Untitled

[zhannochka]

I often don't title my poems...


You performed alone on a vacant stage,
Never ceasing the only song you knew,
Harmonizing your sombre theme,

Abandoned seats stared as you sung,
Your ode mourned for the unknown,
A rhythmical tune of your desire,

Outside a drone just wandering from the hive,
Peered in through the cracks in the wall,
Intruding quietly into the theatre,

Her eyes resting on your soulful piece,
She saw a beauty never found,
The undisturbed numero uno,

She recognised the number you whispered,
And sung along quietly behind her walls,
Safety was with her here,

The dark hive beckoned her return,
Away she flew away to all that she had known,
Back to what her life was,

Recalling her own melanoid words,
She found them synonymous to yours,
Identical and deeply worn,

Often in her dreams she returned to you,
Longing to hear the song from your soul,
Those whispers from the stage,

The days and nights shivered past her fingers,
She visited places far from her home,
Her wings had begun to age,

But on the day she returned,
And her eyes rested on the vocal art,
All beauty that was still there,

She found your wings had ripened into the heavens,
And taken you to your castle,
A place of your own,

In a shattered enclosure she remained,
Continuing the song she learnt from you,
The words she acquainted with,

Although abruptly she watched you vanish from there,
To infect your solitary future,
With the feeble of your past,

She accepted your song,
And the happiness you found,
That is in your heaven alone.

[Jack of Hearts]

No idea what to make of this. The vacant theatre is interesting imagery. There may be some sort of form or near-form at play. At any rate, let's save it from oblivion.







J

[Hawkman]

You need to watch your tenses and keep them consistant. Sung/sang in context could be tricky but in this case sang would be better. Drones are male, so the gender of the insect or the pronoun needs adjusting. There are lots of tiny gramatical errors which spoil the flow, eg feebleness of, or feeble past, not "...the feeble of your past." However, as a poem it has merit in my opinion but it needs a little trimming here and there; "numero uno" could go as it's just out of kilter with the tone of the poem.

Keep working on it, it's got legs and will run if you let it.

Live and be well - H