That Time

[hallaig]

That Time



Do you remember the English girl you met,
spent a week with, that July in Spain?
She seemed your alter-ego.
Brown as fish, you haunted that place,

young enough still to playact
in the garden with its antique swings
and old blooms tired with heat,
though in the afternoons, fanned

by that sudden wind, you prismed the pool
like nereids. She left a pink fishing pole,
thrown down haphazardly for you
on a brown tiled floor

while outside mountains boiled
and time slowly skewed.
A pink fishing pole, something briefly gained,
something lost for good.

[Hawkman]

hallaig: This poem seems peppered with tiny flaws which I wouldn't have expected from you. The syntax is off in "young enough still to playact" which would read better as "still young enough to playact" and this sentance is overextended. It would end more naturally at heat. I'd make the remainder a seperate sentance, and possibly change though to through. I can't quite see what you mean by, "prismed the pool" either.

Thrown haphazardly down is a split infinitive and reads awkwardly. Better to say, "haphazardly thrown down" or "thrown down haphazardly".

Live and be well - H

[Jack of Hearts]

Simply masterful.







J

[hallaig]

changed the haphazard bit, hawkman, ta for that.

[Delta40]

nice description. makes me think of some resort in Spain with the colours, heat and wa-a-t-er...

[hillwalker]

I've seen water prismed in a pool - so could share the scene and appreciate the private snapshots that accompany it.

H

[Hawkman]

I've seen water prismed in a pool - H

At the risk of being pedantic (hell, why not) I would have to take issue with you here. Dare I say that what you have witnessed is refraction, the bending of light as it passes through one medium to another? A prism is a cyrstaline form, usually (though not exclusively) having three sides paralell to the axis and trangular in cross section. Apart from not being able to find the word prismed in any of my dictionaries, if it does exist, it would, as used, indicate that the chap had, perhaps with the girl (depending on whether the you is plural or singular) turned the pool into a prism (in the way that sea nymphs do?!) Perhaps they froze it in a mould. :D

Live and be well - H

[everyadventure]

I love it; you took me there completely. "Old blooms tired with heat" is a wonderful line, and I could feel the change in the weather and the warping of time... delicious!
But I have to say I'm not a big fan of the title, it doesn't do this poem justice.

So glad to see you posting again :)

[paperleaves]

I love this completely.

[hillwalker]

At the risk of being pedantic (hell, why not) I would have to take issue with you here.

Hell, why not indeed. And you're absolutely right in what you write - there is no such verb as 'prismed' - but I have a good idea of what Hallaig meant and see no reason not to allow and admire his/her use of poetic licence.

H

PS My turn to be pedantic : The trope is called anthemeria—substitution of one part of speech for another.

[everyadventure]

I think it takes great skill to coin your own word and have people understand your meaning instantly. Why not use a noun as a verb, if it conveys your intent perfectly? Don't make me get out my pointy stick again, people. I'm pretty sure MM is still nursing his wounds from last time ;)

[Hawkman]

Hell, why not indeed. And you're absolutely right in what you write - there is no such verb as 'prismed' - but I have a good idea of what Hallaig meant and see no reason not to allow and admire his/her use of poetic licence.

H

PS My turn to be pedantic : The trope is called anthemeria—substitution of one part of speech for another.

Ah, that would be anthimeria hill :) It would be allowable, I think, where meaning was more in keeping with intent and generally for comic effect. This one, at least in my opinion, doesn't fit the bill. In what is, after all, a serious poem, a more conventional description would be more communicative. However, I'm perfectly willing to concede that mine might be a minority opinion.

LLAP - H

[hillwalker]

It's getting to be a habit

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/picture.php?albumid=903&pictureid=9009

twice in one day

H

[everyadventure]

:beatdeadhorse5:I warned you Hawk, here comes the stick!

[Hawkman]

Hill, I accept your surrender and will be pleased to add your sword to my collection :D

ea: I really shouldn't have tempted you into those spikey heels; it'll be black leather whips and handcuffs next - lol

hallaig: sorry if we seem to have hijacked your thread but the discussion was about aspects of the poem, which regardless of my reservations, is a good one.

Live and be well - H

[Bar22do]

Utterly lovable! The ending was so subtle:

"something briefly gained,
something lost for good."