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View Full Version : The Release and I'm Gone


ShadowsCool
08-02-2011, 06:50 PM
All the qualms and dreams,
The fires in the sky,
The silk sun in the distant water.
All the night visions,
The sounds of her dreamland's
That went with me to bed.

The fearless fires of immaturity
Heaped in ashes on the ground.
The profound fluster of memory
Imploring one to go another mile.
To what the mind aspires
The body ignores.

The bygone days,
The fingers that once roamed
Stroking one's hair
Lie in lament with the silts of sand,
Dormant in the bygone past.

Peering out feeling doomed
With eyes that rove the highs,
Sensing the lows that loom.
The death that remains
Felt coming on
The final chapter,
The release and I'm gone.
hillwalker
08-03-2011, 05:50 AM
This one of yours was actually worth reading more than once - I'm guessing it's a recent poem rather than one from your archive.

Both 'the silk sun' and 'the silts of sand' stick in the mind... but then you go and spoil it all with 'a pack of doomed chickens' - as if you designed a self-destruct button and had to press it.

H
everyadventure
08-03-2011, 11:07 AM
Very, very, good-- with the exception of the chickens (?) Please do away with the chickens (humanely, of course) and I will adore this poem.
ShadowsCool
08-03-2011, 02:58 PM
H & Adventure,

I had a hard time with the chickens (no pun intended) yet I could not
come up with another line. If I lose it then the poem seems incomplete.
I sure do appreciate both your inputs.

Shadows
everyadventure
08-03-2011, 03:53 PM
Sooo much better sans chickens! This poem is officially adored.
tailor STATELY
08-03-2011, 07:13 PM
What? No chickens!

Enjoyed your poem, especially:

The bygone days,
The fingers that once roamed
Stroking one's hair
Lie in lament with the silts of sand,
Dormant in the bygone past.

I heard a hilarious story about turkeys at church last Sunday from a talk about the Utah pioneers that I'm dying to put to poetry.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY
ShadowsCool
08-03-2011, 07:58 PM
TA,

Hope to read about it soon.

Shadows
Twota
08-03-2011, 08:43 PM
I really like this one too, It's so good, Shadows. :D
Buh4Bee
08-03-2011, 09:08 PM
This one is very heavy. The images and alliteration pound you, but I think it is effective. Much enjoyed.