Developing Character

[BienvenuJDC]

This is just an exercise for me for developing my characters. It's definitely a Work in Progress.

Darkness prevailed as the muffled sound of the waters gently rolled around the camp. The rhythm of the drum played in the distance giving assurance that someone was nearby. The soft roll of thunder roamed in the realm of life. While the stasis of being was suspended in warm anticipation of the first dawning of a new day, awareness of the adventures that awaited lay dormant.

Suddenly a crack of thunder roused the camp as lightening streaked across the sky. The lofty boughs within the grove heaved under the pressure of the gusts that coveted the residents of the haven. The gentle rumble swelled beneath the ground below as if she would erupt with fervent force. As the ground below trembled, it sent a message to flee. The natural dams began to falter as the currents began to petition for their release.

Then the calm settled back to the camp as the rumblings ceased. The winds patterned themselves in a methodical rhythm as if they could control the disturbance. Those in the camp were all aroused, but they were far from being prepared.

Austin was the first to be roused from his slumber. He rolled from his sack and listened carefully through the grove. The drums in the distance still beating, but with more of a staccato and labored rhythm. No doubt that the recent events had stirred others in the area as well. The sounds were muffled together as the rushing of the waters blended with the winds.

O.P. lifted his visor as he looked out from the camp. His efforts were futile though. It was still pitch black as he strained to make out the shapes beyond the camp. He was aware that Austin had been off to the edge of the camp even though he could not see him there. He sat there in the darkness trying to make sense of it all.

In the still, Emma sat in the midst of the camp with bridled terror. She curled forward with her eyes closed clenching her head between her hands. This sort of experience was foreign to her. She had never endured such turbulence. Her whole life to this point was surrounded in comfort and loving warmth, but all of that had changed when she felt the shock of what befell the rattled crew.

http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/283803_1895468626175_1225352692_31792746_6296378_n .jpg

[Jack of Hearts]

Not sure what kind of feedback you'd like for something this short and pre-formed. It definitely needs more shaping. As is often the case with intelligent people, you cannibalize the prose with your intellect.





J

[BienvenuJDC]

I'm not sure what you mean by cannibalize, but this is just an exercise for me in being able to develop my characters. There is another aspect to this story that hasn't been written yet. There is another part of this story that plays into the lack of development of the characters. I don't really expect anything from anyone for this piece. It's just for me to work on my writing skills.

[Jack of Hearts]

Forgive the intrusion.








J

[BienvenuJDC]

Forgive the intrusion.








J

No intrusion....if you care to give input, I will welcome it. I just don't expect anything from anyone at this point. I know there isn't much, but it's a kick start for me. I'm a single dad working full time, so I can't develop too much at a time. But I at least am starting something. Thanks for your input though.

But I would like to understand what you meant by cannibalize though. It may help me. But most likely in a week or two, I'll understand when I reread it. Then I'll make revisions.

[Delta40]

I like your writing style however, waiting till the 4th para before a character is roused from sleep really slows it as if the characters themselves were secondary to the setting you have been describing.

[YesNo]

I'm thinking something unusual happened to these campers and that makes me want to hear more. At first I thought it might have been an earthquake, but now I think it was something else. Nice photograph.

[hillwalker]

This is more a case of developing the setting rather than the character since all we have to go on are their names so far.

If it's the opening to a story then there is far too much 'purple prose' -describing the scene in immense detail without actually moving the story forward. It's usually enough to get most readers pressing the <- button.

You also might like to count the number of times the phrase 'the camp' crops up - particularly in the last 2 paragraphs.

And finally, this sentence

Those in the camp were all aroused, but they were far from being prepared

made me look twice. Did you mean 'roused' (as in woken up) or 'aroused' (as in excited or turned on?).

H

[LeiffyV]

It is a good start but there can be more added to it, at least from what I can see. I agree with hillwalker that you have a lot of fluff without much flow, as it were. You could cut away some of it and condense it to what happens without the narrator dictation or you can have the Austin and Emma incorporate some of this when they speak to each other as they wake up and notice these things.

This could give the tip off that each character has their own way of seeing things.

I will admit though, I was getting impatient when I got through the third paragraph. There is something here, it needs to be tighter. Hope that helps.

[Varenne Rodin]

I have to respond that most of the criticisms for this piece seem to pertain more to preference of style than to the author's writing development talents. I think some posters might be missing that this is written in lovely descriptive prose. DESCRIPTIVE being the most important term.

Take this passage from Jeffrey Tayler's "The Sacred Grove of Oshogbo" as an example:

"Up at a promontory above the river we found Olu Igbo —the lord of the forest. Placing his stick in his back pocket, the little man fell silent and bowed. It was indeed an awesome sight —a giant stone effigy standing among great trees, with huge eyes and long arms spread out like wings. Hoots and warbles percolated in from the foliage; rain began to fall but its drops, intercepted by the manifold layers of leaves above, hardly touched us."

Is this one segment developing the story's characters at a rapid pace? No. Is developing setting important to establishing and developing characters? Absolutely, especially in such descriptive prose.

I dig it, JDC. Can't wait to read more.

[Jack of Hearts]

This reader, with no offense to the piece's author, wholly disagrees with that assessment.

If you want them, BienvenuJDC, here are some notes from one reader's perspective.



Darkness prevailed as the muffled sound of the waters gently rolled around the camp. The rhythm of the drum played in the distance giving assurance that someone was nearby. The soft roll of thunder roamed in the realm of life. While the stasis of being was suspended in warm anticipation of the first dawning of a new day, awareness of the adventures that awaited lay dormant.

From the first sentence the readers are given a taste of what is to come. Darkness prevailed over what? Can a person ‘see’ darkness prevailing? This is weak personification for its own sake (it seems to serve no further purpose). The sentence continues on and we are told not only is there some sort of camp somewhere, but there’s water flowing around it, and that water is making a sound, and that sound is muffled- taking care to note that the sound itself is never actually described, just the circumstantial pieces around it. That’s a lot of inelegantly provided information crammed into a short amount of space; very dense sentence.

Then a rhythym of a drum gives assurance, etc. and can’t we be trusted to make the logical conclusion that if a drum is sounding, then someone is playing it? Maybe not definitely, maybe it’s an auto-drum, but why do we need to definitely know (right now) there are people nearby when the suggestion of it would just be confirmed in a few paragraphs anyway? Why trip up the prose with extraneous details? The soft roll of thunder then roamed in the realm of life... that seems completely and utterly majestic and out of place. If this truly is a character study (which, this reader will suggest, it isn’t), why is the tone so grand, exalted, impersonal? That seems to be the opposite direction.

The stasis of being was suspended… what does that even mean? And then that last bit of confused language at the end there…

So thus far:

It was dark. There was a camp next to a body of water. Someone, somewhere, was playing a drum. Thunder sounded softly and then dawn broke.

Pruning away the extraneous verbage leaves this. Just describing these simple things in an elegant, streamlined way would give the prose a remarkable shine and make for a paragraph, rather than drowning the reader in purple.


Suddenly a crack of thunder aroused the camp as lightening streaked across the sky. The lofty boughs within the grove heaved under the pressure of the gusts that coveted the residents of the haven. The gentle rumble swelled beneath the ground below as if she would erupt with fervent force. As the ground below trembled, it sent a message to flee. The natural dams began to falter as the currents began to petition for their release.

This has sexual undertones. Why do currents petition? Is a raging body of water prone to democratic process? Is that how you want the readers to envisage your impending disaster (dam breaking)? Why is the ground below personified as female? Gusts are ‘coveting’ and a sensible reader cannot fathom why you are telling him/her this in this manner, or even see the reason you’re saying it all. It’s too verbose to effectively set a scene. And for that matter, there’s an economic concept at play- scarcity. The more imagery you try to cram in, the less potent the invidual piece of imagery becomes.


Then the calm settled back to the camp as the rumblings ceased. The winds patterned themselves in a methodical rhythm as if they could control the disturbance. Those in the camp were all aroused, but they were far from being prepared.

The bare minimums yield:

Then calm settled back into the camp. The people were aroused and unprepared.

… because this reader can’t make definite sense out of the rest of it. It’s awfully embarassing when you’re aroused and unprepared, though.


Austin was the first to be aroused from his slumber. He rolled from his sack...

… Ahem…


… and listened carefully through the grove. The drums in the distance still beating, but with more of a staccato and labored rhythm. No doubt that the recent events had stirred others in the area as well. The sounds were muffled together as the rushing of the waters blended with the winds.

This describes remarkably little about the character and is mostly about the sounds around him.


O.P. lifted his visor as he looked out from the camp. His efforts were futile though. It was still pitch black as he strained to make out the shapes beyond the camp. He was aware that Austin had been off to the edge of the camp even though he could not see him there. He sat there in the darkness trying to make sense of it all.

A lot of this is ‘telling’. Maybe you ought to show how O.P. does these actions, takes up space, general demeanor, etc. rather than declaring what he’s aware of and what he could or couldn’t see. Maybe he just sits in the darkness, trying to make sense of it all, like a first year philosophy major.


In the still, Emma sat in the midst of the camp with bridled terror. She curled forward with her eyes closed clenching her head between her hands. This sort of experience was foreign to her. She had never endured such turbulence. Her whole life to this point was surrounded in comfort and loving warmth, but all of that had changed when she felt the shock of what befell the rattled crew.

The previous critique about O.P. applies here. This isn’t really about Emma. This is about ‘telling’ what she knows, had experienced and how that had changed.

This reader thinks that what you have here is a fine bridge between you and a story. These serve as excellent notes at best. But presenting this as finished or nearly finished prose (which you perhaps haven't, or don't intend to) is to demand too much patience and hard work of your reader. Think of your reader.





J

[BienvenuJDC]

This is more a case of developing the setting rather than the character since all we have to go on are their names so far.

If it's the opening to a story then there is far too much 'purple prose' -describing the scene in immense detail without actually moving the story forward. It's usually enough to get most readers pressing the <- button.

You also might like to count the number of times the phrase 'the camp' crops up - particularly in the last 2 paragraphs.

And finally, this sentence

Those in the camp were all aroused, but they were far from being prepared

made me look twice. Did you mean 'roused' (as in woken up) or 'aroused' (as in excited or turned on?).

H

LOL...you are right...I wrote this in the midst of two little distractions called my daughters. I'll make the correction.

[BienvenuJDC]

Ok....there are no sexual undertones intended. :)
The exercise is actually for being able to develop my characters as they influence each other. There is still much left of this story, but maybe it will help if you all know that each character in this story is a part of one individual.

* the camp is actually an unborn baby within the womb
* Austin is the babies ability to hear (which we know a baby can do inside the womb)
* O.P (Opey) is the babies eyes (which are somewhat useless until birth....but are there)
* Emma represents the emotions, which of course are affected by ALL the other campers...and influences most of them.

I'll let you all figure the rest out for yourselves. And I appreciate all your input.

[hillwalker]

* the camp is actually an unborn baby within the womb

Really interesting idea - and, of course, the drumbeats make more sense now.

Perhaps it needs to be worked on more; inject a little subtlety regarding the actual surroundings and the characters fleshed out more before birth takes place.

H