Venus Is Not My Home

[angliholic]

My dear,
I should be happy now,
for I've found a smile that's most like yours
soon after you left me.
And Venus likes my songs as much as you did.

I should be satisfied now,
for she says it again and again~
her door is always open for me.
And the way she attracts me to her
is like a venus flytrap allures a fly.
My lonely night and my desire
are like a moth dancing around a candle fire.

I should wear a smile now,
for I'm more willing to get trapped than to run free,
though I know clearly Venus is not my home.

[Jack of Hearts]

And the way she attracts me to her is like
a venus flytrap does to many a fly.

And how is that?






J

[angliholic]

Thanks, JOH, for the reply.

Did you mean I should write "And the way she attracts me to her is like a venus flytrap captivates many a fly?"

[hillwalker]

I think Jack is asking you to show us in your poem how she attracts you - rather than just reporting the fact...

I wondered how fitting it is to mention a fly - then compare yourself to a moth. 2 metaphors that set up a conflict.

Also the closing line (and title) seemed a little odd since the planet Venus (?) is not mentioned at all in the poem until that point. And again, it's a new metaphor clashing with the image of the venus fly trap.

Keep at it

H

[angliholic]

I think Jack is asking you to show us in your poem how she attracts you - rather than just reporting the fact...

I wondered how fitting it is to mention a fly - then compare yourself to a moth. 2 metaphors that set up a conflict.

Also the closing line (and title) seemed a little odd since the planet Venus (?) is not mentioned at all in the poem until that point. And again, it's a new metaphor clashing with the image of the venus fly trap.

Keep at it

H
Thanks, my mentor, for the advice.
And I've made some changes to this song of mine.

No, neither Venus nor I am a fly. I just described that the way she attracts me to her is like a venus flytrap allures a fly.

I'm not a moth, either. It's my lonely night and my desire are like a moth dancing around a candle fire.