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Zlvb
08-03-2011, 04:42 AM
Flicker
The sun shines like a beacon of hope for the tormented people that suffer in its absence. The punishers flee from the rising force of pure good and return to there tombs to prepare for the fall.
"It is a miracle. He has come into this world from the sea of the divine light." Taiek, was the name he was given by the local people who found him alone in a clearing in the woods him.
"Impossible, if the sun were to come down and save us from the darkness for good he would not have sent an abandoned infamt without amy proof." "Tayus why can't you just believe." Tayus and Sonyha, argued over the origins of the mysterious baby, or creature sent by the divine light, but eventually decided it was much safer to bring him to the village than leave him on the forest alone. "No, you carry him, it was your idea to take him with us!" Tayus was an older man, bald and skinny, and of course ignorant. "Fine i will, but when the divines son wins me the suns favor and not yours, you'll be sorry!" Sonyha was a younger woman, about 28 years old, with brown hair and a kind face. As they get closer and closer to the gate the sounds of conflict get louder and easier to understand.
"We cannot stay here another night!"
"Where do you suppose we go then?"
"Anywhere but here! This is ridiculous, we pray and worship the sun, which is NOT a god of any sort, just because it gives us time to rest from the violence that occurs every night."
"Sonyha! Were do you suppose we go? This man is a lunatic!"
"I'm the lunatic?! Well why don't you just- Sonyha why do you have a strange child?"
Sonyha was too busy examining the child to notice the arguing but hears the last statement.
"I found it in the woods in a clearing, i believe it is the divines son."
The silence was broken, "You see? This is a sign that our troubles will soon be eased!"
The villagers believed this child had great potential, so they brought him to the heroes guild, a long journey took place to get there and the two men who took the child there ended up staying with the child as guardians at the heroes guild.
As the child aged and was of the age of about ten, they began to train him. His intellect of survival and fighting rapidly grew, he gained weight in muscles from gruesome training excersises. By the time he was seventeen years old he had learned he had special abilities, such as the power to push over a man twice his size, picking locks with nothing but his hands, materializing flame and lightning out of nothing. There was only one other person who was known to have similar powers, Altay the great sage.
Altay came to the heroes guild to train the boy to focus his energies to use his materializing of elements as a weapon, this skill was later known as Ether, the burning flame of a humans soul. The boy was a master with the sword, the powers of Ether, and the ways of the rouge. He still was not aware of his purpose on life, but he would soon find out.

Should I continue? Please send me a quick email or text message with your opinion, thanks! [email protected] 619 244 6239 (US Number)

wavydavy123
08-03-2011, 05:42 AM
Honestly, probably not. This is an undercooked rehash of a million other fantasy novels. There are a lot of errors, including 'gruesome' used to describe his training; do you perhaps mean 'gruelling'? Of course the spelling mistakes wouldn't matter if it was any good, but in my opinion it just feels a bit flat. There is a lot of confusing things about the sun and a much of dialogue whxh isn't properly punctuated - it just doesn't hold together. I would say that you need to slow down a bit an describe a bit more- what is this worlds situation, and perhaps you can show this through characters actions ad dialogue rather than simply telling us, and then describe this Forrest, describe thee character with more than a few adjectives - make them feel like real people. Keep writing and tak things slower and you may have more success. Good luck and hopefully you are not too disheartened by my Honesty

hillwalker
08-03-2011, 06:31 AM
I'm afraid I have to agree - this is a bit of a mess.

You have several interlinked pieces of dialogue inside onee paragraph. It becomes impossible to keep track of who said what. The convention requires each speaker's dialogue appear in a separate paragraph and you seem to have remembered this point as the tale progresses. But you need to be consistent.

And yes - it's a mish-mash of a million other fantasy/mythology stories but without much in the way of logic to suggest why these people are behaving the way they are or why the abandoned infant should be acknowledged as a gift from the divine sea of light (?)..

There's no harm in sticking with the basis for the story if you truly have an original tale to tell - but you need to develop some plot structure, explain a little more background (but through the telling of the story rather than as a discreet block of history which would be even worse) and find a better way of starting the story than this.
Plunging the reader into an unfamiliar scenario peopled by characters with strange names isn't enough to make one curious to read on.

H