say that everything in life is a test
so I keep on searching for an answer,
the sun stands before me in the sky
shining like a natural chandelier,
it throws fiery arrows roasting my skin
and burning the golden carpets under my feet,
I look ahead and watch the sky and the land stretch
so far away and they touch at a fine thread,
I decide to continue walking till I reach it,
for may be there lies all answers, or better yet,
may be..it's the finish line to my miserable race.

Love your imagery through, as well as your ending (although so pessimistic).
L3, I'd start a new sentence "They say that everything in life..." and finish it with a comma. Am not sure about 'chandelier' or at least would lose 'natural' from your line. In the penultimate L, I think it should be 'maybe' in one word (likewise in last L), then either 'there lies an answer' or 'there lie all answers'.
I enjoyed the experience of your poem, thank you for that.

[Twota]

Thanks Bar :D
I fixed it now, glad you like it. :D