Steps That Walked The Earth

[ShadowsCool]

xxxxx

[Delta40]

Poetry soaked in religion will only ever be for select readers. I can feel its power but also its absolute self-righteousness - not from God but from the narrator and it repulses me.

[ShadowsCool]

Strong words. Perhaps I should delete. It was not my intent.

[Jack of Hearts]

Not necessarily. This reader doesn't prefer this kind of poetry but, Shadows, if you want to write it and for a truly sympathetic audience, you could easily find a site for religious... uh, writing.


And there's no reason you can't persist here, either, if you want to.







J

[Buh4Bee]

Was it really that offensive?

[everyadventure]

I'd like to see it, Shadows. Would you be willing to message it to me? It sounds fitting for a Sunday evening...

[Jack of Hearts]

Well, no. Not at all. It just struck a sour chord with Queen Kookabura (who gave honest feedback). But personal 'faith' is a delicate thing, even in expression.


This reader empathizes with Shadow regarding that, at least (the emotional aspect- this reader holds no 'faith' in that sense).






J

[Buh4Bee]

So that gives Shadow some feedback.

[ShadowsCool]

Guys it really was not my intent to be self-righteous, as Delta pointed out. I was taken back by that comment. On second look, the poem may come off that way. But I, In no way, am self-righteous.

What I don't understand about people who read poetry sometimes are, why post a condescending remark toward the writer of the poem? I was a bit offended. And would never do such myself.

If someone has a problem with the poem, that's no problem. But to direct a remark toward the poet, is a bit strong.

No problem though, live and learn.

Shadows

Here is the offender: Again, it's just me expressing myself. Sometimes I write in the third person.



They That Walked The Earth

The bursting into flames
Who were they?
They that went off into the distant hills
Into their silent graves.

Who were they roaming the circle of earth?
Their mocking laughter
Against the will of God;
Their blasphemes words: I am King!

As camels they strove the deserts
Picking up the bleached sand
Neath their mind their hand
Blackened like their heart.

Who were they foregoing the future
For a soul of darkness?
Having to choose glory or the curse
Drawn from their lips.

The deep silence that touched their souls
No longer regards them,
For they built pillars of stone
That lie crumbled as sand.

A sordid gathering of use to be's,
These visions I have
Annexed in time.
And I, Father, felt the air ripple,
The earth quake
In the beautiful hand of God.

[Jack of Hearts]

Maybe a misunderstanding? Delta was referring to the narrator of the poem, not the author...

But this reader agrees. The work only, no need for criticism on the author. Apologies for any undue personal offense.







J

[ShadowsCool]

JackofHearts,

I thought I was the narrator of the poem. Sometimes, I write from another person's eyes.

Like a poem about a homeless person. Though, I'm not homeless, I try to write a poem feeling like I'm that person.

It can be tough navigating, worrying about offending someone.

If I did, so sorry. I'll keep off the religious themes.

Shadows

[Delta40]

It was not my intention to offend but only to post how the poem struck me in its force and self-righteous. I'm sorry if I came across wrong and I know how I feel when reading poetry that gives me that impression. Please continue to post and if I have the same reaction I simply won't comment on your work because I don't want you to feel unwelcome.

Peace.

[ShadowsCool]

Delta,

Peace. No problem.

Shadows

[Jack of Hearts]

This brings up some interesting discussion. There was certainly no need to remove the poem Shadow, it wasn’t offensive at all. But this reader wants to share some ideas with you, if you’d be interested in hearing them. He’s no expert on poetry (there are a few around, though), but maybe you’ll like some of these?

We already agree about something. We agree that it’s not very good to talk about the author of the work. Because it’s not important. Because sometimes it’s rude. So it’s good to talk only about the work itself. That seems to be what we agree on. But we’re about to get into a little trouble here.

Now, the narrator is part of the work itself. That seems obvious. But if the author considers himself the narrator, well, we already agreed it’s not good to talk about the author… so now we can’t talk about the narrator either, which is part of the work. That seems like a blurry line to this reader- does it seem confused to you, too?

Do you think it would be good if people could talk about whatever part of the poem they wanted to?

This is why this reader thinks it’s a good idea to put healthy distance between one’s self and one’s work- that way, people can give whatever feedback they want to about the work. Then the author won’t feel as bad about getting feedback he or she doesn’t like- because he or she doesn’t see the work, or any part of it (such as the narrator), as themselves.

Writing can be an expression of our most intimate thoughts but the work only ‘borrows’ our voice, it doesn’t own it… it only captures a moment of it, maybe, this reader thinks.






J

[everyadventure]

Yes, good discussion. I tend to be irritated when people assume that my poems are auto-biographical fact. Sometimes they are, more often they wander off, but as a guideline one should never assume the narrator and the writer are one and the same.

Okay, on to your poem, which I'm glad you re-posted. Clearly a religious poem, but I must say I'm confused about the references. You have the "bursting into flames," which could possibly be referring to Sodom, or several other biblical cities... then the reference to blaspheme, which I'm assuming was at Christ's crucifixion.

The camels had me thinking immediately of the wise men, but they wouldn't have blackened hearts... I'm unfamiliar with any story of men turned to camels (although I've always been intrigued by Balaam's talking donkey in Numbers-- but that's another story). Pillars of stone brought to mind Solomon... all of these were somewhat vague and I could be completely off in my interpretation. Perhaps a bit more clarification in writing would be helpful.

The last stanza was wonderful. I think the only line that seemed strange there was "beautiful." When I imagine this, the earth held (and quaking!) in God's palm, I think of power, greatness, perhaps even justice... but beauty seems somewhat weak.

A good read, thanks for sharing.

[ShadowsCool]

Yes, good discussion. I tend to be irritated when people assume that my poems are auto-biographical fact. Sometimes they are, more often they wander off, but as a guideline one should never assume the narrator and the writer are one and the same.

I too wander off. Must be attention deficit. But seriously I catch your point.

Now about the poem.

I really don't know why I posted it. It is a bit muddled. The ending I wanted to sound positive, as if God is in charge. So I wrote that bit in.

Pillars and sand refers to that city Sodom. Weak reference I must say.

The bursting into flames could have just as easily been a spark. I meant to say the creation of man. But I get carried away.

The camels? Of course, another desert scene. I kinda threw them all together and get a shaky result.

The poem I had in mind basically ask the question. What happened to these people who lived, not believing in God and acting probate? I sometimes wonder myself through Gods eyes. Are there any consequences for our actions? Stuff like that. Yet, I know I should just not think about such things.

Shadows

[everyadventure]

Nope, that's a relevant question and a good starting point for a poem. My only advice is, if you're going to write a poem with literary references, make sure they're sharp. A well-read listener should know instantly what you're talking about. That said, I did feel like you presented these old stories in a new light; they just need to be pulled into focus a bit. Don't give up on this one.

[ShadowsCool]

Do you think it would be good if people could talk about whatever part of the poem they wanted to?

This is why this reader thinks it’s a good idea to put healthy distance between one’s self and one’s work- that way, people can give whatever feedback they want to about the work. Then the author won’t feel as bad about getting feedback he or she doesn’t like- because he or she doesn’t see the work, or any part of it (such as the narrator), as themselves.

Writing can be an expression of our most intimate thoughts but the work only ‘borrows’ our voice, it doesn’t own it… it only captures a moment of it, maybe, this reader thinks.


J

Some good points to ponder. I haven't thought about it enough to form a conclusive opinion. Criticism is perfectly fine. How else can we learn? But I think there is a lot of misinterpreting too as everyadventure pointed out. Sometimes a writer can mean one thing, but through (poor expression) it is taken another way.

[Bar22do]

I've just read your poem and the valuable discussion around it and its subject's problematics. I'm glad you let me read it. I agree with EA's guidance regarding it. With some work on it, more sharpness and tightening, it'll be a much better a poem. I'd be curious to read the revision.

[Delta40]

I agree there is a subtle distinction between narrator and author and I guess that is how the misunderstanding (thankfully brief) arose. I often write through the eyes of other people too Shadow. I try to walk a mile in their shoes so to speak. Some of my work is semi-autobiographical or I am obviously expressing my own emotions in a fictional scenario.

Anyway, I'm at least glad an interesting discussion was the outcome - one we call all learn by

[ShadowsCool]

I agree there is a subtle distinction between narrator and author and I guess that is how the misunderstanding (thankfully brief) arose. I often write through the eyes of other people too Shadow. I try to walk a mile in their shoes so to speak. Some of my work is semi-autobiographical or I am obviously expressing my own emotions in a fictional scenario.

Anyway, I'm at least glad an interesting discussion was the outcome - one we call all learn by

Yep, I agree. The creative process is not always smooth. But can be darn fun at times. There is always something to learn.

Shadows

[tailor STATELY]

I too am the better for having read your poem and the comments that followed.

Good discussion all around.


I sometimes wonder myself through Gods eyes. Are there any consequences for our actions? Stuff like that. Yet, I know I should just not think about such things. - I agree a lot from everyadventure's post #17. Why is this a bad thing - to ponder the mysteries... any set of mysteries ? And why not in poetry ? Follow your muse and reflect and write as your heart dictates, for you are the final critic after all the critiques.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY