Look for a Smile That's Most like Yours

[angliholic]

When you left on this sizzling hot summer day,
you set fire to this poor soul of mine.

How can I mend this broken heart
now that you're gone with all of my laughter?

I wish it would rain in no time
so that I could walk out in the street

to cool myself down, and to look for a smile
that is most like yours among the crowd.

Maybe I'll be lucky;
Maybe not.

It won't really matter much,
for they won't notice me crying in the rain.

[Jerrybaldy]

Dear Ang. If you dont quit being so elusive I will quit reading you dear sir. so there.

[angliholic]

Thanks, pal,
I'll show my face here more often than not.
Any comment or advice on this one?

[hillwalker]

An interesting metaphor taken to its limit - but one or two images tend to sully the beauty of the piece -

A fire engine comes rushing down
to pour cold water on this poor heart~

is indeed like a deluge of cold water on the poem itself

and

you set fire on (to?) my ticker.

also seems out of place since 'ticker' is generally used as a humorous term for the heart - which again clashes with the enigmatic quality of the piece as a whole.

and finally

for they won't find my teary eyes in the rain

I think 'notice' would work better since 'find' suggests your eyes have somehow become lost.

Good to see you posting again.

H

[angliholic]

Thanks, Hillwalker, my mentor.

I can't agree with you more on the images you have pointed out, and I'm going to revise them.
After all these years, I'm so glad that you're still around and spend time to help us.

Regards,

[angliholic]

My dear,
When you left on this sizzling hot summer day,
you virtually set fire on this poor soul.

Now how can I mend this broken heart
when you're gone with all of my laughters?

I wish it would rain in no time
so that I could walk out in the street
to cool myself down,
to look for a smile that is most like yours among the crowd.

Maybe I'll be lucky to find one, maybe not!
It won't really bother me much,
for they won't notice my teary eyes in the rain.

[angliholic]

Hi, Hillwalker, my mentor,

I have revised this scribble of mine one more time. If there is anything that still sullies the beauty, be kind enough to point it out for me.

[Delta40]

I like it Ang. Would you consider putting 'maybe not!' on a separate line to give it more oomph?

[angliholic]

I like it Ang. Would you consider putting 'maybe not!' on a separate line to give it more oomph?

Thanks, Delta, for the excellent advice.
I read it one more time based on your suggestion, and it does have more oomph!

[aliengirl]

Lovely poem! And Delta's suggestion is most apt. The last line reminds me of a joke my friend told me- "I like to walk in the fog because then people won't notice I'm smoking." ;)

[angliholic]

Lovely poem! And Delta's suggestion is most apt. The last line reminds me of a joke my friend told me- "I like to walk in the fog because then people won't notice I'm smoking." ;)

Thanks, AG, for your kind words.

I love the joke though I don't smoke.

[paperleaves]

What a nice, yet sad, poem. The only thing I noticed is "laughters", which threw me off a bit, but besides that, I love it all. The thing that caught my eye the most was how it started off like a letter with "my dear", and kept my attention the whole time!

Thanks for posting :)

in lovingkindness,
paper

[angliholic]

What a nice, yet sad, poem. The only thing I noticed is "laughters", which threw me off a bit, but besides that, I love it all. The thing that caught my eye the most was how it started off like a letter with "my dear", and kept my attention the whole time!

Thanks for posting :)

in lovingkindness,
paper

Thanks, Paperleaves, (What a poetic and romantic name you have!)
But I wonder why laughters threw you off. I'm not a native speaker, and I learn English through scribbling once in a while. If you don't point it out, I'll never know why!

[mutedresponse]

Loved the whole write and Delta's touch! And I am not sure what I google'd resulted in being here, I been a follower here ever since.

[angliholic]

Loved the whole write and Delta's touch! And I am not sure what I google'd resulted in being here, I been a follower here ever since.

Thanks, Muted, for reading and loving.
I wonder what you googled!