Widower Reprisal

[Junglord]

Sweat did percolate from my dirt ridden pours,
As the sun drew up from the east,
The sweltering heat roared down from the sky,
As the mist was drawn up and the dew deceased,

My sun beaten face glared onwards assured,
That near by did lurk the bacillus beast,
With his infectious snarl,
His grotesque beak,
The very rotten stench which killed my sweet,

Shadows grew shorter as the tension thickened,
My sword at hand to confirm no defeat,
I heard a rumberlous screeching roar,
And that very point is when I saw,

The oversised anthropoid figure,
Stood bellowing a boisterous bark,
With gleaming teeth,
And mystic locks,
His eyes growled emerald green,


I stood arms at the ready,
Shaking with fear,
Grasping hope with a fist,

Crying my lover's,
Beautiful name,
I ran out at the beast,

The wicked brute,
Maimed and shamed,
Slain from history,

Violent scarlet,
Sprayed in the sunlight,
Cherry sparkles rained.

[Jack of Hearts]

Seems a bit too self aware of itself as a poem and in places the word choice seems incredibly awkward or wrong (infectious, and the homophone 'pour' for example).

Despite that, there seems to be a fundamental affinity for poetry buried in there. This reader's opinion is that you need to learn to get out of your own way, because you have the natural capacity.






J

[Delta40]

Mmmm. I'm sure this would flow better without rhyme. It is more readable than your previous poem but I feel you are being 'shaped' by rhyme words at the end and this dictates what you are writing. I like the mythological feel to it and the sprinkling of love too.

[Junglord]

Seems a bit too self aware of itself as a poem and in places the word choice seems incredibly awkward or wrong (infectious, and the homophone 'pour' for example).

Despite that, there seems to be a fundamental affinity for poetry buried in there. This reader's opinion is that you need to learn to get out of your own way, because you have the natural capacity.


I don't mean to be ignorant, but I would like to understand what you are trying to say...
Not sure what you mean by the poem being too self aware. Also I used the word infectious because of the "Bacillus" which means bacteria. Also I don't understand why a homophone would make it awkward or wrong, please explain.

Also, I don't understand what this means: "you need to learn to get out of your own way".

Would love to hear back from you!



Mmmm. I'm sure this would flow better without rhyme. It is more readable than your previous poem but I feel you are being 'shaped' by rhyme words at the end and this dictates what you are writing. I like the mythological feel to it and the sprinkling of love too.

I understand that rhyme can disctate what I write but I didn't use much rhyme and there is no rhyme at the latter part of the poem, there's only rhyme in a couple stanza's which I didn't really think about as I was jotting. But I can understand if some of the lines seem awkward due to the rhyme.


Thanks for comments guys, appreciate it. Forever helping me to better my writings.

[cl154576]

Some of the word choice was rather awkward to my feel, but maybe you were trying to create a loftier air. I think Jack of Hearts meant that it should have been spelled "pores" instead of "pours."

Just a note of grammar – some of the lines really shouldn't end in commas. I think it would flow more if you took the commas out or put periods in instead.

[Junglord]

Some of the word choice was rather awkward to my feel, but maybe you were trying to create a loftier air. I think Jack of Hearts meant that it should have been spelled "pores" instead of "pours."

Just a note of grammar – some of the lines really shouldn't end in commas. I think it would flow more if you took the commas out or put periods in instead.

Ahh haha, I've never been good with spelling.

Ahh that's bad habbit. I feel it neccessary to place commas at the end of everyline though I don't take them into account when I read back, thanks for pointing this out. Thanks for feedback!

[hillwalker]

The first stanza needs some reshaping to help it flow more evenly and make more sense -

Sweat did percolate from my dirt ridden pours, - is just awkward phraseology and was presumably chosen in order to maintain the meter

The sweltering heat roared down from the sky, - roared down is also a little hard to envisage, roaring suggests sound rather than feeling,

and

As the mist was drawn up and the dew deceased, - has got to be a case of rhyme intruding upon reason. There's no way anyone would come up with such a line by natural means. Dew is not a living thing so it cannot be deceased.

Then we get to the meat of the poem - some kind of battle between good and evil. I like the reasoning behind the piece but feel it would gain from less over-dramatic words and a more emotional slant. One almost feels the narrator has abandoned reality and is taking part in a Dungeons and Dragons type quest on-line.

H

[Junglord]

The first stanza needs some reshaping to help it flow more evenly and make more sense -

Sweat did percolate from my dirt ridden pours, - is just awkward phraseology and was presumably chosen in order to maintain the meter

The sweltering heat roared down from the sky, - roared down is also a little hard to envisage, roaring suggests sound rather than feeling,

and

As the mist was drawn up and the dew deceased, - has got to be a case of rhyme intruding upon reason. There's no way anyone would come up with such a line by natural means. Dew is not a living thing so it cannot be deceased.

Then we get to the meat of the poem - some kind of battle between good and evil. I like the reasoning behind the piece but feel it would gain from less over-dramatic words and a more emotional slant. One almost feels the narrator has abandoned reality and is taking part in a Dungeons and Dragons type quest on-line.

H

I don't quite understand why it is a problem to use phrases like "the dew deceased" ... I didn't use the word 'deceased' for rhyme, it barely rhymes with the other word anyway. I used it for an insight on the death that happens in the latter part of the poem. As with sun roaring down, the use of the word 'roar' is an insight into the monster later described in the poem. I thought these were pretty obvious uses of words.

But I understand if the poem was too fantastical for some, it's less about the emotion and more about the event. I thought the narrator is abandoning reality to cope with his loss. But I understand what you're saying and it does seem too twee and fantastical.

[hillwalker]

'Deceased' is just the wrong word in my opinion; grammatically and logically.

The word is rarely used as an alternative for 'died' other than in the context of describing the status of someone who has just passed away...
so you might say 'my recently deceased cat was called Toodles' but most writers would substitute 'died' as in the line 'my cat has recently died' rather than 'my cat has recently deceased'...

and the dew couldn't become deceased because it was never a living thing in the first place.

I presume you meant the dew evaporated.


H

[Junglord]

'Deceased' is just the wrong word in my opinion; grammatically and logically.

The word is rarely used as an alternative for 'died' other than in the context of describing the status of someone who has just passed away...
so you might say 'my recently deceased cat was called Toodles' but most writers would substitute 'died' as in the line 'my cat has recently died' rather than 'my cat has recently deceased'...

and the dew couldn't become deceased because it was never a living thing in the first place.

I presume you meant the dew evaporated.


H

What I meant was the dew evaporated but why can I not personify the dew? Personification is perfect for poetry.

[Jack of Hearts]

Well how do you feel about alliteration?






J

[Junglord]

Well how do you feel about alliteration

It works in some places for some poems, others it doesn't. Depends how you use it.

[hillwalker]

What I meant was the dew evaporated but why can I not personify the dew? Personification is perfect for poetry.

But the verb 'deceased' is still such a clumsy way of saying 'died'... but far be it from me to suggest you change it. After all, it's your poem and you are quite right to stick to your guns.

H

[Delta40]

I enjoy watching Lit-Nutters grow in poetry

[Junglord]

I enjoy watching Lit-Nutters grow in poetry

What do you mean?

[tailor STATELY]

: Originally Posted by Delta40
I enjoy watching Lit-Nutters grow in poetry

What do you mean?

Delta's quote is not derogatory.

Many of us have struggled with the same issues that have been brought up in your poem's critique.

Each new poet, or crop of poets, goes through the same gauntlet of more experienced poets here at litnet - who do their best to mentor.

This learning experience by critique can sometimes be taken as an affront, but it's not.

The worst that can happen is that no one comments at all on any given poem; how can one learn from no comments?

One matures in writing poetry over time and assimilation hence the fond "I enjoy watching Lit-Nutters grow in poetry" by one who has seen this process many times.

Lit-Nutters is an affectionate term for those who belong to Litnet.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[Varenne Rodin]

I like the rhyme. I like abandoning reality. I like the fantastical. Since when does a poem have to be firmly entrenched in realism? Very firm grasp of language, I thought. It was fun for me.

[Junglord]

Thanks all for comments. I wasn't disregarding hillwalker's comment. I was trying to find out the reason why he found a problem with some of the phrases I used and he made his point. I'm seeking understanding, I'm not ignoring his claim, I just felt that he was attacking the use of personification as if that was the root of the problem which it wasn't.