I fell in love in a dream

[ChicagoReader]

I fell in a love in a dream,
all I wanted to do was confess that love
over and over, to be by her side
was enough to keep me alive,
her touch brought me warmth,
it made the world seem bright.

I got lost in her smile,
the look in her eyes
gave me courage to be myself.
I fell in love in a dream
but more importantly, I was loved,
I could have sustained just off the feeling.

But then I woke up,
I stared at the ceiling with
real pain in my heart.
It felt so real, so right,
I struggled to fall back into the dream
but it was gone, never to be reality
and I became lost without my savior to guide me.

[hillwalker]

Love poems are notoriously difficult - especially when steeped in personal experiences.
Most are pretty awful to read for the disinterested by-stander.

Parts of this are good, to be fair :

v. 2 lines 1 to 4 is the best bit of the poem and would make a much better start to the piece in my opinion
- and if you could maintain the image of how her love made you a better person without spelling it out quite so cheesily you would be onto a winner.

But v.1 lines 2 to 3 and v. 3 line 4 could have been cut and pasted from one of a thousand feeble pop songs.

There's good, and there's bad - but fortunately no ugly...

H

[Junglord]

I think there is some pretty lines but I don't know if you captured the feeling as well as you probably could. I've had a similar dream which made me feel wierd like the feelings you're trying to express but I thought that you've almost played down the feelings. Nice on the eyes though, flows good.

[Jack of Hearts]

Yech at the subject matter which is somewhat redeemed by your natural ability. If you think there are truer ways to express these sentiments, this reader believes you would have the gift for abundantly finding them. But that may not be the case in your opinion.






J

[paperleaves]

I love this, ChicagoReader! Perhaps it is the fact that I am in love with love poems, but I didn't find this anywhere near what hillwalker describes as "one of a thousand feeble pop songs". I enjoyed reading, please keep posting!

in loving kindness,
paper

[Delta40]

Love poems are not my bag and I agree they are rather difficult to write so I will pat you on the back for effort alone.

[ChicagoReader]

Thanks everyone, it's refreshing to get honest constructive criticism for a change. Will try posting more material when it comes.

[Delta40]

Good.