Confession

[cl154576]

I killed a hag once, a crooning thing
Who lulled me to her, in my pain
Promising love unconditional, eternal, entire.
She was a liar.

I killed a thief once, a man
Who stole my faith from me, leaving behind
Smashed glass steeped in blood.

And somewhere along, I killed a girl, too
A dark-eyed, laughing little fool
Who thought life was good, people were sweet, and
Families were forever –

I killed her, Father. I killed myself.

[Jack of Hearts]

It seems to be 'nearly there,' if that makes sense. There are evidently clues, but they are far too blantant in presenting themselves and too open to interpretation.

If you take this to edit and make it more subtle and precise, it'd be the polish on an intriguing work.






J

[Hawkman]

This feels a little unresolved as an extended metaphore. The individual victims (I loved the idea of a crooning hag by the way) are identified, judged and dispatched in short order leaving the poem nowhere to go. It both says too little and too much at the same time, which is quite an achievement. I think perhaps that the opening sentence could be shunted down to the last strophe, which should be worked up into a more satisfying conclusion. An interesting read though.

Live and be well - H

[cl154576]

Jack of Hearts, thank you for the feedback. I agree that it definitely needs polishing and the conclusion isn't good; I'm slightly confused by your comment though – were you referring to any specific section, or the whole poem?

Hawkman, thanks for the suggestion about the opening sentence. Maybe I'll leave it out entirely ... Did you mean I should have elaborated more on the victims? Originally I did and described them as offending the narrator more indirectly, until the end; I also described the narrator as vulnerable and in pain rather than as an innocent child. I then cut out all of the detail in favor of concision. Do you think it would have been more convincing that way?

I didn't really mean the poem as a metaphor, more as a personal meditation (though I'm not a murderer ...) I wanted to be straightforward only I found there were some things I didn't feel ready to write about.

[Hawkman]

If we take the hag stanza as a start, the first thing which niggles is that you say killed twice. I would be inclined to cut the latter part of the last line and leave it at : "she was a liar." When you say, "I Killed..." at the beginning of each verse, I'm not sure that the repetition at the end of the stanza adds much. The problem I have with the third verse is that there is no reason given for the killing when there is in the two previous ones. The last line just feels like an unfinished thought. I feel it could be developed more.

This definately has something and with a little polishing will work very well, I think.

Live and be well - H

[cl154576]

Oh. I understand what you mean now ... I will definitely revise it.

Maybe it wasn't clear but I meant for the girl to be the narrator; to show that in the process she lost her own innocence and part of herself.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I would get rid of that solitary first sentence entirely. I think you mean us to understand that the victims she cites were her parents.

[cl154576]

I removed the first line and the repetitions. I'm not sure how it sounds now ...

Thanks for all the feedback. Just as an example of what I had before when there was more detail,


I killed a hag once, a shrieking siren
Whose lips bore down with swollen fat. She had
A sweet voice, and she would seduce her feed,
Crooning to it, drooling empty promises
Of love wholehearted, immutable, eternal;
Before stabbing the hearts through sharp and hard.

She deceived thus once a soul I knew – but a little
One, so sweetly unsuspecting; and so
I angered at her, and killed her.

I didn't much like the wordiness.

[Delta40]

i like post #8

[Hawkman]

It's certainly tidier now. But I think I'd lose "Justice". It sounds like the narrator is referring to herself as justice, which doesn't necessarily ring true in the face of the following statement, "I killed myself". To me it just muddies the waters and confuses the final line. Much cleaner and punchier without, but that's just my opinion.

Live and be well - H

[cl154576]

I changed it to "Father" (for a priest) ... Does that still confuse? For some reason I'm reluctant to drop it altogether. I want it to be more of a confession ... Thank you though. I hadn't realized that.

[Hawkman]

Yes, I see what you're saying. I'd go with that. :)

[Buh4Bee]

Always interesting to see the editing process in real time. I think the second one is more focused, since the killing of the hag is the focal point. You can see that in the first poem, since it is such a strong stanza. A great topic, I always love to read about hags getting what they deserve.