A Couple of Love Poems

[ShadowsCool]

My Dear Love

Let me take you in through my fears my love,
Past my world of ruin and despair,
Into the nook of my loving heart.
To where it all beats on to my epicenter
Beneath the self filters of doubt,
There I'm free as can be.

Let me acquire you there sweet dear,
Holding you snug next to my heartbeat,
A place unfettered by life's daily wears.
There I'll snuggle you in under the stars and moon.
You and I will dream what can be
Then us darling will be set free.

-Love Poem 46-

I saw the sky one day
Painted with white puffs,
And there was swirling winds
Dancing along hillsides
That sketched your face.
And fluffy snow was
Upon your eyes,
As you gazed up
In the celestial heavens.

And there were angels
That spoke with you.
All of them ghostlike
Like glowing lights.
And there were birds
That flew all around,
And I was left amazed
At what my eyes saw.

And I heard sounds
Sparrow birds singing praise.
And I saw your lips
Soft as a rose bloom,
Sprouted beautifully
Pressed on mine,
And against the pinkish sky
I saw a portrait of us in heaven.

[Jack of Hearts]

The second poem was much easier to get through, but both of these were kind of rough going (this reader tried earlier today, as well).

Shadow, if you want constructive feedback, here's some: pretend you get to borrow this reader's eyes. Now you're looking at this poem like you're a reader, not the author. Take a few minutes. Just look.


Do you feel like you can make any edits from that perspective?








J

[Delta40]

I think the first stanza of the first poem contains too many 'my' and makes it a rather bumpy ride. I know love poems can be quite hard to write and I did prefer the second although too many 'ands' in it. Both have potential, especially when edited.

[hillwalker]

Love Poem 46 says it all - you are definitely an advocate of quantity rather than quality.

I'm not sure if you're trying to corner the market in love poetry but neither of the above warrant a second glance. There's nothing new on display, and both show disturbing signs that you're neither bothering to read nor edit your work before posting - not particularly respectful to the reader and not worthy of constructive critique in exchange.

H

[everyadventure]

Shadow, my friend. There was not a single line in there that convinced the reader this is love.

Okay, I'm going to give you a challenge. Write a love poem that shows a specific scene between two people. Include a line or two of dialogue. What are they doing that demonstrates their love for each other? (And please, think outside the box here.) What words might mean I love you, without saying it outright? Use your imagination, you can DO this!

[echo75]

I second EA. You can do it, since I have seen you write some good poems. I think her challenge is a good exercise to help progress towards your own voice and meaningful images.