But There Is No Spring for Me

[angliholic]

My dear,
I have been walking along this winding mountain trail
covered with fallen leaves and small pebbles
for too long that I forget how far I've travelled and where I am now.
And I can't even recall why I took this journey in the first place.

The cicadas' love songs are as fervent as the blazing sun.
But there is no spring for me.

Maybe if I keep on trudging up,
I'll come across a peach village, circled by a cool brook,
where I can find a cozy room to spend the night
before the sky is painted all raven black.

[hillwalker]

You had me under your spell until the closing line - what does it mean? and is it necessary or would the poem be better off without it?

H

[angliholic]

You had me under your spell until the closing line - what does it mean? and is it necessary or would the poem be better off without it?

H

It means "before the night paints the sky black and blue." I think it's a must to create the whole vibe of this song I intended.
I'd like to hear your opinion again, my mentor.

[hillwalker]

I understand how it ties up the poem neatly -

but 'it' in that closing line could refer to the room or the night - and 'all black and blue' is a little clumsy.

Perhaps a slight rewording would be in order

H

[angliholic]

I understand how it ties up the poem neatly -

but 'it' in that closing line could refer to the room or the night - and 'all black and blue' is a little clumsy.

Perhaps a slight rewording would be in order

H

Thanks, my mentor, for the advice. How about this:

before the sky is painted raven black.


There is no always happy ending in real life.

[hillwalker]

True - and it reads better now

H

[angliholic]

True - and it reads better now

H

Thanks, my mentor, for your advice.

All the best to you.

Btw, I'm still deeply attached to your profile photo--forever young.

[Delta40]

I love the submergence of romance in your poems Ang. This one particularly goes beyond flowers and captures the beauty of nature and ties in perfectly with your lonesome journey

[angliholic]

I love the submergence of romance in your poems Ang. This one particularly goes beyond flowers and captures the beauty of nature and ties in perfectly with your lonesome journey

Thanks, Delta, for the most inspirational comment.

And I feel very sorry for not being able to comment the poems of yours and other great poets' for your great poems are way over my head.

[angliholic]

Hi, Hillwalker, my mentor,
If I put "all" in the line in question, will it sound better? Thanks.

... before the sky is painted all raven black.
... before the sky is all painted raven black.

Besides, I've deleted the honey bees part, for I think it's redundent. Any comment on this?

[hillwalker]

I'm beginning to feel more like your tormentor - NO - don't put in the word 'all' as it adds nothing to the poem and disrupts the rhythm.

H :-)

[angliholic]

I'm beginning to feel more like your tormentor - NO - don't put in the word 'all' as it adds nothing to the poem and disrupts the rhythm.

H :-)

Thanks, Hillwalker, for the advice.

The best mentor is often the one who torments their students most ...