La Muerte Espera

[TheodoreK.16]

Sit in your house,
take another sip,
inhale another drag,
keep on wasting your life w/ these addictions.

Why don't you slip a noose around your neck,
then kick the chair out from beneath you decaying feet?
Or implant a bullet in your damaged brain, it'll be quicker.

As you waste your life,
out in the cold and the rain,
peering through the window,
Death awaits.
La muerte espera.

[Delta40]

This needs tightening up. I like the venomous theme of I don't care/yes actually I do but it feels a little bumpy in places.

inhale another drag, (this doesn't flow very well)
keep on wasting your life w/ these addictions. (what is it w/ the w/?)

[Hawkman]

"As you waste your life,
out in the cold and the rain,
peering through the window,
Death awaits.
La muerte espera."

This reads as if the you is wasting their life out in the cold and the rain, peering through the window, while death waits. Is that what you meant? It reads this way because you establish the subject of 'wasting a life' in line one, so the subordinate clauses act as modifiers for the primary subject. I suspect though that you meant that death waits outside in the cold and the rain. If so, it would seem fairly sensible to want to stay indoors.

This is why, as Delta says, it could do with tightening up. I don't know why/what w/ is supposed to be either. It adds nothing to your writing and irritates the reader.

Live and be well - H

[Jack of Hearts]

This reader sees you working, Theo. Keep going.







J

[Twota]

hmmm, in the first stanza, I don't think ''w/ these addictions. '' is needed.

the second stanza is little too wordy, I guess.

I like the third stanza, I guess you meant that death is waiting for you out in the rain until your time comes, I like it but the preceding stanza weakens the effect.

Tidy it a bit and it will be great. :)

[everyadventure]

Good theme, my friend, and I'm a fan of the ending. However, there's a bit of mild confusion because first the subject is sitting in his house, and then he is out in the rain. I suppose he could have gotten up and MOVED out to the rain, but it reads as though the NARRATOR is out in the rain.

[TheodoreK.16]

EA - I see where this confusion can be seen, but it is Death that is out in the cold rain peering in, like everyone said I still have to tighten it up.



Theodore

[hillwalker]

The message is clear enough - but I think in verse 2 you are beating us on the head with a stick. It's all too much and actually weakens the poem's impact.

And the perspective will remain muddled in v.3 unless you somehow remove that opening line (I'm also unsure why Death has to 'out in the cold and rain' - surely he's sitting at the same table sharing a glass and a smoke).

H

[everyadventure]

Ah, Theo, I see. Jack, that comment was downright creepy. I seeeee you.....:yikes: