Course and Desire

[zhannochka]

Thanks to those who gave me feedback on my recently posted Poem (Close to Open). I thought I would get some feedback on another if you don't all mind. It is very much appreciated.

Course and Desire

The words source my own little moon,
turning light to lean on the waves,

Of titanic water which end themselves,
dancing on the moonlit caves,

There the lady sun drives by with winds,
riding my love and singing between,

Some heavenly whales prancing forth,
their mighty power still showing,

That the enchanted is better on display,
even when scarce the found delight is,

So softly and silky, flying praise,
into the course and desire of its noble poets.

[hillwalker]

Umm - I don't quite know what to make of this.

It sounds like it's supposed just two separate sentence (regardless of the way it's been split by unnecessary commas into couplets) but grammatically it still makes no sense at all :


The words source my own little moon,
turning light to lean on the waves
of titanic water which end themselves
dancing on the moonlit caves.

There the lady sun drives by with winds,
riding my love and singing between
some heavenly whales prancing [honestly??] forth,
their mighty power still showing
that the enchanted is better on display,
even when scarce the found delight is,
so softly and silky, flying praise,
into the course and desire of its noble poets.

The underlined bits just defy comprehension and make me wonder if you actually understood any of them or whether your muddled imagination (on this evidence) ran away with itself.

H

[everyadventure]

This is one of the poems that you really WANT to get because you're certain something's there... but no matter how many times you read it, it never solidifies.

Here's the thing: you pen some interesting phrases ("light to lean on the waves," "titanic water," "flying praise," "course and desire") but then you use them in sentences that simply don't make sense. Frankly, I'm baffled.

Are you up for a challenge? Do us a favor and write this poem as prose. A regular paragraph. You can do it right here in the comments section. Show us what you intended to convey, and then maybe we can help you improve this.

I suspect you can, indeed, write poetry... but you need some practice.

[Jack of Hearts]

It is impenetrable but contains some curiously skillful craftsmanship.







J

[zhannochka]

Thanks for the replies :D It's really much appreciated. I do read this myself and wonder what I was talking about.. I wrote it a few years ago now. Might let this one sit for a while and come back to it, consider it unfinished!