Forever Battle

[Twota]

When the night prevails
and the moon stands tall
proud of his dull creation,
the sun ascends slowly
with a great army of light,
the absolute intensity of
the great rainbow soldiers
overwhelms the darkness,
the moon mourns his loss
and escapes to the underworld
to prepare for another round.

[Delta40]

Twota I think this poem will read much better if you delete the second stanza as 'to prepare for another round' really speaks for itself.

[Twota]

I KNEW it! :D It ended with 'to prepare for another round' but then I wanted to add my view hahaa, thanks Delta, I 'll edit it now. :D

[tailor STATELY]

A good idea and start.

I like the subtext: Beware of pride.

Perhaps intensity for intense; overwhelms or overwhelming for overwhelm.

Enjoy your writing.

Thank you for sharing.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[Twota]

Thanks Tailor, I fixed the two words now, glad you like it. :D

[hillwalker]

Your work is showing improvement - but there's still some awkward little niggles...

I had difficulty imagining the moon standing tall, and

'the powerful beamy soldiers' is a horrible expression. I can see how you intended developing the overall metaphor of night fighting day - and I'm assuming you mean sunbeams acting like an attacking force. But it doesn't fit particularly well in the poem (try reading it out loud) and I'm not even sure 'beamy' is a word.

H

[Twota]

Improvement YAY! :D
and hmm, 'the powerful beamy soldiers' is not very smooth, yah :D

I 'll think of sth else. :D

oh and I checked 'beamy', I think it is a word, or well..you get the meaning anyway. :D

[ShadowsCool]

Twota,

I like the way it is (warts and all)

I can imagine the moon standing tall.
That's just me.

I especially liked: proud of his dull creation.

Nice Job

Shadows

[Twota]

Thanks Shadows, I can see the moon standing tall too. :D