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timelinezero
07-26-2011, 03:14 AM
Green and ghastly, seasick since birthed from natures ovum
It's washed us out, of its shark toothed mouth
The flares hung brilliantly through the breakers
Lulling us to sleep, red suns blown out by the night
Illuminating briefly survivors, breast-stroking against the current
As the ship splintered into the horizon

To discover leagues beneath an angry ocean, we're tethered feet first to a diving bell
Tapping our fingers, wading in the cold courtesy of a moth chewed courtroom
How such a thin line can retain such a test.
So tirelessly has it reeled us through

The waves and seagulls glares have drawn me into the blue sinkholes of your eyes
How my ancient musings were, but monuments to their majesty.
A squall of the century, raining down in a beautiful symmetry
Drenching us, every limb in pastel memory
Of our words so verbose, their crash like a god, fumbling in the night for glass eyes
Pounding their fists, and feet in a fervor, carving out a simulacrum of coves and white cliffs
Bloodied and black as campfire smoke charred teeth
Roaring louder and hotter than thunder
So concussive, and destructive they shudder the panes of my beating heart, my love

We sat there in the sand, watching our shallow shadows deepen
Our hearts churning the flames that shook us awake
Promising never to let loose the amber that's tangled us together
Or let cool the coals, whose heat once stoked, has marooned us forever within each other.

hillwalker
07-26-2011, 07:52 AM
'our words so verbose' - I quote - seems to sum up your unique style.

You write stuff that sounds quite impressive when the individual lines are read in isolation, but you jumble up the metaphors and cram over-loaded lines one on top of the other to such an degree that the poem itself ends up making no sense whatsoever.

H

Hawkman
07-26-2011, 09:45 AM
I'm afraid I have to agree with Hill here. The overall effect is just confusing for the reader. The pelthora of seemingly unrelated imagery (eg diving bells and courtrooms) seems to have no coherence.

free
07-26-2011, 10:03 AM
I think that your poem evokes something to depict the state of your current feelings or thoughts. As the two above commentators said, gives the impression of disconnectedness. But, unlike them, I think it can serve its purpose of just this. I liked it.

paperleaves
07-26-2011, 10:12 AM
I agree with free, this disconnectedness is what brings it all together, in a sense. I loved the lines: "The waves and seagulls glares have drawn me into the blue sinkholes of your eyes/How my ancient musings were, but monuments to their majesty" and the entire last stanza (it's amazing!!) :)
Keep posting, thank you for sharing!,


In loving kindness,

kate