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Charlie5thumbs
08-04-2011, 06:05 PM
On a moonless night the two men sat and waited in an old black pickup truck. “You sure everyone is gone tonight?” asked Buddy, the tall skinny one in the passenger’s seat. This was his first time and he wanted to get it over with. Within the hour, he had already smoked almost a whole pack of cigarettes.
“Will you quit asking me that already? I told yuz, they’re gone for the whole weekend. My brother confirmed it. Relax!” The driver, a man in his mid forties with small black eyes and oily hair was now beginning to have serious doubts about his new partner. Sure, everyone is nervous or scared their first time, but this was ridiculous.
“So…so what are we waiting for Jerry?”
The driver checked his watch. “Just a few more minutes. I wanna make sure we don’t see a soul stirring anywhere around here.” He scanned every house in the block. Then they both locked target on the picturesque two story house. The very symbol of the American dream.
Jerry’s brother was an installer for one of the most well known and highly respected home security companies in the country. On one particular job he had overheard some details about this family outing, when they would be going and for how long. It was their lucky break.
They both looked at their watches again and Jerry finally gave the go ahead, but right before they opened their doors a bedroom light came on in the very house they intended to despoil.
“Who the hell is that?”
A silhouette of what looked like a female in a moving chair passed by the window. A minute later it passed again in the opposite direction before the light went off.
Jerry thought for a moment and then slammed his steering wheel with a curse under his breath.
“I remember him saying something about their daughter who was a cripple or a pyropolegiac… or whatever the hell they call it!”
“Well what are we gonna do?”
“I guess we’re gonna have to go in anyway. We’ll just have to be extra quiet is all. This’ll be the big test of our cat burglaring skills.”
“Skills? I don’t have any skills! This is my first time! I really don’t know about this man. Why don’t we just forget this one Jerry? I‘ve got a real bad feeling about it.”
“Are you cracked? You know how long I’ve been planning this bag job? We ain’t gonna get no other chance like this one for a long time! Don’t you wuss out on me now or so help me I’ll break your bony little..!”
“Alright! alright! But maybe we should wait just a little longer. Just to make sure she’s asleep.”
“OK we’ll give it another hour and then we’re going in.”
Jerry hated Buddy’s skittishness, but he knew that he was right this time.
As the minutes dragged on and on, he couldn’t keep his eyes off of that bedroom window, nor could he suppress the thought that kept growing in his mind; the opportunity that presented itself to him that night. The quiet lust that began stirring in his nether regions the moment he saw that light turn on had now grown into a frightful passion. This threw a wrench into all his plans. It was supposed to be quick and easy. In and out with a few valuables and that was it. Now he had to make a decision. And he decided to act on his most base and vile instinct and take full advantage of the poor young girl and her disability.
He looked at his watch again. It was close to midnight. “Alright change of plans Buddy. We’re gonna go in the same way we talked about, but I’m gonna let you grab all the goodies while I go upstairs and make sure the gal in there stays quiet!”
“Buddy’s nervous expression turned into despair.”
“Oh no man! Come on! Please! Please… don’t hurt her man! This wasn’t how it was supposed to go down!”
“Shut the hell up! I’m not gonna hurt anybody. I just wanna make sure she doesn’t try to call someone.
“But you said she was a paraplegic. She’s not gonna cause us any trouble!”
“Just cause they can’t walk doesn’t mean they can’t use a phone you dumbass!” I just wanna play it safe. And we’ll be wearing these so don’t worry. I won’t have to waste her after she sees me. He pulled out two ski masks out of the glove box as he spoke. “OK Buddy, this is it! No turning back now partner!”
Jerry’s brother had already taken care of the alarm system so the only thing left to do was jimmy the door open, but to their amazement it wasn’t even locked. Like a couple of badly dressed Ninjas, they stealthily entered the living room. Billy went on the hunt for all the booty while Jerry slowly climbed up the stairs. His heart raced out of control, not out of fear, for he was as hardened as a criminal can get and he rarely experienced fear, but out of anticipation. He didn’t even know what the girl looked like but he imagined her to be a beautiful young woman of about 17 or 18 with blonde hair, blue yes, soft supple skin, and a body that could stop a speeding train, yet still helpless and completely subject to his every whim and fancy. But even if she didn’t look like that, he didn’t care much. He only wanted gratification, which he craved like a starving animal, and it would be very, very quick indeed. When he opened the door he was taken aback. He expected to find her in bed, but there she sat in the center of the room. All he could see was a silhouette with long flowing hair sitting in the wheelchair. The figure appeared to be covered in a sheet or blanket. He smiled as he came close. She asked him in a soft whisper, “Who are you?” He put a finger to his lips. “Shhh.. It’s OK honey, I’m not gonna hurt you. My name’s… John.” It was the only name he could think of on the spot. “I’m a friend of the fam..” He stopped suddenly and looked up noticing that the ceiling in just this particular room was incredibly high.
She said, “Oh, OK. And do you know what I am?”
“Yeah. Yeah, you’re one of those parapaligiacs.” He said leisurely, but breathing heavily. “But I don’t mind. I don’t mind at all,” he said as he sucked in his breath. Oh don’t worry baby. I’m gonna be real gentle with ya.”
“Oh no,” the voice said as it giggled. “I was going to say that I’m….a clown!” the voice suddenly altered from a gentle feminine whisper, into a deep and almost gurgling vibration as it laughed.
The figure reached out and pulled a cord on the lamp next to it with a swollen white hand while removing the blanket with the other, revealing black and white striped pants. Long pants that clashed with the brightly colored top that it was wearing. Slowly and majestically it rose. And there the seven and a half foot high Merry-andrew stood towering over Jerry’s already diminutive form which literally felt stuck to the floor. The immense head was bald on the top, but had long, filthy, purple shoulder length hair. It’s narrow yellow eyes looked right into Jerry’s and it chortled gleefully while it’s full red lips and pointed chin dripped saliva onto his face. Drip…drip… drip. Jerry tried to cry out for help but could only utter an “Ehh eeeeehhhhhhhhh! Ehhhhhh! uuuhhhhh” as the great hand came upon his head and squeezed.

wavydavy123
08-05-2011, 08:43 AM
OKay I'm a little confused by this one. It's a good little story with some merits but a few drawbacks, also. The bigger drawback for me is the relationship between the two criminals. It doesn't really GP anywhere or get explored making it seem quite superfluous, added onto that the dodgy dialogue This wasn't the way things were meant to go down! which Bad Boys movie did you take that from lol? Also the dialogue is on parts, difficult to follow. Also it seems unlikely that a criminal plannign on robbing a house would forget that he had heard somethig about a paraplegic daughter staying behind. Okay so away from the negatives, i liked the ending for it's sheer surprise, despite te fact that clowns are referenced in the title. In truth, though, I feel that I nay have misses te point; is it a dream regarding the older criminals fears, or is he imagining the girl as a clown because he is afraid of them and deep down he knows what e is doing is evil? I'm not that sure.
Also the fact that the door was open and the random thing about cat burglary...I'm not sure I understood why these were included; are these hints that it is not real and is a dream. Or is it a meant to be realistic until the supernatural ending. I suppose the fact that I am askig all these questions is a good thing, and I would be keen to hear what you had to say about my thoughts.

wavydavy123
08-05-2011, 08:46 AM
Go* anywhere ... Sorry for my typos etc, I'm doing this on my phone

Charlie5thumbs
08-05-2011, 05:19 PM
Wavy, thank you very much for your comments. This one was loosely based on a dream I once had. Mostly the ending anyway. I thought it might make a good short story so I just ran with it. I actually don’t like it, because I do think it’s pretty cheesy, but I thought I would post it anyway to see if I would get any feedback. It’s always good exercise to discuss one’s work, even if it sucks. Or I guess I should say, especially of it sucks.

I’m not sure what you mean about the dialogue being in parts.

You’re right about the robber forgetting about the girl. I thought of that but didn’t know how else to suggest that he knew about her.

About the point of the story. I didn’t even think about this ending being a dream. I guess it very well could be. But I think I was just trying to represent a final recompense for the evil on his part. Guess he had a tremendous fear of clowns. Probably why I titled it Caulrophobia. That and I just love the sound of that word. Please don’t think I’m a psycho or anything, but, I kinda have a thing for clowns. I’m thinking of getting a tattoo of one on my arm for my birthday. I feel that they just get a bad rap these days lol.

wavydavy123
08-05-2011, 07:15 PM
don't get me wrong , I don't mean that it sucks. not at all! i enjoyed it and i looked forward to seeing more of what you post here :)

Delta40
08-05-2011, 07:19 PM
I want to read this but because there are no line or paragraph breaks I can't. Consider clicking the edit button and putting them in there and then I will be happy to read and review!

Charlie5thumbs
08-05-2011, 07:33 PM
Thanks! I'm working on another one right now which I'll probably post it in a day or two. I'll be checking out your stories as well.

Delta40
08-05-2011, 07:40 PM
great!

wavydavy123
08-06-2011, 03:25 AM
if you check out any of mine mate, be sure to check out 'Being Billy Connolly'. all my others (so far) are rubbish

Charlie5thumbs
08-06-2011, 06:59 PM
Will do!