If You Were a White Cloud

[angliholic]

If you were a white cloud,
then I'd rather be a blue mountain,
lying flat on my back, watching you up above my head,
peering at you day and night.

Don't be upset
if you know I'm not good at expressing my feelings.
There's a little brook beside me,
and it's gurgling you a song on my behalf.

If you know what I'm worried about most,
then you'll see
it's you that might get sad one day
and turn yourself into tears.

I'm not afraid to get soaking wet,
but I may have missed you for ages and ages
before I come across your reincarnation again!



Hi, my dear friends,

I revise a song of mine I scribbled last year, and post it here again. I'm eager to read your comment! Thanks.

[Jack of Hearts]

There's a plethora of good imagery in this-

and, in this reader's opinion, also a lot of stuff to whittle away so these gems can really shine.





J

[angliholic]

There's a plethora of good imagery in this-

and, in this reader's opinion, also a lot of stuff to whittle away so these gems can really shine.





J

Thanks, JOH, for the most inspiring comment.
I'm all ears to your suggestions. Care to enlighten me?

[paperleaves]

I love how innocent and deep your poetry is--it's very refreshing! Keep posting,

in loving kindness,
paper

[hillwalker]

A delightful poem - the phrase 'for ages and ages' in the penultimate line would certainly not be missed if you removed it.

H

[angliholic]

I love how innocent and deep your poetry is--it's very refreshing! Keep posting,

in loving kindness,
paper

Thanks, Paperleaves, for the nice comment.
If there is anything that sounds awkward or that throws you off, you have to tell me. This poetry forum is the most excellent in the whole world, and I hope gurues and great poets here may give me advice and comments so that I may improve.



A delightful poem - the phrase 'for ages and ages' in the penultimate line would certainly not be missed if you removed it.

H

Thanks, Hillwalker, my mentor.
I've read my song again without "for ages and ages." I'm sorry I feel I must keep them this times for emphasis. But this doesn't mean I don't need your advice and comments any more. On the contrary, I need them like a baby needs milk.

Regards,


Lewis