This Pilgrimage

[angliholic]

No sound of footsteps ahead of me,
Nor can I see any followers behind me~
Only a few blurry footprints left on this shady path ...

I feel my feet aren't mine any longer, and
my mind is cloudy as the fuzzy clouds up above.
I'm yearning for a rest, and I'm feeling like ...
the bird in the tree nearby perching in its nest.

Maybe, I'll wait in a pavilion on the roadside
for the cicadas to play their finale,
for the maple trees to turn yellow,
for all the leaves to float like falling snowflakes,
and for the spring to grace this land again.

Maybe, I should obliterate all these fantacies
from my mind, and keep staggering on.

[Jack of Hearts]

This reader has questions about this piece.







J

[angliholic]

This reader has questions about this piece.







J

What is that?

[hillwalker]

A pilgrimage to an imagined paradise possibly.

There's a lot I liked in this, especially v. 3.

I would have to say, however, that v. 2 is rather weak - the focus changing from the pilgrimage itself to the narrator's rather muddled state of mind.
And 'I'm dying for a rest' is presumably not meant to be taken literally, so is a rather inelegant cliche that spoils the effect you took such care to create iin v. 1:
- a bit like using a piece of cheap plastic to patch up a space in a beautiful stained-glass window.

Similarly the closing verse is rather an anticlimax and I feel the poem would work better without it - 'keep rolling along' suggesting you have decided to hop on a bus when previously you were taking your time, tiny step by tiny step, towards a state of bliss.

H

[Twota]

I like this one alot, specially the third verse yah. :D

[angliholic]

A pilgrimage to an imagined paradise possibly.

There's a lot I liked in this, especially v. 3.

I would have to say, however, that v. 2 is rather weak - the focus changing from the pilgrimage itself to the narrator's rather muddled state of mind.
And 'I'm dying for a rest' is presumably not meant to be taken literally, so is a rather inelegant cliche that spoils the effect you took such care to create iin v. 1:
- a bit like using a piece of cheap plastic to patch up a space in a beautiful stained-glass window.

Similarly the closing verse is rather an anticlimax and I feel the poem would work better without it - 'keep rolling along' suggesting you have decided to hop on a bus when previously you were taking your time, tiny step by tiny step, towards a state of bliss.

H

Thanks, my mentor, for pointing out my weak points of this song.
I've revised it a bit based on you advice.
Correct me if I'm still wrong.



I like this one alot, specially the third verse yah. :D

Thanks, Twota, for the nice words. I think you're a child prodigy.

[hillwalker]

It's better (v.2 in particular).

I still feel the final verse is too defeatist - the narrator is resigned to there being no paradise at the end of the path by 'obliterating the fantasies' (rather a graphic image) so I'm wondering why does he keep staggering on when it would make more sense to turn back?

The third verse was filled with such hope and serenity - the pilgrim at one with nature - that I feel you have missed a trick to end on a positive note; patience being rewarded.

H

[angliholic]

It's better (v.2 in particular).

I still feel the final verse is too defeatist - the narrator is resigned to there being no paradise at the end of the path by 'obliterating the fantasies' (rather a graphic image) so I'm wondering why does he keep staggering on when it would make more sense to turn back?

Thanks, my mentor,
I mean, the narrator has to give up the fantasies of waiting on the roadside for the summer, autumn, and winter to pass, and wait for the spring (implies the paradise) to come again because he's exhausted on the life journey. But it's impossible for him get to his paradise simply waiting half way on life journey. So, maybe he's really beat, yet he still has to stagger on to look for the paradise lost. But, unluckily, there may be no paradise for him or anyone on earth. This is what I tried to get across.
The third verse was filled with such hope and serenity - the pilgrim at one with nature - that I feel you have missed a trick to end on a positive note; patience being rewarded.

No, this song was meant to be a sad one as human beings are born to get old, sick and to die. There is no paradise on earth.
Thanks, Hillwalker.

[Delta40]

I'm enjoying the refreshing strategy you're taking in writing enough to be satisfied Ang.

[angliholic]

I'm enjoying the refreshing strategy you're taking in writing enough to be satisfied Ang.
Thanks, Delta, for the nice words.

You're like the summer breeze that's most welcome on a sizzling hot day!