Despair

[ChicagoReader]

Feelings of despair lie in waiting
in their deep, dark corners,
when they strike, it is at random,
without provocation or reason
they immobilize the body and mind
through evil thoughts,
spurring ideas which never lead to good
but yet feel eerily satisfying.

In a way they purge the body
of all ignorance,
for fleeting moments reality's veil
is pulled back, shown to the viewer
with vicious clarity, these feelings,
oh how they poison and trick the mind!
But such vivid images as to come off as true,
to make believe life has no purpose, no use
other than suffering, the testing of one's will.

[cl154576]

I think the "theme" at the end should be reworded a bit less directly, so that it is better supported by the rest of the poem. Also, there are a few places that need editing, for instance "lay" in the first line (it should be "lie").

I loved the descriptive language and the ideas; thank you for sharing this!

[Jack of Hearts]

This reads like a sermon.





J

[ChicagoReader]

Thanks for the feedback, and J, now that you mentioned that I can really see it and I'm disappointed with how it comes off.

[Jack of Hearts]

But don't quit. If you didn't intend for it to be a sermon, yet you agree with the idea that it reads like one, you probably have an idea how to write something that reads like you want it to.







J

[hillwalker]

A bit preachy and rather too prosey as well.

I liked the expression

...for fleeting moments reality's veil
is pulled back

which proves you have the eye of a poet. You just need to try a little less hard to get the 'message' across and more at exploring the emotion of despair.

There's potential but it needs reworking.

H

[everyadventure]

This would read more powerfully if it ended at "the testing of one's will," because it removes the "this is what you should do and why" aspect and lets the reader decide for themselves how such a thing should be handled. I really liked the phrase "vicious clarity," and found the poem to be relatable overall.

[ChicagoReader]

Thanks again, I will do some work on it and maybe re-post an edited version if I'm satisfied with it. I like the idea of leaving it at "the testing of one's will," idea too.

[Varenne Rodin]

I agree with the last two posts. Up until the last few lines of instruction, I thought it dark and somewhat sinister. Entertaining. Drop those lines and fix the lay/lie error and you'll have something good.

[Delta40]

I agree it has potential and with the suggestions made. I found the line:

But such vivid images as to come off as true,

rather difficult and think it could be written in a more simple manner.