Aaaaaaaaagh! (Muted)

[Hawkman]

Hovering above the keyboard,
aimless fingers brush the keys.
Indecision, lack of vision -
must have eaten too much cheese.

On the screen - a scream unuttered,
all the rage is left unvoiced,
virtual page in ghastly whiteness;
don’t I have a say, a choice?

Cursor black and cheerfully blinking,
winking in that knowing way,
mocking in its laughing rhythm -
how the hours drift by day.

Walls inside my head a prison,
walls outside my head a room,
over-cluttered - life’s detritus -
piling higher in my gloom.

Gloom? Ye gods, you must be kidding,
gloom and doom inside a room?
Someone kill me, please - it’s awful -
Oh my god, here comes a tomb!

How terribly the curse is smiting.
Writing? Hell – don’t make me laugh.
Rather I’d have gone out fighting,
now I really need a bath.

:mad2:

[Twota]

I really like the 1st four verses :D

[hillwalker]

This reads like something written in the dark, wee hours of the night when the demons take over.

Humorous yet a little too close to the bone to be treated as merely throwaway.

v.4 L.4 - seems to be a single beat short -

possibly something along the lines of 'piling higher in my gloom'...?

H

[Hawkman]

Thanks Twota :)

hill, good catch, but I'm undecided about the extra beat in L1 of the last stanza. Think I'll leave that one for now. I've tweaked the punctuation though.

Live and be well - H

[PrinceMyshkin]

"Humorous and yet a little too close to the bone to be treated as merely throwaway" wrote our ever-sagacious Hillwalker and I believe you want to hold a little ways off the sympathy we might naturally feel for your situation, and so there are the playful rhymes, but the end line, the reference to needing a bath is, I think, a sad apology for daring to feel bad - or to have exposed that feeling. No need for a bath, in my view, but rather another poem, a more hopeful one that will present itself to you - and then I hope to us.

[PrinceMyshkin]

In response to the "muted" of your title, I presume to offer this great Afro-American spiritual:


I’m going to tell God all my troubles
When I get there.

I’m going to tell Him the road was rocky
When I get there.

I’m going to tell Him I had hard trials
When I get there.

I’m going to tell God all my troubles
When I get there...

There is, I believe, an implied emphasis on the "all" in the repeated all my troubles... And, perhaps, one needn't wait until one gets "there" to tell someone all one's troubles.

[YesNo]

I liked the lines about the walls inside your head being a prison, but those outside being a room.

[everyadventure]

:D Been there.

[Hawkman]

PM: Thanks for the encouragement but at the moment my brain feels like sludge and whilst I'm not actually blind to the beauty of the world, I do feel more than a little indifferent to it. I appreciate the thought behind the lyrics, but isn't God supposed to be omiscient? I don't need to tell him, he knows, and occasionally he steps on me to remind me :D Thank heaven you didn't choose "Michael Row the Boat Ashore" (something of a hit in my infancy and given far too much air time). (I always loathed it.)

Y/N: Glad you found something to like :)

ea: You too, eh? What was your choice of shoes to lift your mood? :D I'm a sucker for a well turned ankle in long spiky heels - lol.

Thanks for your various appreciation and commiserations - Live and be well - H

[Hopfrog]

This is why I came to the forum--to read excellent verse. Quite wonderful.

[Hawkman]

Thanks, Hopfrog, but you really aren't seeing me at my best :D

Live long and prosper - H

[everyadventure]

@hopfrog, it's true, this is definitely as bad as he gets ;)
@hawk: one pair of spiked heels, coming right up!

[Jack of Hearts]

Smirkworthy.







J

[AuntShecky]

A little tongue-in-cheek comment about "writer's block."

Yours fooly can't compose verse directly on the keyboard, even with the "delete" key First, I need a near-ream of scrap paper (like the backs of pages from the junk snail-mail.) I write out the lines by hand, revising and revising til I can't do it no more, and then to commit it to "Pong
2.0."

But there probably as many various ways of writing as there are writers.

[Delta40]

lol. A great witty poem Hawk which so many can relate to

Remember to live and be well....

[Hawkman]

ea: You are my favourite adventuress - blessed art thou among women... May all you cherish blossom.

Jack: Glad you think so...

Auntie, I've been touch typing for so long now I've nearly lost the ability to write freehand. I can still do calligraphy though :D thanks for reading and may the gods bless and keep you.

Delta: My favourite ocker (or are you a wowser?) Glad you enjoyed it. I'm trying to remember how to live. Being well is sure to follow sometime :D

Pax vobiscum et cum spiritum tue omnes - H