The Poems of Mr Ranger

[HopefulMrRanger]

I added 3 new poems

Please, discuss, give me feedback or ask a question


The Mural:

The mural I once filled with you,
gone with the sound of lightning.
The howling from outside,
gone in the morning.
The mural was once,
gone after the night.
The mural was stolen,
gone to be destroyed.
The mural was never seen,
gone was the painter.


I saw you:

Every night I used to see you.
The one I loved.
We were never together.
My vision of you faded.
You left my sight.
Now I see nobody.


Collapse:

The room is caving,
his reality has been exposed.
He found out of his futile situation
and the mental charade is up.

Going back to reality will be hard
but it is an inevitable sacrifice.
Doctors can't expose it,
not even the best specialist.

The tortutous part about his situation
is nobody will ever know,
except for him.
As he moves on he is forgetting something.

Something he's kept deep inside.
Something he knows but chose to forgot
as it would ruin the dream
but he moves on.


The Choice:

There I sit,
stumbling in the dark
then I see a man in a chair
he turns on the light
and gives me a choice,
2 pills,
One will restore the darkness and I can continue stumbling.
The second will turn on the light,
permanently,
I will be exposed to pain and suffering,
but I will experience pure bliss.
I think, Red or Blue,
How can ignorance be compared to bliss?
I chose, the path less taken,
the light turns off and I sink back into the dirt. I haven't regretted the decision.
Yet.

[hillwalker]

The first poem is the more coherent - although there's a lot of repetition (intentional presumably) and some of the imagery (the 'howling from outside') doesn't seem to fit in the context of a poem about how in time people and relationships perhaps fade away like a neglected painting.

The second one though is a bit of a mess - purely because you have relied on a rhyme scheme that forces you to write convoluted sentences :

'the drop of poison that me, killed'

Does anyone speak like this in English?
I couldn't really make much sense of it because it was written in such an unnatural style. Perhaps a rewrite is in order once you decide what you are trying to tell your readers so you can allow your ideas to flow more freely from your pen.

But a promising start - thanks for sharing.

H

[everyadventure]

Welcome to LitNet!

[PrinceMyshkin]

I agree that your language is not perfectly idiomatic and gets in the way perhaps of conveying what you mean to say.

[Delta40]

Kill da rhyme! and you'll do much better!

[HopefulMrRanger]

hillwalker: Thanks, I was referring to the winds of change. Also I do agree the 2nd got fairly convoluted.

Thanks to everybody for the advice! I do agree the rhyming got in the way...

I also put on 3 more poems!