The Forgotten Children

[ShadowsCool]

From a short distance I saw them
They limp around half dead
Under the orange peeled sun
A far distance off
Offering little warmth.

The forsaken children
That even God forgot
Entering the sad building
Leaving little behind
Entering dead dust.

From afar I saw them
Entering that cold building
No longer needed
These lost little one's
The forgotten children.

Life Dealt them harshly
Only dream is their blanket
When do they get to see
The twinkling star?

[hillwalker]

It's a bit repetitive - telling us that you have seen the same scene from close up and form afar - and it doesn't say very much other than the fact you saw children going into a building.

Not exactly worth writing a poem about, unless there's some point behind all this that I'm missing - some reason why they are 'forgotten'. Perhaps you should give us a few more clues.

H

[everyadventure]

You're off to a good start with the first stanza, but things peter off from there. The third stanza, especially, is unnecessarily repetitive. And yet, for all your talking, we still have no clue who these children are, where they're going, or where they came from.

[ShadowsCool]

H & Everyadventure:

I purposely wanted to leave it to the imagination. Though, I see it has gone over flat.
The vision I had was a concentration camp round-up. But I guess it's just a private vision.
Thanks for the input. Maybe I'll work on it.

Shadows

[hillwalker]

There's not a single hint what was going through your mind when you wrote this - which is where you let your readers down. Imagination needs something to feed it. The fact that you had a concentration camp in mind is neither here nor there - there's nothing in the poem to suggest it so it's no wonder you left us all completely baffled.

H