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[zhannochka]

Hello :wave:

I am new to this forum and wanted to get some feedback on my most recent poem. I've been writing for many years, but I would like to start to do more with it. Self publish perhaps or enter some competitions.

Thanks in advance :)

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Stop my heart for a breath,
Concealed eyes and bound hands,
These lifeless shapes around,
Cast solitary shadows on my land,

And here I was aware,
All that time and all the while,
I shifted through my sadness to,
Present for him a pleasant smile,

A heart in idle — in motionless calm,
I relinquished to unguided desire,
For oh! No longer the buoyant thing,
I was once prior,

So came the thump of your earnest sound,
I could not extinguish at my door,
Suspending all that may be,
My past I chose to ignore,

Your sharp melody trickles,
Passionately through the vacancies,
Now the seasons shall be sweet,
Gentle sighs and tender intimacy,

As sure as the light does shine from above,
On the dawn of each morn,
We share tender innocence and mysterious fears,
And a new chapter is born.

[Delta40]

I'm awful on rhyming. I can't quite decide whether this piece would flow better without it. It doesn't feel so shaped by rhyme so maybe its my own bias that is getting in the way....

[hillwalker]

I tend to share the same doubts - that some of the expressions in the poem owe their existence to the desire to maintain rhyme rather than an attempt to write something meaningful :

Cast solitary shadows on my land, - why 'my land'?

All that time and all the while, - is repetitive - but it rhymes

and

Your sharp melody trickles,
Passionately through the vacancies, - again 'vacancies' is not quite the right word but it rhymes.

Also 'the buoyant thing' is rather a weak phrase.

Some promising imagery that suggests you have a gift for bringing personal experiences or situations to life through words - but perhaps the rhyme got in the way on this occasion.

H

[everyadventure]

These stanzas don't read as one coherent poem. I have no idea what you're getting at. But I loved the line "a heart in idle."

[zhannochka]

Thanks everybody for your feedback!

I actually didn't intend for this piece to rhyme when I started it, so maybe that is why the rhyme doesn't fit too well -- I've tried to force it perhaps.

A bit of background on the poem... I had been in a relationship that I was not happy in for quite some time, but I didn't realise this until I had left it and was able to look back. I wrote this for my new partner not long after meeting him. So the first two paragraphs are reflection of the previous relationship, the 3rd paragraph is about myself, believing that I will never fall in love again. The last 3 paragraphs are about my new partner and my change in emotions.

[YesNo]

A bit of background on the poem... I had been in a relationship that I was not happy in for quite some time, but I didn't realise this until I had left it and was able to look back. I wrote this for my new partner not long after meeting him. So the first two paragraphs are reflection of the previous relationship, the 3rd paragraph is about myself, believing that I will never fall in love again. The last 3 paragraphs are about my new partner and my change in emotions.
I didn't understand the poem until you explained it in the paragraph above.

I don't see anything wrong with the rhymes as such. They are a small part of a poem and create a aural line break. However, the problem with the poem is the clarity. It would improve by making it clearer.

[Junglord]

A good write, though constantly I felt the rhyme was forced. If Rhyme happens to flow on the paper as your write then that's fine but don't then decide that everything must rhyme, if some rhymes appear then it puts emphasis on these parts but it is not neccessary for everything to rhyme. Good work though, keep writing!!