Heathen Bath

[Jack of Hearts]

Slipping from sandals, pulling back cloth,
at the plaza at evening where water sings soft.
Smoothed slender ankles feel currents rush by
and her bare flesh is washed in violent red sky.

The lute player, at window, strings conclusions from waist,
sees Esther in the fountain and opens his case;
snaps at the strings for the heathen who bathes,
then, with his knees, knocks the body for bass.

Voices of water and habanero chords join;
entangled, they burn and make sunset afraid
of the heat rising up, of the flow through her loins,
of her naked round breast, free of rosary, free of dress.

In circles she moves at a ritual pace,
barefeet on wet stone smudge Father's good face.
As strings hit the neck the world will shake
and her hips sin in moonlight, take beautiful shapes.

[hillwalker]

Some interesting imagery - but the rhyme gets in the way at times and meter is awkward and tends to stumble too frequently.

Because of the form and rhyme one is almost forced to read it in a monotonous, chugging rhythm like a train carriage clattering along a set of tracks when really something as evocative and entrancing should flow like scented breath or water.

A work in progress I tend to think rather than the finished article.

H

[Twota]

I really love it. ;O especially the first and the last two stanzas. *.*

[everyadventure]

I recommend changing "at" the plaza to "in" the plaza to avoid the repetition of "at." Also "smoothed" to "smooth," because smoothed implies that something was done TO them to alter the ankles' state to one of smoothness. I'd like "take" better as "taking," and I found the "free of dress" line to be awkward. Okay, those are my wee quibbles, but...

I LOVE THIS POEM. Such a scene! And with the exception of the dress line, I didn't find the rhythm to be awkward, I thought the rhyme emphasized the beat of the music, the pulse of the dancing. This is good, good, good!

[YesNo]

The third stanza seems to stumble with the meter and in the fourth line of that stanza the close rhyme between breast and dress disturb the pattern set up in the previous two stanzas.

I liked the last line with the "hips sin" and "beautiful shapes" combined together.

[hallaig]

Last verse shows what can be achieved when the rhyme completely fits and seems unforced. In the other verses it doesn't work as well, which is a shame because the whole piece evokes a really sensual atmosphere. Love the last two lines.

[firefangled]

This does need some work with the rhythm and rhyme, but I agree, what scene you have painted. Whatever you do don't mess with that. There is something both holy and profane about this. Very intriguing.

[Junglord]

I think this is spot on, the rhyme doesn't get in the way and the meter is promising, maybe a few tweaks to syllable counts here and there but I find it flows pretty smoothly. Good job. Keep writing!

[Delta40]

I agree that the rhyme is a distraction but the imagery is wonderful JoH

[everyadventure]

FF had it right on, "holy and profane." A rather delicious combination!