Life And Death

[Twota]

When the immortal sun
sets forever,
and the moon shines,
no more.

When eternal darkness
veils the light,
and your eyelids are closed
by pitiful tips.

When black and white
seem to be one,
and silence
encapsulates all sounds.

When your red cheeks
go pale white,
and your body's warmth
is replaced with ice.

When your future
becomes a dream,
and all your past
is just a nightmare.

That's just when,
life and death
mightily collide.

[Delta40]

One of your best efforts so far.

I will question the following lines:

and your eyelids close
by pitiful tips.

Not quite sure whether you mean 'their' rather than 'by'

Good going Twota

[Twota]

Yay! Glad you like it :D and I meant " your eyelids are closed
by pitiful tips" ;D

[hillwalker]

Definitely a step in the right direction...

but I'm also baffled by 'pitiful tips' - are they fingertips? and if so, why are they 'pitiful'?

Also I'm wondering whether the final verse is necessary - 'mightily collide' is certainly rather excessively cataclysmic, and you've already described enough for the reader to figure out what this is supposed to be about.


H

[Twota]

Definitely a step in the right direction.
YAY! :D

and 'pitiful tips', yah, they are finger tips, and they are pitiful cuz they are closing a dead's eyelids, you know, that last touch.

For the final verse, I found it the only way to end it, can't let it end with:
When your future
becomes a dream,
and all your past
is just a nightmare.

but, I 'll think of sth. :D