The Lovers

[Hawkman]

She was the same, yet different; the touch
he craved denied, the lips which fed desire,
withheld. That fire found at their first meeting
burned as fiercely in the heart of one, yet
now, only ashes lined the other’s hearth.
How did it die, the passion that he’d found
within her arms, the tenderness reduced
to icy calm. Chilled conflicts of intent
left only an exclusive sense of loss
unwelcome in the company of friends.
While Lovers, carved in wormy wood, taunt him
with their memory of a night’s embrace,
disconsolate, he walks the morning streets
to buy a loaf of bread, alone and cold.

[Delta40]

well executed. Maybe their shopping bill was too high?

[Twota]

Sad, and the love bill was too high. :/

[PrinceMyshkin]

Brilliantly executed, my friend! The rage - withheld, tamed, moderated - shines brightly through like the one burning ember covered by nearly cold ash. The final, throwaway lines, are a masterpiece.

[paperleaves]

Wow, this is absolutely lovely. Bravo, Hawkman, bravo :)


love
paper

[everyadventure]

The ending was a little self-pitying for me. But I liked-- no, loved-- the "icy calm."

[Hawkman]

Delta: LOL, you could be right there. Thanks for considering it well executed. If one has to die then better cleanly than after a few hacks of the axe - :D

Twota: yep, it usually is - lol.

Prince: Thankee sir, praise indeed :) Glad you liked it.

paper: Thank you too. Your appreciation is appreciated.

ea: Well I'm glad you liked the icy calm but self pitying? How so?

The poem is written in 3rd person narrative. Am I to take it that you are confusing author and subject? (which in itself, is a bit of a leap and a hell of an assumption.) The expression, "self-pitying" is one which, to me at least, appears a little glib and dismissive. Here we have a character coming to terms with a failed relationship. What do you expect him to do, celebrate? (I grant you sometimes this might be appropriate, but it's rarely seen as such at the time. The realization of good fortune usually comes with hindsight.)

I don't think it's unreasonable that the subject should be feeling down in the dumps as he goes through the motions of carrying on with his life. It's early morning, and even in summer, early mornings can be cold. And now he is alone. how else should I have put it, given the requirements of the form of a modern sonnet? I'd rather you had felt a little more empathy for the poor bloke! lol

Your attitude towards the poem can't be a gender thing because paper could relate to it (unless you think she was just being nice ;) ) So why so dismissive?

In the words of 'The Inquisitor' from Red Dwarf, "Justify yourself!" lol. I expect 2000 words delivered no later than Sunday 23:59Z (GMT to you) So get typing, twinkle-toes - and don't spare the caffine!

Live and be well - H

[everyadventure]

Yes sir, Hawkman, sir. Self-pitying was not the best word choice. Overly pathetic, perhaps? Melodramatic?:svengo: I can picture this being recited aloud, with the speaker's hand thrown woefully against his brow: "To buy... a loaf of bread... alone! and cold. Thank you." It smacked of The Little Match Girl to me.:nopity:

I liked the poem, Hawk, it's just the last line that didn't float my boat. And I thought it odd because I've never found your poetry to be overly sentimental...

[Hawkman]

Yes sir, Hawkman, sir. Self-pitying was not the best word choice. Overly pathetic, perhaps? Melodramatic?:svengo: I can picture this being recited aloud, with the speaker's hand thrown woefully against his brow: "To buy... a loaf of bread... alone! and cold. Thank you." It smacked of The Little Match Girl to me.:nopity:

Well I can't do much about your predilection for grand guignol - lol I didn't (and don't) feel the need to embelish the words with so theatrical a delivery :confused:

Pathetic would be sitting weeping in his room. As already mentioned, he's going about his daily business, and aparently he still has an appetite :)

Melodramatic would be standing in front of a mirror with a cut-throat razor or playing Russian Roulette.



I liked the poem, Hawk, it's just the last line that didn't float my boat. And I thought it odd because I've never found your poetry to be overly sentimental...

Well, I'm glad you liked it, (up until the last line or two anyway) but to me, sentimental is flowers and butterflies, sugar and spice, yada, yada...

1,919 words to go - lol.

LLAP - H

[everyadventure]

Ha, I think I've said enough. It's probably time for EA to be quiet now... :)

[Hawkman]

Well it was fun while it lasted, Babe, sob... :D Until next time :cheers2:

[firefangled]

Well done! I enjoyed the restraint in this and where there was enough to sense his sadness and loss, it wasn't too sad and not at all self-pitying IMO.

[cl154576]

I loved the poem ... The last lines make a touching image but I think the "alone and cold" could be shown better, for instance in describing his "walk."

The emotion is very powerful.

[Hawkman]

ff: thanks for rescuing this from oblivion and for your appreciation of it. :)

cl: Thanks, but how to describe a walk in 4 syllables? alone and cold is about all you can squeeze in there!

Live and be well - H

[Varenne Rodin]

This poem is a treasure. I would change nothing. The wanting of love, and the loss or lack of it, can be so tragic. That hollow feeling. Well captured. I envy your talent.

[Hawkman]

There's not much I can say to that except, thank you :)

Did you pick up on the reference to "The lovers" (I think that's the title) a carved wooden panel in the D' Orsay? It's in the decorative arts section. A man and a woman locked in a passionate embrace for eternity. If you look closely it's full of woodworm. Passion carrying the seed of its own decay but frozen in stasis. A powerful and disturbing image which haunts the halls of metaphor.

Live and be well - H

[Varenne Rodin]

I had heard of "The lovers" but I did not know all of that. I adore art inspired by art. Thank you.

[cl154576]

cl: Thanks, but how to describe a walk in 4 syllables? alone and cold is about all you can squeeze in there!

Some modification of drag, limp, weary, maybe? The poem is still beautiful. It was just a passing suggestion.

[Hawkman]

No worries :)