Night Resort

[Twota]

Minutes before the sun sets,
I jump into the turquoise,
I hear the splash twice,
each in a different tone,
I let my relaxed body drown
and hold my breath inside,
but the air kept in my lungs
pushes me upward to float,
so I let it out smoothly,
like a long thread of pearls
it goes up, instead of my body
which descends slowly like the sun.

I watch the pearls explode
on meeting the glassy dark surface,
My eyes close like seashells
and my body mimics a starfish,
the night veils the outside
and the water becomes my element.

[Junglord]

I loved the first stanza, fast paced action which drifts into the slow sinking through water. Then the second stanza didn't seem to meet up to the first, especially the last line, doesn't seem to follow the flow of the rest of the poem. Neither the less a great poem which makes my imagination ignite.

[Twota]

Thanks Junglord, and I feel what you're saying about the second stanza, hmm..I don't know how should I make it fast paced as the first tho, I ll think of sth. :D

[Twota]

Should it be something like:

I watch the pearls explode
on meeting the glassy dark surface,
My eyes close like seashells
and my body mimics a starfish,
the night veils the outside
and the water becomes my resort.

or I am making it worse? :D

[ShadowsCool]

Twoto:

Great Job. I like it.

Shadows

[Junglord]

Should it be something like:

I watch the pearls explode
on meeting the glassy dark surface,
My eyes close like seashells
and my body mimics a starfish,
the night veils the outside
and the water becomes my resort.

or I am making it worse? :D

That sounds a great deal better in my opinion.

[Twota]

Thanks, Shadows :D

Glad you like it. x]

[Twota]

That sounds a great deal better in my opinion.

I 'll edit it now, Thanks Junglord. :D

[everyadventure]

I could feel this one, Twota! My favorite line was "like a thread of pearls" (but please get rid of the "just" before it!) Nicely done.

[hillwalker]

Some great lines here - but also some grit amongst the pearls. Your poem could be so much better if you removed one or two bits -

I run as fast as I can doesn't belong in the poem even if you actually did run before jumping into the pool - we don't need to be told everything

my legs softly touch the porcelain
followed by my hips and the rest.

for some reason put me in mind of you swimming inside the bowl of a toilet - you seriously need to come up with a better image in the first line, and the line that follows is just so weak. ...and the rest??? What were you thinking?

and the water becomes my resort - is again a weak line. The water becomes your 'element' not your 'resort'. It just spoils the effect.

ea is spot on about the need to remove the word 'just' - it's a redundant word (says nothing - cluttering up what is basically a fine poem).

One of your best

H

[Twota]

I could feel this one, Twota! My favorite line was "like a thread of pearls" (but please get rid of the "just" before it!) Nicely done.

Thanks EA ;D glad you like it and you're right, I 'll remove ''Just'' now. :D

[Twota]

my legs softly touch the porcelain
followed by my hips and the rest.

for some reason put me in mind of you swimming inside the bowl of a toilet - you seriously need to come up with a better image in the first line, and the line that follows is just so weak. ...and the rest??? What were you thinking?


LOL @ ''swimming inside the bowl of a toilet'' xD I 'll make sure to find another image! :D

and ''and the rest'' I mean the rest of my body.

I 'll edit it now. :D
Thanks hill. ;D

[everyadventure]

Count on hill to envision you swimming in a toilet. Wa ha ha ha ha!

This is going to be a fine poem indeed!

[Twota]

LOL! Sure, May be I should write about that. :D

[Delta40]

Followed by my hips and the rest sticks out (when it shouldn't since you're supposed to be submerged) otherwise great job Twota!

[Twota]

Yay! thanks Delta. :D

and

''my legs softly touch the solid
followed by my hips and the rest.''

I was submerged in the water but I was going deeper until my legs touched the bottom and then my hips followed and then the rest of my body, and finally I was lying on my back under water. :)

[Delta40]

yes. I get it but it still doesn't read poetic IMHO

[Twota]

hmmm, what if I say:

''my legs softly touch the solid
and I lie on my back under water.''

better? hmm

[Delta40]

Hmmmm - no! lol. I'm on a poetic dry spell so I don't even have a suggestion for you. You could just remove the line.

[Twota]

Done, I removed the last two lines from the 1st stanza, I guess I should have since hill saw me 'swimming inside the bowl of a toilet'. haha :D

[everyadventure]

Twota, I now dub this poem "superb."

[Twota]

YAY! ;D My 1st ''Superb'', thanks EA. :D