August

[everyadventure]

August was ours.
We baked under the gingerbread eaves
of our Victorian attic apartment,
soaking away hours in the cool depths
of that titanic clawfoot tub.

You would wash my hair again and again,
tresses twining round your fingers like kelp.
Time was marked by the surge
and ebb of gravity's pull between us,
a rhythm ancient and regular as tides…

I would kiss your pruned fingers,
one through ten. "This is proof:
when you are old and wrinkled, I will love you still."

And when we emerged at last,
(we never dressed, that August),
we would lounge in front of the fan,
melting on the sunfaded loveseat.
We lived on love and popsicles,
nibbling on grape ice
and lapping at each other with
chilled purple tongues

until evening, when the air was unbearable.
And then the August night when,
weary of my complaints,
you took your pillow and left our bed.
Our first fight, then.
I sat wide-eyed in the dark,
wondering what next?

Finally you returned.
You took my hand and led me to the kitchen,
lit by the glow of the open fridge,
emptied but for your pillow.
"Go ahead," you said, "try it out."
So I did.

I sat in the fridge while we played poker,
disregarding the eggs and mayo
and plucking pickles from a jar on the floor.
We were young and hot and had
all of life before us, with its peaks and troughs,
triumphs and failures...

But August--
August was ours.

[Red-Headed]

I like it. Great use of epanadiplosis, & I can even feel the August heat. Now, if only I knew what a popsicle was ...

[PrinceMyshkin]

The mechanics of this as poetry is terrific: not a line that does not carry itself with grace or humour; but the mechanics of the resolution - even if meant comically - just isn't credible. Maybe if you had established in advance that you and your partner owned a gargantuan refrigerator...

[everyadventure]

@Red-Headed: I can't imagine what they might call popsicles over there. Frozen flavored juice on a stick?
@Prince, the shelves were removable... and we weren't BOTH sitting in there, I was just kind of perched with my legs hanging out...

[Red-Headed]

@Red-Headed: I can't imagine what they might call popsicles over there. Frozen flavored juice on a stick?


Ice Lolly.

[everyadventure]

That has a much nicer ring to it: living on love and ice lollies...

[Red-Headed]

That has a much nicer ring to it: living on love and ice lollies...

How about a '99' (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/86/99_ice_cream.jpg), an ice cream with a Cadbury's flake in it? I had one these the other day in fact. You only have to ask the ice cream man for a '99' & they know exactly what you mean.

[Hawkman]

This is a great poem ea: Can't help feeling Ive seen it (or parts of it at least) before somewhere.

Red, epanadiplosis is where a sentence begins and ends with the same word. This poem demonstrates epanalepsis, repetition or resumption with the same words.

Live and be well - H

[Red-Headed]

Red, epanadiplosis is where a sentence begins and ends with the same word. This poem demonstrates epanalepsis, repetition or resumption with the same words.

I disagree:

"Epanadiplosis is the repetition of a word or phrase at the beginning and end of a phrase, clause or sentence:" ~ UE.com

Also known as 'the recapitulator'.

See Milton's 'Paradise Lost' IV 641-56: 'Sweet is the breath of Morn ... '

Epanalepsis is when a word begins & ends a phrase or sentence: 'Blow winds and crack your cheeks! Rage, blow!' ~ King Lear, III.II.I

[Hawkman]

Chambers Dictionary 2003 p502 line 10 col a: "epanadiplosis... a figure by which a sentence begins and ends with the same word..." Either way, this poem clearly does not contain it, even by your definition. However, It does demonstrate epanalepsis. :)

[Red-Headed]

Chambers Dictionary 2003 p502 line 10 col a: "epanadiplosis... a figure by which a sentence begins and ends with the same word..." Either way, this poem clearly does not contain it, even by your definition. However, It does demonstrate epanalepsis. :)

Nope, the poem both begins & ends on 'August was ours'. Even though this is a complete sentence rather than a phrase, it could only be an epanalepsis technically if it was only one word, such as 'August'. It is true that differing dictionaries give different definitions of this. I still say that epanalepsis refers normally to a single word.

[Hawkman]

Chambers dictionary 2003 page 502 col a Line 13: "epanalepsis repetition or resumption with the same words"

Are you claiming the entire poem is a single phrase, clause or sentence!? lol

[everyadventure]

You two behave yourselves or I'll change it so it has neither ;) And hawk, if you can think of what my poem reminds you of, I'd love to know...

[Red-Headed]

Chambers dictionary 2003 page 502 col a Line 13: "epanalepsis repetition or resumption with the same words"

Are you claiming the entire poem is a single phrase, clause or sentence!? lol

That's just bandying semantics. I still say it is epanadiplosis.

[Red-Headed]

You two behave yourselves or I'll change it so it has neither ;)

OK, I promise ...

[Hawkman]

ea: maybe it's just dejas vu, but I could swear that when I just read this, I had seen at least the first three stanzas before. I even searched your posts in case you'd posted a version previously, but I couldn't find anything which resembled it.

The whole poem is beautiful, lyrical and evocative. I wish I'd written it. :D

Live and be well - H

[hillwalker]

I loved the poem - simple as that.

And as for the post mortem - it tends to prove my point that those who study the mechanics of poetry are rarely those who write it well.

H

[tailor STATELY]

Yes, a wonderful poem everyadventure.

Wishing I had a Popsicle or an icey right now.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[Twota]

I love August.

[Red-Headed]

I loved the poem - simple as that.

And as for the post mortem - it tends to prove my point that those who study the mechanics of poetry are rarely those who write it well.

H

"Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est."

[Jack of Hearts]

It was concrete and easily followed. This reader liked your use of enjambment within the refrigerator, and the polysyndeton kept the dentures on quite nicely.





J

[Buh4Bee]

EA- This is beautiful. You have such a lovely talent! I so enjoy reading your work!

[everyadventure]

@Hawk, I've been pondering this, and it seems to me that deja vu while reading a poem is not a good thing! Does it mean my poetry is repetitive, predictable? Or merely that I'm coming into my own recognizable "style?" If a reader feels he's heard something elsewhere, that means the poet hasn't said anything new...

@Hill, I always enjoy both your comments and your "snarkiness."

@Twota, what can I say, I'm extraordinarily fond of you :)

@Jack, you are the ONLY one who noticed my skillful use of enjambment and polysyndeton! I knew I could count on you to pick up on that!

@jersea, thank you :)

[hallaig]

Like it. Might rid yoursel of unecessary ballast that disrupts the flow, must be a technical term for that, poetry geeks. You're such a good writer, you might want GENERALLY to look at every noun that's got two descriptors and think, in the words of that famous WW2 poster. 'Is your Descriptor really necessary?'

In this poem
Do you need
ancient/regular...aren't tides always regular, that's what they do
chilled/purple...you're eating ice, bound to be chilled
titanic/clawfoot...must be titanic if you can both get in
peaks and troughs/triumphs and failures...same thing twice?

What I like about your stuff is that it usually says something the reader's interested in hearing, in a very immediate, yet rich, way. I like the story here, and am convinced by it, but I'm a wee bit diffident about the end, where you set up a kind of contrast between THEN and NOW, having only mentioned NOW in 4 words, peaks and troughs, triumphs failures. Maybe the word BUT is too strident in this context.
If you're writing this as it appears in your heid, rather than from a box under the bed, I am green with envy. In fact if you've a box under the bed I'm jealous too!


Poor Polly Syndeton,whatever happened to her? Didn't she die of epanalepsis?

[Red-Headed]

"must be a technical term for that, poetry geeks (?)"

Pruning? LOL!

[hallaig]

"must be a technical term for that, poetry geeks (?)"

Pruning? LOL!

Nah that's a GARDENING term. I want something Greek!

[Red-Headed]

Nah that's a GARDENING term. I want something Greek!

κλάδεμα? :smilielol5:

[hillwalker]

"Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est."

Indeed - but power does not necessarily equal wisdom.

H

[Red-Headed]

Indeed - but power does not necessarily equal wisdom.

H

Maybe not, but it is the first step. I have met some contemporary poets, including Sheenagh Pugh, Simon Armitage & Vicki Feaver. All are highly educated & very learned poets. There is nothing wrong with either being educated or just studying your subject thoroughly. You often seem to make the mistake that one of your fellow *countrymen warned of. Never infer anything from too little information.

*David Hume

[firefangled]

EA, I was captivated by this poem from the beginning. It flowed like a melting popsicle. This is the way to write a love poem, just tell the story, the sentiment and emotion will take care of itself. Begining and ending with the same three words is like an embrace.

Well done!

[hillwalker]

Red-Head : You’ve stitched me up something rotten… :cryin:

Yes, I do make bold assumptions from too little information – often about the other members on this forum based on what they post – their poems, their responses to other people’s pieces and their general demeanour. To be honest there’s often little else to go on.

I am indeed impressed by the poets you have met – the list rather reminds me of the Pokemon Card trading games my nephew used to play :

your Simon Armitage - and my favourite poet (75 points)
beats my Don Paterson – met him at Ullapool Book Festival May 2011 (70 points) – bit of a letdown to be honest
your Sheenagh Pugh (55 points)
probably has the edge on my Tom Leonard – Ullapool Book Festival June 2010 (50 points) – a real gentleman, unexpectedly
and although your Vicki Feaver (50 points)
comes nowhere near my Scottish makar - Liz Lochhead – Norman MacCaig Centenary November 2010 (70 points) – a drink and a sandwich at the ceilidh afterwards
I have no legitimate comeback against your Francis Bacon and David Hulme. :mad5:

But seriously, possessing knowledge (or power) is indeed useful to appreciating and creating poetry – but knowing how to utilize that knowledge is just as important. Your analysis of the above poem seemed as much a case of showing off your superior knowledge as passing comment on its use of language and metaphor. I would certainly find little motivation to write more by having my poetry dissected in so academic a fashion.

I’ll refrain from any further comments on this issue but stand by my assertion that knowing the mechanics is not enough - without the heart, ear and eye of a poet any prospective writer lacks the most essential tools to create meaningful poetry.

H :)

[Red-Headed]

Red-Head

I am indeed impressed by the poets you have met – the list rather reminds me of the Pokemon Card trading games my nephew used to play :

Well in that case, I should also mention that I have also met Don Paterson & Liz Lochhead ... what's the score now? I can't beat the ceilidh though LOL!

Also, Paterson has some very interesting theories on sonnets.



I have no legitimate comeback against your Francis Bacon and David Hulme. :mad5:

I'm pretty sure Bacon never actually said that, I can't find it in his works. Apparently, I'm not the only one who can't. Hume (https://secure.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/wiki/David_Hume) is definitely worth reading though.


Your analysis of the above poem seemed as much a case of showing off your superior knowledge as passing comment on its use of language and metaphor.

I think that you are projecting a bit here. I hardly critiqued the poem (I actually don't like to do it to other poets unless they invite me to), I just stated I liked it a lot & loved the epanadiplosis used. It just opened & closed it so well. The argument as to whether I had defined the technique correctly was with someone else entirely, we weren't actually critiquing the poem, we were having a dispute about a definition, which I thought was quite interesting in itself. Again, you are inferring far too much from too little information & even embellishing on events that never actually happened. If you don't believe me, go back & read what I actually wrote:

I like it. Great use of epanadiplosis, & I can even feel the August heat. Now, if only I knew what a popsicle was ...


I would certainly find little motivation to write more by having my poetry dissected in so academic a fashion.

This dissection: "I like it. Great use of epanadiplosis, & I can even feel the August heat. Now, if only I knew what a popsicle was ... " ?

Hardly a dissection, unless you are on way too much cough mixture. I actually enjoy people academically analysing my poetry. In fact, like many who study literature, I enjoy a good argument, sorry, debate about the mechanics & definitions of literature. It does no harm, & I enjoyed the debate I had.


I’ll refrain from any further comments on this issue

Seems fair ...


but stand by my assertion that knowing the mechanics is not enough - without the heart, ear and eye of a poet any prospective writer lacks the most essential tools to create meaningful poetry.

Translation: I hate over-educated poetically dissecting smart arses as they have no soul & are disciples of satan LOL!

[everyadventure]

Woo hoo, PAGE THREE!! I think I mostly have Red to thank for that. :party: BTW, Red, if someone posts a poem on LitNet, they ARE inviting thoughtful critique :)



'Is your Descriptor really necessary?' Hmm, I see what you're saying. But I have a soft spot for adjectives and the fulness they give a poem. I'd be interested to see what others have to say on this: is tighter better, or is it a personal preference?


If you're writing this as it appears in your heid, rather than from a box under the bed, I am green with envy. In fact if you've a box under the bed I'm jealous too! Ha, no underbed box. I write them right here in these little white boxes...

[Red-Headed]

Woo hoo, PAGE THREE!! I think I mostly have Red to thank for that. :party:

Excellent, I knew you could do it! :party:


BTW, Red, if someone posts a poem on LitNet, they ARE inviting thoughtful critique :)

Probably, but honest constructive criticism isn't always welcomed by all.

[hillwalker]

Translation: I hate over-educated poetically dissecting smart arses as they have no soul & are disciples of satan LOL!

You've got me again - my blind spot.

Truce? :boxing_smiley:

H

[Red-Headed]

You've got me again - my blind spot.

Truce? :boxing_smiley:

H

OK. You have to watch blind spots, things can sneak up on you.

[hallaig]

Tee Hee, I bet neither of you have read with Simon Armitage and Norman MacCaig though......


Sorry EA, didn't mean to insult your adjectives. As I hope you know, I think you're an excellent writer.

[Red-Headed]

Tee Hee, I bet neither of you have read with Simon Armitage and Norman MacCaig though......

I met Armitage when I was an undergraduate. He seemed like a nice chap.

[Delta40]

I'm posting here EA so you can maybe make it to page 4!

[Jack of Hearts]

Has it been mentioned that there's a lot of charm between the lines?







J

[everyadventure]

Page four? Yes, please! Now, where is Paperleaves? And what in the heck happened to Zoolane? And that dude with the fish avatar... I'm taking roll, people. ;)

[Twota]

For page four! :nod:

[Delta40]

Yes we don't want to take till September to get you there or you'll have to retitle the poem!

[Red-Headed]

Go 4!:driving:

[hillwalker]

If I can help push this to a new page... and achieve my 4000th posting at the same time...

H

[hillwalker]

Last one - 4000 not out.








:cheers2:






























H

[Red-Headed]

Congratulations on your 4000!

:party: :cheers2:

[everyadventure]

Ooo, congrats, Hill!

I think we cheated to get to page 4 ;) Oh well, RIP, little thread...

[MystyrMystyry]

Hey what!? Four pages!? I take a little holiday and when I return see what happens - every's exploded into four pages!

Well done (on the original post too :) )

[Delta40]

:party::party::party::party::party::party: