Tumble and Break

[Jack of Hearts]

Your push-broom eyes await
a tumble and then a break;
to shatter to pieces,
to sweep me away-

but I quit before
a mess was made.

[billl]

Ha! You coulda been a fun project for a while, but then I guess it doesn't seem so fun once you realize.

[Hawkman]

Hi Jack. I'm afraid you seem to have a problem with this one. The poem is based on a nice idea. "push-broom eyes" waiting for an excuse to push the narrator away. Unfortunately it doesn't quite read like this. What it actually says is that the eyes are waiting to stumble and shatter, so the idea of them pushing the N away afterwards doesn't quite work. If they were waiting for N to stumble and shatter the poem would make a little more sense.

Live long and prosper - H

[billl]

Hawkman, such an entity would likely have developed an ability to initiate the creation of such a mess, rather than innocently wait for such a collapse.

[Delta40]

I think you should replace 'was' with 'is' to keep to the present tense.

[hillwalker]

The first verse makes adequate sense as it stands - a set of alluring eyes awaiting another's fall in order to sweep away the detritus of his collapse.

But the closing 2 lines (the final one in particular) are a little weak and the preceding metaphor probably deserves a more subtle conclusion.

H

[Bar22do]

Think if you can say "is" instead of "was". Yes, the ending requires something stronger, let her/him land on her/his own broom, show N step away right as the broom reaches for him/her.