The Skeleton's Property (a short short vignette)

[Charlie5thumbs]

I had a dream last night. I dreamed that I had attended a party, a grand celebration that was held in a beautiful Greek style palace where there were hundreds of people. But I could only recall the ones I knew, especially those who were closest to me. Everyone I saw was in the prime of their youth and without a care in the world it seemed. Dressed in bright colorful costumes that reflected our mood at this time, we danced and we ate; we laughed and discussed old times; we drank and we sang. Then I saw my mother, and she was thirty years younger! And next to her stood me as young child. I embraced her and was blinded by my tears. There was so much to talk about and so many friends to catch up with, but we were suddenly interrupted by a most unwanted visitor. All too soon it was over. He stood at the entrance covered in a black shroud. The skeleton looked at each one of us, and everyone became utterly silent. We knew who he was and what he wanted but still refused to believe. Finally someone spoke.
“You’re not welcome here. You need to leave!”
“Oh but you are quite mistaken sir,” replied the skeleton. This is my property and it is you who need to leave immediately!” It was futile to resist his demand. With downcast faces we began walking toward the exit in single file. The great hall was suddenly very cold and the sharp wind blew dust over all the uneaten food and it rotted instantly. I turned around to look one last time and the only thing I saw was the great mess that we had made, the empty palace that aged about a thousand years in one moment, and that hideous bony figure with the perpetual grin looking at me from under his hood.

[kangels4ever]

Pretty good.
Couple ideas come to mind that would make it even better:

Instead of "a grand celebration that was held in a beautiful Greek style palace", drop "that was" so it reads "a grand celebration held in a beautiful Greek style palace".

Opinion why: in my experience "was" is a very expendable word when it comes to fiction narratives. The less it's used, the more vivid the narrative gets.

Instead of "Then I saw my mother, and she was thirty years younger! And next to her stood me as young child." tweak it to "Then I saw my mother. I blinked; she looked thirty years younger, and next to her stood me as a young child!"

Opinion why: much better description that uses words to maximum visual effect.

On the whole, though, you've come up with a most excellent work of "flash fiction". With some sprucing up you'll have a good shot at getting it published.

[Charlie5thumbs]

Thanks Kangels! Good points.

[qimissung]

It is a good idea for a short story. I assume you won't use the past perfect ( "I dreamed I had attended a party...) which makes it seem more at a remove and reduces the sense of whatever mood you are trying to convey.

[Charlie5thumbs]

This actually was loosely based on a dream I had. Not sure what else I would use though.

[MetaHamster]

It was an interesting story, though I'm not entirely sure what it was trying to convey. It needs a bit of work.



I had a dream last night. I dreamed that I had (tense confusion. No need to switch to Past Perfect. Just drop the 'had'.) attended a party, a grand celebration that was (as suggested previously: drop this) held in a beautiful Greek style (Greek style sounds awkward) palace where there were hundreds of people (This last part seems awkwardly tacked on; find another way to express it). But I could only recall the ones I knew, especially those who were closest to me (Not sure what you're trying to say here. Do you mean 'recognize'?.). Everyone I saw was in the prime of their youth and without a care in the world it seemed (Although it's not necessary, I would move the 'it seemed' to the beginning and use a comma). Dressed in bright colorful costumes that reflected our mood at this time (remove this), we danced and we ate; we laughed and discussed old times; we drank and we sang. Then I saw my mother, and she was thirty years younger! And (remove this 'and') next to her stood me (The proper word to use is 'I', but you can use 'a younger me' or something. It sounds jarring like this.) as young child. I embraced her and was blinded by my tears. There was so much to talk about and so many friends to catch up with (this seems rather jarring, considering we expect this sentence to be about the narrator and his mother), but we were suddenly interrupted by a most unwanted visitor. All too soon it was over (sounds redundant. Insert it into the previous sentence or remove it) He stood at the entrance covered in a black shroud. The skeleton looked at each one of us, and everyone became utterly silent. We knew who he was and what he wanted but (add 'we' and a comma) still refused to believe.

Finally someone spoke. “You’re not welcome here. You need to leave!”


“Oh but you are quite mistaken sir,” replied the skeleton. "This is my property and it is you who need to leave immediately!” It was futile to resist his demand. With downcast faces, we began walking toward the exit in single file. The great hall was suddenly very cold and the sharp (You don't normally describe wind as just 'sharp, though I understand what you're trying to say. This is fitting in a dream, though) wind blew dust over all the uneaten food and it rotted instantly. I turned around to look one last time and the only thing I saw was the great mess that we had made, the empty palace that aged about a thousand years in one moment, and that hideous bony figure with the perpetual grin looking at me from under his hood.
(Another note, I think you should use 'it' for the figure, unless you intentionally want to suggest it's male for some reason)


Sorry if I seem brusk or overbearing in my criticism. Just trying to help.

[Hopfrog]

I like this very much. It is my nature to want a more poetic, dream-like prose style as befits a prose-poem; since it is a dream, it can have a less realistic nature in its narrative. You've reached this at points, but could enhance the point where the dream is tarnished with the invasion of nightmare. It can all be accomplished subtly, with language. But that's just me, of course, and you must write what is in you and express it as you will. Thanks for sharing.

[Charlie5thumbs]

I do appreciate the suggestions. I will definitely look into it. I'm always open to criticism. That's what this forum is for. Have a great day Meta.

[Charlie5thumbs]

Thank you Hopfrog. I usually don't write stuff like this, but I definitely need to learn more about poetry and metaphor to make my short stories more effective. One think Ray Bradbury suggested in a lecture once, was to read at least three things every single day. A poem, an essay, and a short story. Wish I had more time to do that!