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View Full Version : Define 'home' - my first horror story.



Jathy
08-05-2011, 02:34 PM
- Vidia -

Being home alone was not something I ever really liked, especially at night. That's one of the reasons it took me a while to move out when I still lived with my parents. My mother always nagged at me, seeming more and more annoyed with my presence. She kept telling me I needed to get going, to start my own life. Oh, my mother, how I loved her. I don't believe she was actually annoyed; I could sense the smile in her bright, blue eyes. My own eyes were green, a gift I got from my father. At least that was what I was told, because I never met him and for some reason there were no pictures of him either.
Eventually I did move out. I found a flatmate in a city not too far away from the one I grew up in, and she was very nice. The kind of quiet, smart, understanding girl you rarely come across, but always enjoy the company of when you're privileged enough to be in the same room as. Her name was Bree. Bree and I had very different personalities, yet we became close friends in the few months we got to live together. All the happiness, the bliss, it all ended so quickly, and still... The ending seemed horribly long.
One afternoon I was sprawled out on the couch, trying to regain energy after a long day at work, when Bree burst into the living room. The joy was obvious, not only on her face, but she was so buoyant it would have been hard to miss. I couldn't keep from smiling, and with that little hint she told me how this totally gorgeous guy had asked her out. "He's pickin' me up at 8," she squealed. And I was truly happy for her; she deserved it. When he got here to pick her up, I considered pulling him aside to have a word with him, just so he would know not to mess around with her. But it would be embarrassing to both, so of course I didn't do that.
It wasn't until I was standing in the window by the door, watching them drive away, that the feeling of discomfort crept up on me. That was the first time I felt eyes on my back and swirled around. Of course no one was there, so I pushed the thought away again.
I would have to spend who knows how many hours alone, on a dark night in the dead of winter. I hadn't even thought about what I was going to have for dinner, so I started searching the fridge. I didn't have much luck there, but instead I found a lot of ice cream in the freezer which I had completely forgot about. Ice cream, why not? I could settle with that. Trying to make it nice and cozy, I lit some candles and found a couple of films I could put on and get absorbed in. They were comedies, because I hoped laughing would distract me from the thought of being alone. Unfortunately, the first one was so boring I didn't even understand anyone would label it "Comedy", and after 20 minutes of pure boredom I decided to put on another one. As I got up from the couch, though, the smell of black smoke caught my nose, as if something was on fire, and I looked around with furrowed brows. The candles I had lit were all relatively close to me, and none of them were burning out of control. I could see no smoke or flames anywhere, but still went to check the other rooms: two small bedrooms and a bathroom. When I had looked there, I went to the front door to see if it was something outside. No smell hit me when I opened it, only clear, icy air and a few snowflakes that immediately melted on my skin. So I locked the door again, and turned around. I had to blink a couple of times in disbelief. The room was blurred out by dark smoke that quickly thickened and made me cough. We didn't have a fire extinguisher, and I couldn't see any fire anyway, only smoke. It smelled heavily like something was burning, but it didn't look like the smoke had any source. It was just all over the place. I walked slowly into the room, trying to look around. Once again I got the feeling that someone was watching me and turned around quickly, just to find no one was there.
I had to find a phone or something. I was frantically searching the pockets of my jeans and hooded sweater, but found nothing. And all the time it still felt like someone was looking at me, maybe even laughing, which made me keep looking around and over my shoulder. I looked like someone who was really paranoid. I remember thinking about what I would do if I actually did find someone there with me in the room. It probably wouldn't help the situation at all. Dizziness clouded my mind and it took a while before I thought of opening some windows. Surely some fresh air would be a good idea. The smoke was now so thick that I could barely see; I hoped I was walking in the right direction. However, on my way toward what I hoped would be a wall with windows, I bumped into something semi-solid and screamed loudly as I fell backwards and hit the floor with a thud. Someone or something had been in my way. It had felt like a person, but there was nothing to see. I could see outlines of furniture, so I would have been able to see if someone was there, right? The panic was almost as choking as the smoke, and the heat was becoming overwhelming. I got up on my feet again, and noticed that my movements were beginning to feel slower, almost as if I were in some kind of weird dream. Nightmare, more like. I walked more carefully this time, and again I bumped into the unknown. This time I didn't fall, and I didn't scream, but tears were streaming down my face. My hand reached out, unsure and searching. I wanted to feel what was there. The other hand was covering my mouth. What I felt made me pull back my hand and clutch my throat. There was definitely someone there. Someone who was not as solid as a human being, but it was without a doubt someone. I thought I heard someone laugh. A low, deep rumble that was both mean and satisfied, though I couldn't determine whether it was just in my head. I wanted to back away, but my body refused to react, even though my mind was screaming orders to it.
It was now so dark in the room that I could see nothing at all. I felt weak, thirsty, dizzy and tired. I didn't even realise that I was suddenly on the floor, fighting to keep breathing. I could almost hear the flames crackling now. Something pressed down on me, pushed the last air out of my lungs and filled them with the impenetrable smoke. My hair was wet from sweat and tears, and so was the rest of my body. I drifted through time and space, not sensing anything but darkness.
Everything was pitch-black.


- Amon -

Roaming the streets of another world, an uncomfortable, unfamiliar place, I needed to find a way back. It was cold and way too clear compared to my own world. I couldn't really see anything much, even though it was dark now. Bitterness floated through me. If those humans hadn't been so selfish, spoiled, pathetic, curious, dumb... If those humans hadn't meddled with things, if they had just kept to themselves and their own little world, I wouldn't have been trapped in the first place. But I was trapped in the human world like an imprudent mouse.
I had been searching for the right one for ages when I finally felt it. It was not so far away anymore. You see, I needed a direct descendant from my capturer. I knew enough about humans to know that he would be long gone, but finding someone with his blood would work just as well. I could have been so unlucky that they had died out, that his blood was no longer on Earth. So when I felt the presence of it again, relief washed through me, and I headed in the right direction. I was no longer guessing where to search; I knew exactly where I had to go, and what I had to do. It didn't take long to find the right home.
Inside, it was vaguely warmer, but nowhere near enough. It was still freezing. I would have to focus hard to see clearly, but I knew I was able to do it long enough to finish this. I started concentrating and the things around me became clearer. My eyes fell upon my target: a young human girl. I could finish her off in less than a second, but where was the fun in that? The thoughts of sweet revenge would have made me smile, if only I had a face. I watched her as she made herself comfortable. Myself, I was planning on how to take her fragile little life. I decided to let her feel my wrath. Slowly, I let out my inner self. The room very gradually became warmer, nothing the girl would notice just yet. But she could smell it. I saw her get up and try to find out what was wrong, but I was all over and invisible to her. I enjoyed the confusion on her face as she found nothing. The more I let my energies out, the more dark and blurred it would get for the human. It also meant i didn't have to concentrate so much anymore, because I could see now without trying. She was fumbling around. Now she was the trapped one, and I was amused. I felt her panic mixing with my wrath, making me stronger, and making the room even darker. Finally the feeble little girl thought of letting in fresh air, but of course I couldn't have that. As she rushed toward her freedom, the core of me took on a more solid form. I was the size of a full-grown human male, and I stood in her way. She fell to the floor, screaming loudly. The screaming only made me that much more excited. I almost felt as if I were home now, that was how much I filled out the room. When the girl got to her feet again and tried to go in another direction, I moved slightly to stand in her way again. This time she was prepared and didn't fall. Despite her situation she was curious enough to reach out and feel me. She barely touched me, though, before the horror on her face grew more pronounced and she drew back her tiny hand. I couldn't keep from laughing. I was happy, because I finally got what I needed. But even though I felt the happiness, the wrath was still there and I longed to end the girl's life so I could get away from this place. I let go completely of myself and felt the life flow from the human. She fell to the floor, but her consciousness was already so far away that she wouldn't feel a thing. And then I took over her body. The room was no longer dark, because I had found my gateway. I felt the warmth of her insides, before I swam through worlds and reached my destination in no time. The familiar warmth of my own world was comforting and relaxing.
Home.


- Daily Mail -

Young woman found lifeless, cause of death unknown

Late last night, a young woman by the name of Vidia Lewis was found lifeless by her flatmate in their home at Kelly Avenue, Peckham. The flatmate, Bree Adams, had gone out with a friend earlier that evening, and when she returned to the flat, she found the body of her friend on the floor. There were no signs of forced entry, and the body showed no evidence of violence. The autopsy, however, was a shock for everyone. Her intestines were black and burned, even worse than if she had been caught in a fire. The doctors had no explanation to what had happened to the woman and her cause of death remains a mystery.

hillwalker
08-06-2011, 10:35 AM
Interesting tale - especially the dual persepectives.

Of course, when the narrator is the one who ends up dead it's difficult to figure out how they got to write the story before dying - but that's a technical quibble and it happens in very many other tales of this kind.

There was perhaps a little too much background information making the story very slow to come to life - the business with her eye colour and little trivial details like there being nothing in the fridge for dinner.
Also in a story of this kind the way you create an atmosphere or generate tension is important. Lines like Once again I got the feeling that someone was watching me are not enough. The reader needs to experience through the narrator's own senses what that feeling was. We can't share it unless you also make us feel the same.

One final hint - breaking a story into separate paragraphs using line spaces like I have on my response makes it easier to read on-screen. A block of dense text is hard on the eyes and some readers will give up.

But I'm glad I didn't because it was enjoyable to read. Well done.

H

Jathy
08-06-2011, 10:41 AM
Thanks a lot for the feedback, H (: Very useful.

wavydavy123
08-10-2011, 12:29 PM
Again, jathy , this is a well written piece, with an interesting use of varying prospectives. What I would say is that, for me, the piece is not scary enough. Maybe it's just because I'm a really hard dude (that was sarcasm btw) but the lack of tension meant that I was not scared and for a horror story, I have to consider that a weakness. Also, the very last line of the first part seems unnecessary. The demon himself seems a little too conversational in tone, a little too normal somehow. I mean it is from another world, so I would have likes to see you mix up the language a bit more to make it more creepy. As it stands all we have is adjectives to describe how evil and differen he is to humans; a change in literary style would emphasise this further I think.

What I would say is not to be too disheartened by my ideas, as I like yeh writing style and fluidity, while th premise itself was quite neat. Keep writing :)

Jathy
08-10-2011, 06:03 PM
wavy: Thanks a lot for the feedback :D It's my very first horror story, and it was actually a school assignment. It's not the kind of thing I usually write. But still, very useful, so thanks ^^

Jack of Hearts
08-12-2011, 03:04 PM
That took an interesting twist. Two perspectives was a good idea. A space between paragraphs would have been more kind to the eyes- LitNet formatting, as it were.

No idea where Amon was going- presumably Hell, not that it matters- but most of the story is him 'playing with his meal' before he eats it. And he is a sadist.







J

Jathy
08-13-2011, 07:28 AM
Jack: Yes, I found out that just copy-pasting doesn't work so well here xD But I'm glad that you liked it.
Amon is indeed pretty sadistic, and his home would be somewhere similar to Hell, yes.