Must Tell You

[free]

Before I fall asleep
in your warm embrace
or wake up
thirsty to
drink from your lips
before us prospective
before our questions

I must tell you
oh, poem profuse,
that I look for you
in the world
which makes
bodies
strong and beautiful
spirits
sane and fruitful

[Delta40]

I like it but I think the line before us prospective stands out and doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. It's not overly romantic but conveys just the right amount for the reader to get the message.

[Jack of Hearts]

The first stanza was cruel to me.

The second part was pretty darn good to read. Here, specifically;

that I look for you
in the world
which makes
bodies
strong and beautiful...






J

[hillwalker]

I agree with both the above -

'in your warm embrace' has been written approximately 1,690,050 times before so isn't particularly original - and 'before us prospective' is neither very poetic nor does it make much sense.

Verse 2 is by far better.

H

[free]

I like it but I think the line before us prospective stands out and doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. It's not overly romantic but conveys just the right amount for the reader to get the message.

Thanks, Delta, it is not easy for me to feel the proper delicacy of words in a foreign language. That's why your advices are so precious.

[free]

The first stanza was cruel to me.

The second part was pretty darn good to read. Here, specifically;

that I look for you
in the world
which makes
bodies
strong and beautiful...






J

Cruel..? I suppose you mean crude. Thanks for your comment. I didn't like the poem myself, but I had to post it here because of the idea behind it.

[free]

I agree with both the above -

'in your warm embrace' has been written approximately 1,690,050 times before so isn't particularly original - and 'before us prospective' is neither very poetic nor does it make much sense.

Verse 2 is by far better.

H

Well, seems that I should be happy for having all your comments. It is so valuable to hear all the faults and to pay attention not to be trapped by them again. Thanks, hilwalker.

[Jack of Hearts]

No, this reader meant cruel. His initial response used a rhetorical device called personification to suggest that the first section of your poem was a conscious entity that treated him badly (a figurative way of saying that he didn't like it because it had treated him in this manner).

The second stanza this reader genuinely liked, for the most part.





J