A Moment

[white camellia]

Thunders came robed,
Winds' thread unravelled.
Rain, negating all façade,
stopped at birds' unwitting chirrup.

We are together
as thunders came robed,
winds' thread unravelled,
and rain, negating all façade,
stopped to birds' unwitting chirrup.

Across my window bent a stem.
Further one leaf nods slenderly,
sliding, a petite sphere.

[Jack of Hearts]

Didn't necessarily 'get' the repetition but that was a very fine last stanza.






J

[white camellia]

Ok. Thanks, Jack of Hearts.

[hillwalker]

Extremely enigmatic - like a sketch of a scene rather than a fully fleshed-out painting.

Despite one or two faltering phrases it works very effectively. I love the last line alluding to a single raindrop (?).

H

[white camellia]

Exactly, a raindrop. Thanks, hillwalker. I'm here for improvement of writing in this language. So just point out any mistakes if possible.

[hillwalker]

I would hesitate to call them mistakes - but

Thunders is not grammatically correct since thunder cannot be pluralised - possibly thunderclaps? or stick with thunder

and you don't specify what it was that stopped at the bird's chirrup which detracts slightly from the beautiful vision of the moment

Love this one for all its faults though. :-)

H

[white camellia]

Well, the rain stopped...:eek:

Thanks, hillwalker.

[ucello]

I like the petite sphere a lot. Your poem needs some correcting, but it's a pleasure to read nevertheless!

[white camellia]

Thanks, ucello.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I like how the first verse is transposed in the 2nd - and love the last verse.