Golden

[everyadventure]

My father and I walk the beach
at the amber hour.
Light ignites the surface
with the rich shine of stained glass.

And there, a gentle rippling,
a quiet rising… oh, it's only fancy!
I shouldn't speak into this holy hush
but the words are imminent as breath.
A whisper slips through my lips:
"It's a mermaid!"

I glance at him,
expecting a snicker, a sigh.
Such a teenager,
or worse, a child…

He's molten light,
turned to gold by some mysterious alchemy,
face gleaming and serene.
His silence shames me.

I turn back to the water
(no mermaid, of course not)
and watch the ocean swallow sun.

He reaches out, takes my hand in his.
"I saw her too," he says,
and I am filled with
brilliant light.


Thanks to Hillwalker for letting me borrow his beach, and for his fatherly guidance that inspired this poem :)

[hillwalker]

You seem to have struck a particularly rich vein recently ea - another extremely evocative piece about sharing a moment and a place with someone special.

Loved it - especially 'words... as imminent as breath'

H

[Varenne Rodin]

That is very beautiful. I am never expecting to like a poem. That just carried me along. Thank you.

[Hawkman]

Not sure about "mystery of alchemy" I think I'd be inclined towards "mysterious alchemy".

I think you could also lose the last two lines. Just seems to over extend the moment. Nice poem though.

Live and be well, H

[everyadventure]

@hill: Keep sending me photos, people! Take me away from here...
@hawk: good call on the mysterious, I changed it, thanks. I'm also suspecting you might be right about the ending.

Okay, guys, MAJORITY WINS: keep or lose the last two lines?

[Twota]

I love it!

I say you keep the last two lines. ;o

[Delta40]

I think sharing a moment with someone is your forte EA. You really do a great job at capturing its essence.

[everyadventure]

One vote for keep, one vote for lose. You guys aren't being very helpful ;)

[Junglord]

Drop. "And I am filled with brillian light" is a great way to end, the next two lines almost cheapen that feeling. Lovely poem, though I found the line "expecting a snicker or a sigh." a bit awkward. I thought if it was just "expecting snicker or sigh" would seem neater. Good stuff, Keep writing!

[MystyrMystyry]

Drop, because it's not really necessary. Keep, because it's what you wrote

:)

[YesNo]

I enjoyed the poem's description of tenderness between two people.

[everyadventure]

Okay, came back to this sucker, and it was a definite, caps lock DROP. Got rid of the "or," Junglord, we'll see how that sits.

And for the record, MM, not everything I write is worth keeping!!

Thanks all for your input :)

[ChicagoReader]

I agree that cutting the last two lines would make the poem stronger. Otherwise I loved the poem, it had beautiful imagery and a touching theme. Well done.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Am I too late to vote? The last two lines in the version before me now are


"and I am filled with
brilliant light."

And I believe it works with or without them but I prefer keeping them. The open-heartedness of the poem up to that point fully justifies your wish to express your appreciation of him as overtly as you could.

What a beautiful poem!

[everyadventure]

Sorry, Prince, you were too late to vote. The original two lines were drivel about being "touched by sun." :sick: Thanks for your thoughts, though!

[hallaig]

Like it, it's lovely, but you could lose some and still retain the magic and effect, maybe increase it. I'd trim 4th bit to something like

He's molten light,
turned to gold by some mysterious alchemy,
face gleaming and serene.
His silence shames me.

Choose either:
amber/gloaming
magic or miracle

I'd get rid of the two lines in the second last bit

'radiance.....through me'

Love your stuff. Always has something to say and always expressed in such a rich and textured way.

[firefangled]

EA this is a beautiful moment you capture. I think you can trim it some. For example the second line is not necessary and delets the next two lines. Sunset is obvious.

This is exquisite:


He's bronzed in molten light,
turned to gold by some mysterious alchemy,
a statue set in sand, face gleaming and serene.
His silence shames me.

[everyadventure]

@hallaig, you have an extraordinary talent for editing!
@FF, snip snip snip! I've cut it down some and it's much better for it.

Thanks for your help, all. I'm much happier with this version. Now I can finally let this thread RIP ;)