Depressive analysis on a bus.

[Junglord]

Depressive analysis on a bus.

I've realised the anxiety we face,
As a complete and utter disgrace,
To our for-fathers of this human race,
Our self respect lost and our head out of place,
Don't ever contemplate our successors defeat,
Once we are under the earth of six feet,
It pains me to see how f***ed we are,
And how we don't realise we've came this far,
I would like for all eyes to see,
The on going pathetic irony,
Of all the things we used to be,
And the use of the normal household key,
This goes out to all who do more than just drink,
Is it never enough to just stop and think?

[YesNo]

There are people here who will likely complain about the rhyme, but the only thing I would say about it is I prefer one rhyme sound per two lines, but four is OK as well.

The real technical problem is the meter. To me it seemed too irregular. The meter is the number of beats per line and how they pattern with the unaccented syllables between the lines. You might try making the meter a simple "iambic" pattern: one unaccented syllable and then one accented syllable and have 4 or 5 accented syllables per line until you understand this. This should help the sound, but the sound is not the most important part of the poem.

The main problem is with the meaning. I know the poem is about "depression", but I think far too many poets write about this thinking they are saying something deep. There is nothing deep about depression. Try to find something uplifting. Remember there is a reader of your words just as you are a reader of this comment. Treat the reader to something nice. You don't have many opportunities to impress any particular reader. Don't waste any of those opportunities.

Welcome to the board, and if you don't like my comments feel free to dismiss them. I'm no expert on any of this.

[Varenne Rodin]

I loved it. I don't tend to proofread for errors in personal poetry here. It could be a little more polished. Having said that, I adore rhyme. I feel like rhyme coupled with wit is an endangered talent. I really felt the emotion of this poem. It felt passionate and earnest. This is the first poem I've read here in a while that struck a sympathetic chord in me. Going by your picture, you look so young to be so wise. So young to be so near misanthropy. I hope you'll post many more poems here. You have tremendous potential.

[Varenne Rodin]

...and this came to you on a bus? How marvelously organic. I have a fear of bus rides.

[Delta40]

I think the rhyme stands in the way of a great expression of desolate despair. It also sparks the question How did we used to be that was so good?

[inbetween]

agree to that polish thing... but it has an depressing effect on me..
and I think it quite usual that such things come to you in the bus or on your way somewhere when you're on your bike or in the train or in your car... I mean .. travelling like this you don't actually have to think and your thoughts wander.. and that's the result.. happens to me so many times
painful thing (like the topic of this poem though or perhaps just because of that.. dunno)

[hillwalker]

Remind me not to ride the buses in Manchester next time I'm down there.

It's an angsty piece - and so comes across as a little preachy. And I have to agree the rhyme ended up dictating what you wanted to say, which is never a good idea.

Line 6 in particular shows how rhyme can force you to twist lines out of shape quite alarmingly.

H

[Junglord]

Great responses. Thanks for all comments and criticisms. This was a poem I wrote a year ago when I was in a bad place at the time. I'm sorry if it seemed dull and desolate but I assure you I'm not the depressive type. I agree it could be polished a lot and the rhyme probably does limit the peice but I still felt it got across what was on my drugged fueled mind back then.

I'll hope to write some better articulated and more uplifting peices shortly.

Thanks,
Junglord.