PDA

View Full Version : Love (rather catchy title, isn't it?)



Jathy
08-07-2011, 05:16 PM
This one is part of a 100 themes challenge, the theme this time being... Love. I enjoyed writing it, thought I'd share it here as well.

Zephyra was a witch. In the time when she lived, witches were appreciated and needed. They were also very rare, so Zephyra’s mother was very proud. No one else in the family had been a magician since her great great great granddad or something, so she felt very privileged to have such a daughter.
Zephyra was beautiful as a butterfly, her smile warming like the sun. Her personality shone through her eyes in the same calming way. Not one could dislike her. So yes, Zephyra’s mother was pretty pleased. There was just this one thing that bothered her. Zephyra’s favourite thing to do was not practice her magical skills. No, it was making up stories. And not just any kind of stories; they were love stories. Whatever she was doing that she didn’t need to actually pay attention to, she was daydreaming, making up the most wonderful, enchanting stories.
It annoyed her mother quite a lot. Silly love stories were not for young witches. It was for no-lifers. Her daughter was definitely not a no-lifer.

It was a cold day in the dead of winter, dark as the regions of Hades. It was also very quiet, most of the wild life, plants included, hibernating. The only sound was the sound of falling snow, and it was plenty enough inspiration for Zephyra and her fantasies. She was done with all the chores of the day, so she sat in the middle of their garden, a huge, snow-covered field. The cold didn’t bother her, since the powerful magic flowing through her very veins kept her comfortable. Far, far away in her own, dreamy world as she was, she did not notice her mother’s approach, nor her voice before it became irritated and shrill. Surprised, she lifted her head to find that she was being glared at.
“Are you lost in your useless fantasy world again?” Her mother’s face was a tight mask, and her tone matched.
“But mother,” Zephyra replied kindly. “It’s such a lovely one, this. The princess is close to rescuing her prince, and they will live happily ever after!” She smiled widely, but her mother was not impressed.
“Fairytales are for kids. I have had enough. You are going to Jotifa.”
Zephyra was utterly shocked. Jotifa was a very old, foul witch, or so it was said. But she was also the very best. She lived many, many miles away. While Zephyra was pondering this, her mother went and wrote a letter for Jotifa. In the envelope she included more than enough payment for treatment and teaching of her reckless daughter. After kissing her daughter on the forehead, she sent her away on the healthiest horse they had, the envelope placed safely under Zephyra’s shirt. All alone, the mother could only wait and hope.

It took days and days, but never did Zephyra get lost. She knew the way, without ever having been taught it. Was she hungry or thirsty, she would simply conjure up anything she wanted. All the way there she was making up more and more amazing, intriguing love stories.
After a week or so, she felt that she was getting very close. Jotifa had sensed her coming as well. The snow was getting deeper, the surroundings gloomier. Suddenly, a square-ish shape appeared far ahead, and the horse started speeding up a bit, encouraged by the thought of finally getting shelter.
In the doorway of the big ramshackle hut was a little chubby lady. Zephyra was very relieved to see that Jotifa did not have a wart on her nose, just like the children stories predicted that grown up witches would get. She handed the old woman the envelope, and Jotifa took out the letter with a suspicious glance at Zephyra. Apparently it was a very long letter, or maybe Jotifa was just a slow reader. Either way, Zephyra felt like she stood a long time, pending. For once she was not absorbed in fantasy. No, she was truly curious to see the other witch’s reaction.
Jotifa finished reading and slowly looked up at Zephyra. Her expression was very stern, almost like a mother’s. “Love…,” she started in a serious tone with a rasping voice. Zephyra knew she could not doubt whatever came out of Jotifa’s mouth next. Whatever the words might be it would be completely true, and something she would have to accept.
“… is the greatest kind of magic.”

TeranikaSloane
08-08-2011, 06:15 AM
I liked this, esspecially the end. I was all ready for Jotifa to put her down or something, I loved how it ended. In my opinion it is very good indeed

Jathy
08-08-2011, 08:12 AM
Thank you very much, Teranika (:

wavydavy123
08-09-2011, 11:35 AM
I liked this fairytale. Indeed a well written ending. However , I would like to see you push your talents to the limit, and by that I mean I want to see a longer, fleshed out piece by yourself. The thig about fairytale is that they are very suited to this length of piece; a short, sweet piece with a single moralistic idea. I hope that through writing somethig with more length, we will see firstly more writing (a skill at which you are obviously very skilled) but primarily more ideas, as your views on love are interesting, of course, but not explored in any great detail.

Jathy
08-09-2011, 11:44 AM
Thank you for the comment and the tips, Wavy. Much appreciated.

MetaHamster
08-09-2011, 04:35 PM
That was a great read. The ending surprised me as well, though I really do wish the piece were several times longer. It could certainly accommodate it, by further shattering our expectations of this Jotifa person, and describing the fantasy wrodl.

However, I do have some criticisms. Mainly choices of phrasing I thought were awkward. Maybe they don't jar to everyone, just to me. All the same, here it is:


Zephyra was a witch. In the time when she lived, witches were appreciated and needed. They were also very rare, so Zephyra’s mother was very proud. No one else in the family had been a magician since her great great great granddad or something, so she felt very privileged to have such a daughter.
Zephyra was beautiful as a butterfly, her smile warming (drop the ing) like the sun. Her personality shone through her eyes in the same calming way. Not one (awkward phrasing; maybe change to 'not one of...' or 'no one') could dislike her. So yes, Zephyra’s mother was pretty pleased. There was just this one thing that bothered her. Zephyra’s favourite thing to do was not practice her magical skills. No, it was making up stories. And not just any kind of stories; they were love stories. Whatever she was doing that she didn’t need to actually pay attention to, she was daydreaming, making up the most wonderful, enchanting stories.
It annoyed her mother quite a lot. Silly love stories were not for young witches. It was ('they were') for no-lifers (awkward phrasing). Her daughter was definitely not a no-lifer.

It was a cold day in the dead of winter, dark as the regions of Hades (awkward phrasing; perhaps name one particularly dark region, or leave it as 'Hades'). It was also very quiet, most of the wild life, plants included, hibernating (This sentece is a bit awkward. Use more connective words like 'as'). The only sound was the sound (use a different word; 'soft patter'?) of falling snow, and (but -- the following is in contrast to the word 'only') it was plenty enough inspiration for Zephyra and her fantasies. She was done with all the chores of the day, so she sat in the middle of their garden, a huge, snow-covered field (Again, more connective words). The cold didn’t bother her, since the powerful magic flowing through her very veins kept her comfortable. Far, far away in her own, dreamy world (awkward phrasing; 'dream' or 'daydream') as she was, she did not notice her mother’s approach (awkward phrasing; her mother approaching), nor her voice before it became irritated and shrill (I understand what you're trying to say, but it's confusing; rephrase it, perhaps). Surprised, she lifted her head to find that she was being glared at.
“Are you lost in your useless fantasy world again?” (I thought this line was a bit too strong; it sounded like very serious contempt, rather than a mother's concern over her daughter) Her mother’s face was a tight mask, and her tone matched (add 'it').
“But mother,” Zephyra replied kindly. “It’s such a lovely one, this. The princess is close to rescuing her prince, and they will live happily ever after!” She smiled widely, but her mother was not impressed.
“Fairytales are for kids. I have had enough. You are going to Jotifa.” (This is pretty abrupt, though I suppose it might be intentional)
Zephyra was utterly shocked. Jotifa was a very old, foul witch, or so it was said. But she was also the very best. She lived many, many miles away. While Zephyra was pondering this, her mother went and wrote a letter for Jotifa. In the envelope she included more than enough payment for (add 'the') treatment and teaching of her reckless daughter. After kissing her daughter on the forehead, she sent her away on the healthiest horse they had, the envelope placed safely under Zephyra’s shirt. All alone, the mother could only wait and hope.

It took days and days, but never did Zephyra get lost. She knew the way, without ever having been taught it. Was (you're trying to sound poetic, but I don't think it works here) she hungry or thirsty, she would simply conjure up anything she wanted. All the way there she was making up more and more amazing, intriguing love stories (I'd change the phrasing; She made up... the entire way; etc).
After a week or so, she felt that she was getting very close. Jotifa had sensed her coming as well. The snow was getting deeper, the surroundings gloomier (Is this an indication of Jotifa sensing her presence?). Suddenly, a square-ish shape appeared far ahead, and the horse started speeding up a bit, encouraged by the thought of finally getting shelter.
In the doorway of the big ramshackle hut was (maybe use 'stood'?) a little chubby lady. Zephyra was very relieved to see that Jotifa did not have a wart on her nose, just like ('as') the children stories predicted that grown up witches would get. She handed the old woman the envelope, and Jotifa took out the letter with a suspicious glance at Zephyra. Apparently it was a very long letter, or maybe Jotifa was just a slow reader. Either way, Zephyra felt like she stood a long time, pending. For once she was not absorbed in fantasy. No, she was truly curious to see the other witch’s reaction.
Jotifa finished reading and slowly looked up at Zephyra. Her expression was very stern, almost like a mother’s. “Love…,” she started in a serious tone with a rasping voice. Zephyra knew she could not doubt whatever came out of Jotifa’s mouth next. Whatever the words might be it would be completely true, and something she would have to accept.
“… is the greatest kind of magic.”


Oh, by the way, I couldn't help but think of Discworld when reading this. Though it may well not have been intentional, and you might not know what the Discworld series even is :P

Jathy
08-09-2011, 04:56 PM
Meta: As much as I appreciate your corrections, I do not agree with the "awkward phrases". It is my intended style throughout this piece.
I know of the Discworld series, but I have never read it.
Thank you for your comment.

Also, next time you decide to go through another's writing like that, be sure to use your spell check some more.

Delta40
08-10-2011, 12:45 AM
I found the story too short and is more of an extract to something greater. Be prepared for critiques which make suggestions. Nobody is asking you to take them on board.

You as an individual were not personally attacked and yet you felt it appropriate to fling mud back at the person who bothered to read your work.

Be less sensitive because I certainly don't want to critique people who are going to respond this way.

Jathy
08-10-2011, 04:30 AM
Delta: What makes you think I was "flinging mud"?
English is not my main language, so of course I very, very, very much appreciate any errors being corrected. I was merely pointing out that I did not agree with him/her. And then I find it pretty funny when people correct others, and make errors themselves.
No offense.

Delta40
08-10-2011, 05:00 AM
That's fine but some people who critque your work don't have English as a main language either or experience literacy challenges. Are you suggesting they have no right to critque your work?

A person should not be prevented from posting suggestions (and they do this because they are genuinely interested in helping) if you make personal remarks like that. He commented on the flow of your writing not your spelling and went to a great deal of trouble to give a full critique. So his spelling isn't up to par. What has that got to do with your writing ability? Absolutely nothing. Yours is a reactive response by a writer who felt the need to lash back under the guise of 'thanking' them for their comments.

Now if you had responded to his comments in an objective way instead of remarking that he can't spell, you may have benefitted from the experience. As it is you have only served to shun two Lit-Net members from ever reading your work again, let alone comment on it, which is ok if that is the outcome you're hoping for.

That being said, good luck in your endeavours.

Jathy
08-10-2011, 06:31 AM
Delta: Please don't put words in my mouth. I apologize for anything I've said to offend you, but I have -never- said I did not want the critique. I think you've misunderstood something.