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ShadowsCool
08-11-2011, 08:37 PM
Bare all I have done
In lonely corridors the only one.
Alive, bleeding, but no one knows;
Always stays inside of me, but the feeling grows.

With anxiety I approach every thought,
Hence I'm viscerally nervous when you see me
Alone on the street,
Striving my feet to the gravity of the wind
Where I'm always led to a dark room,
Held against my will to pray.

There I kneel to an unfeeling God;
Where every thought I cry and feel
The bleeding of my soul,
Hopeless, doomed to remain celibate
To never rest of my fears.

Inside is an even viler room,
Where the blackness brims my blood,
As a transfusion of evil shards
Ships into my veins;
I cry out begging for mercy
But I'm tied down and led around
To just another dark shrouded place.

Hellishly blue and cold
No one knows of this room,
Covered by the blown dirt and rusted sky
Where I live unloved by all.

Deep inside lonely corridors I walk again,
An unknown feeling barring down upon me,
An empty bubble sent out to the stratosphere
Where it never rest,
Always blows in retrospect of invisible tears.

Twota
08-11-2011, 08:44 PM
I like it, specially the second and third stanzas. :D

ShadowsCool
08-11-2011, 08:58 PM
Probably the darkest poem I ever wrote.

Thanks

everyadventure
08-11-2011, 09:05 PM
"Doomed to remain celibate?" Sorry, that line made me giggle a bit. But I really liked the reference to the "rusted sky."

ShadowsCool
08-11-2011, 09:12 PM
When I started this poem I was pretty young. I believe I wrote this in 1983, but have never been happy with it. I've made changes here and there. But the general feel is doom & gloom lol. Thanks

Delta40
08-11-2011, 09:59 PM
Very dark Shadows and obviously a great effort back in 1983!

everyadventure
08-11-2011, 11:13 PM
1983?! Geez, I am ALWAYS wrong about how old people are. It drives me nuts!

Jack of Hearts
08-11-2011, 11:26 PM
That year totally doesn't match up with the image in this reader's head...

... And more than half a decade later there was:






J

kittypaws
08-11-2011, 11:54 PM
ShadowsCool I know where you are coming from but some times less is more.

Go back and see what is repetitive in feelings and words and edit that out and restructure what is left. Your poem has much potential....please, keep at it.

kittypaws

Bar22do
08-12-2011, 08:01 AM
Agree with kittypaws. It's a nice poem that needs tightening and ridding of repetitions.
I'd rather not deal with people's age, too much of a surprise for the most! :nod:
Thanks for sharing this and looking forwards to your newer offerings!

ShadowsCool
08-12-2011, 10:42 PM
Thanks all for the great input. I will work down the road on making it less repetitous and tighter. It's just that I've lived with this poem so long, it becomes a part of you.

Know what I mean? Great points by all of you.

Shadows