my true self

[TheodoreK.16]

haven't posted in a while too busy running and reading! So, here's another one!





My True Self

I am glued to my chair,
like a tree to the Earth.
Keys are clicking away,
drowning out the afternoon drones.
Words of wisdom tattooed to paper,
as if it were skin.
Your critical judgements plague my heart,
and force me to hide my true self.

[Hawkman]

Hi Theo

Some thoughts: I think your opening metaphor could use a little work to make it stronger. Trees are rooted in the earth, they reach down into it, so perhaps it would have been better to say: "I am rooted to my chair..." The next line begins with keys which initially made me think you were talking about keys that open locks - until line 5. Line 4 is worded in such a way that the reader thinks the clicking keys drown out the sound of male bees in the afternoon.

Line 5 "words of wisdom" (is a bit of a cliche) but, "tattooed on paper." would be better. Better still would be to describe the paper more directly with a metaphor rather than the unnecessary simile, "as if it were skin." The last two lines are ok but could be pruned. If I may I'll show you how I'd edit the poem...

"I am rooted in my chair
like a tree to the earth,
the clattering of my keyboard
drowning out the drone of afternoon.
Words, thoughts,
tattooed on whitened sheets,
await your judgements
which force me to hide my true self."

Just a thought. There is some nice introspective thought behind this piece. Thanks for sharing.

Live and be well - H

[yuka]

Nice piece

[Jack of Hearts]

You're making real progress in this reader's opinion. You're whittling it down and making an impact.







J

[everyadventure]

I really liked the metaphor of the words being tattooed...

Welcome back, good to see you posting again :)