Robins Return/With You

[ShadowsCool]

-The Robins Return-

In the bursting of green
From the shoots of brown
The robin skates round
My grass blades.

In the sun or shade
His thoughts not made
He plays his wondrous song
Under my tree in May.

Like the dandelions that sway
In with the seasons of time
The robins return
Harkening: Spring's arrived!

-With You-

Gentle pillow muffles my sky
Chafing against the edge of the universe.
I am spirit love with no substance
But yours my female so much I love.

I touch the edge of your wondrous canopy
I gaze in wonder how I feel;
It's your body I'm touching
This body of yours I love to peal.

Your fruit are like red cherries
To be licked from the tip of my tongue,
And your lips are a clove of sweet liquor
I suckle with great pleasure.

I'm far away from any diversion
Grazing the edge of the outer limits,
Where beauty and deepness is found
In a profusion of everlasting abundance.

I am formed with just a heart,
Your body is the great temple,
A stairway to aspired heaven.
In through its pearly gates
I'm sipping bliss with you.

[hillwalker]

Both of these appear to be from the class of '94 yet again since they're filled with rather adolescent imagery and quite a bit of garbled writing :

Robin verse 2 is so weak - and overall it's a rather feeble poem. You're telling us there's a robin in your garden so it must be Spring. Hardly insightful or worth a second read.

With You is more romantic slush - admittedly with an erotic edge if I understand the allusions correctly.
But there are so many awkward lines that it is painful to read -

v.1 - L.4 - weird expression
v.2 - L.2 - makes no sense
v.2 - L.4 - 'peal'??? as in ring a bell??? or 'peel' as in peel an orange??? Neither really make much sense.
v.4 - this entire verse is baffling
v.5 - L.1 - again makes no sense

If indeed this pair are from the Shadows archive I suggest you call a halt to trawling through your past and start writing something better (which you have proved you can) before we lose interest - and patience.

It may be an interesting exercise for you to see how much you have improved but believe me it's no fun this side of the fence.

H

[ShadowsCool]

H,

Oh the pressure. Now I know why Emily Dickenson kept her poetry to herself and a few 'friendly' friends. Not saying that is a good thing but it may have worked for her. The few times she went to get advice on whether she should publish, she was told, not good enough. I think it allowed her the freedom to express herself without a given audience in mind.

I do plan on revising these poems down the road. Right now life is keeping me too busy to do so. I write when I have the time and feel relaxed. Lately I've been battling myself. I do hope to finish up some of the new poems I've been writing these past few months. I do hope they are better.

Thanks for the input as usual.

Shadows.

[yuka]

I somewhat agree with Hill on here, Shadows, maybe better do some revising before posting those old pieces, I believe you own a great potential on poetry creation and you'd already proved it, so undoubtedly you can revise the old to better pieces :)

[hillwalker]

Oh the pressure. Now I know why Emily Dickenson kept her poetry to herself and a few 'friendly' friends. Not saying that is a good thing but it may have worked for her. The few times she went to get advice on whether she should publish, she was told, not good enough. I think it allowed her the freedom to express herself without a given audience in mind.

If you're aiming to reach the heights of E D's poetry then the pressure is all of your own making. Most of us aim a little lower.

H :)