At the Beach

[tailor STATELY]

Another minimalist attempt that grew too large:


At the Beach


Tired from laughing ceaselessly
chasing godwits on the beach
We robbed the sands of
fanciful bleached bones
left by fiercer tides
When evening had befallen
the bonfire set ablaze
We snuggled huddled together
as the night danced itself away
Fleeting shadows and
færie flickering flame
In awe we gazed to Heav'n
as embers spirited on high -
became as stars borne anew
in the sickle moon's wintry skye

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[Delta40]

One can feel the night closing in as they read this Tailor.

[hillwalker]

It didn't so much 'grow too large' as grow in stature - it gets better as one follows your footsteps along the sand into dusk.

H

[Hawkman]

You paint a vivid picture, tS.

Live long and prosper - H

[free]

Is it a new wave in poetry just to describe outer actions without any introspection? Must be. You follow the trend choosing proper words for it.

[beautiful_heart]

It is really a beautiful poem. I like the way you give a short but vivid description of the wintry night. :-)

[Bar22do]

Introspection is felt here, I mean I do feel it. I love the night dancing itself away and the sickle guarded sky. Love this poem and its atmosphere. Thanks Stately.

[tailor STATELY]

Thank you all for your kind comments.

@ free: lol, the only new wave I'm privy to comes and goes with the tide.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[everyadventure]

A nice scene. "Snuggled huddled" sounds too common alongside the grandiose language that follows.

@free: poems like this are about setting a mood, capturing emotion... they aren't meant to "preach" or "inform" the reader, but to move the reader to share in the moment.

[tailor STATELY]

@ everyadventure:
"Snuggled huddled" sounds too common I think I see what you mean, though I wrestle with resolve. I feel the need to tinker with order as well.

A rewrite:


At the Beach

Tired from laughing ceaselessly
chasing godwits on the beach
We robbed the sands of
fanciful bleached bones
left by fiercer tides
When evening had befallen
the bonfire set ablaze
in awe we gazed to Heav'n
as embers spirited on high -
became as stars borne anew
in the sickle moon's wintry skye
Enchanted by fleeting shadows
and færie flickering flame
our hearts soon became as one
as the night danced itself away

7/25/2011 r. 7/29/2011

[everyadventure]

A vast improvement, TS. I have no suggestions for your re-write!